Category: Emotion

I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.




(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.

What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,


Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.


I know its silly to get this excited for something that might possibly turn out to be nothing, but I am so excited!  Chris is in town for the night and she is coming over tonight!! I can honestly say that I am not expecting anything, I am just excited to see her.  Shower and clean up time now!!



Like Rabies, only cuter.

Ok, seriously.  I’m a birth doula.  I love it.  It is an AMAZING job.  I want to eventually become a Midwife, or a Nurse Midwife.  Or maybe a Midwife with a Nursing degree?  Well tonight I attended my 6th birth.  I have to kind of think things out but I wanted to make a point of saying how awesome the health care system is here!  The RN’s were so accommodating, they even let the mom eat! That never happens in Alberta! Moms in labour at the hospital are not allowed to eat.  Just ice chips.  Like thats going to help anyone needed NUTRIENTS!

Tonight was also my first birth with a midwife.  That was pretty cool too.

My tally for births so far:

Boys – 4/6

Girls – 2/6

C-sections – 3/6 (two emergency, one elective)

Epidurals – 6/6 (3 for c-sections, 1 for oxytocin, 2 because labour had been over 30 hrs and mom needed a rest)

Happiness – 6/6

I know its not a poly related post, but I wanted to throw something up.  I have spent the better part of August sick.  Really really REALLY sick.  Starting to feel better finally.  I also started a new job.

Enough excuses.  I do have the cornstarch blog in the makings.  Just need to finish up a few things first *wink*

I know, I know!

I need to put up a better post as so much has been happening lately.  Like the story about the 100 lbs of corn starch in my bath tub.  But for tonight you get this.

I miss you.

I love you.

I think about you all the fucking time.

I miss holding your hand while I fall asleep.

I miss hearing your voice as you talk me to sleep.

I don’t miss the distance.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your mouth on mine.

I miss your shyness.

I miss the way you smell and taste.

I hate that we can’t be together anymore.

I hate that this time it was my fault.

I want to tell you all these things and I can’t.

I don’t know how you really feel.

I only know that I want you in my life.