Category: girl-on-girl


Not too long ago I was back in the big city taking a course.  I spent some time with my dad and we had some chats.  One of those chats was me coming out to my dad.  I told him about being bi, about how I dated girls while I was married, and so on.  I told him about the dude I was interested in (who is no longer….great disappearing act) and the girl I had a date with before I left town.  I told him that I was poly and that Laine was (is?) monogamous.  He took it really well.  I haven’t had to hide anything since that talk.  It’s been fantastic!

My mother on the other hand…Well that’s been tricky.  She is a pretty closed off lady.  How have I approached my coming out, you may ask.  Baby steps.  Little little steps, with a side of flash!  I called her up a couple weeks ago and during our conversation I casually mentioned my date.  My yoga and brunch date, with a girl.   It went a little something like this:

Me – “I’m doing great! I had a wonderful date with Sue yesterday.  We went to yoga then brunch.  It was our second date”

Mother – “Isn’t that a girls name?” Said with a bit of  hesitancy

Me – “Yes, it was our second date”

Mother – “Oh. …… Well I  need to get ready for the gym now.  We can talk later in the week”

That’s my family.  Don’t like something? Ignore it and/or run away from it.  That’s ok.  I am no longer hiding it.  Baby steps, with a bit of flash.

Right after that phone call I called my dad and told him.  He was quite surprised and asked how it went.  We had a good laugh and said good bye.

I know that with some people coming out to their families has been hard and sometimes a bit awful.  I don’t think it has anything to do with how you do it.  I think it’s really just how the family reacts.  My tactics might not work.  I could be met with a “I never want to hear about it” but that’s her choice to shut me out like that.  I wont hide if I have dates, I wont hide if I have more than one partner,  and I really wont hide if those partners happen to be girls or guys anymore.  I won’t throw it in her face, but I wont hide it either.

Ok, so maybe I just came out as bi (kind of) to my mother, but eventually poly will come out.  My dad asks me about seeing two girls “They both know? They are ok with that? Isn’t that weird” Just so happens they both work together too! Yay poly!

One step at a time.

~Ivy

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Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.

BOUNCE!!!

I know its silly to get this excited for something that might possibly turn out to be nothing, but I am so excited!  Chris is in town for the night and she is coming over tonight!! I can honestly say that I am not expecting anything, I am just excited to see her.  Shower and clean up time now!!

~Ivy

Tonight one year ago was my last real date with Wren. We went with friends outside the city limits to watch the meteor shower, then came back to my place after and had sex. It was just a few days later that we broke up. Feeling nostalgic, wistful and a little sad thinking about it. I’m off to bed to honour those feelings, and release.

That about sums it up. I am kind of blowing it with Daphne right now. I don’t even know why. I really like her – she makes me laugh, she has great taste and can recommend movies, books, art, music I might like, and hold a conversation with me about those things. She is really cute and I’m very attracted to her. She’s smart. She can hold her own in a political discussion. And yet I find myself not writing to her often enough… not jumping to make plans with her… and even hesitating when I know she is interested in having sex.

Here is the bad part: she was gone for the summer, from the beginning of July until August 7, and we didn’t really talk. We had plans for a sleepover when she got back. The day of, I changed my mind because I had been sick with a cold for ten days (unheard of for me! I haven’t had a cold at ALL in almost a year, not even a minor one!) and just couldn’t seem to kick it; and I had a trade fair that day; and I needed to  be home early the next morning anyway. I still went to her house but planned to go home afterward. We were both really tired (she is in the middle of moving, as well as having just traveled back), and we sat and watched a couple movies.

Toward the end of the second movie, around 12:30 am, when I was struggling to keep my eyes open, she excused herself to the washroom and came back with a vibrator. We had been cuddling but that was about it. She proceeded to get me off which was lovely and then… I didn’t reciprocate. Is that horrible? I was so tired, and didn’t think we were doing anything that night… and we hadn’t discussed it.

It’s not as simple as that though. I find myself hesitating when she is making advances… something just feels a bit off. It could be a few things. For one, her husband does not wish to meet nor know anything about me, so our relationship is pretty compartmentalized. She also doesn’t really want any part of our family life. All of this is fine. I’m not saying it’s wrong. But she is also too tired to hang out during the week because of her job, and so with all that combined, I find our relationship very limited. Now, I look at that and say, “That’s fine, the relationship can be what it needs to be.” But here’s the thing – I think I need a deeper connection. I’m beginning to doubt whether I can have a “friend with benefits.” I am experiencing the feelings of emptiness I used to have when I would sleep with other women, before we identified as and understood poly, before we understood that we could be happy falling in love with other people.

Here is my theory – while I love flirting, and holding hands, and cuddling with, maybe even kissing, friends and slightly-more-than-friends, I think in order to enjoy sex I need to be in love. To feel a deep connection. To be able to fully be a part of the person’s life and have them be a part of mine. With people whom I’ve not felt that connection, I have found I get a lot of pleasure out of those simpler things – the cuddling, flirting, all of that. But when it turns to sex it loses its appeal for me. However when we were with Wren, for instance, or when I was with Pat (both of whom I was in love with and with whom I felt a deep connection), I was very into the sex.

Maybe I’m more traditional than I thought?!?! 😉

Tonight I went a bit out of town to a little house in the valley.  The people who invited me had some dogs, cats, and chickens.  The lifestyle they live is so simple and beautiful.  The group of us sit around a fire and just talked for hours.  I was able to be myself, and not hide anything.

I first met them by going to a party with Chris where there were other trans and alt type (gender and sexuality) people there.  One of them is also full of information about great jobs out here that I would LOVE to do!

There was also an adorable little 5 y/o that I got to read to and listen to them talk about the chickens and the cats and school.  I really like kids, but I really don’t feel the need to have my own.

Every week I am here I feel more and more at home.  I love seeing the stars at night especially.  My favourite is to walk home from my uncles and just watch the stars.  Or the sun come up after a wicked Kootenay party!

On another note I seem to be having a lot of straight urges.  It started with a craving to preform oral.  On any gender really.  But now I am really wanting some penis in vagina action.  Not feeling it *for* anyone, just in general.  It kind of blind sided me!  One day I’m settling in for some girl on girl porn action and my brain (and pussy) goes NAH! All I could think about was cock.  Normally I do without, and not miss it really.  Just now I seem to crave it.  Has it really been that long???

Oh well.

I am still digging my celibacy thing too.  Sometimes it’s maintained by choice and sometimes by circumstance, regardless it is working for me right now.  Other than these straight urges!

~Ivy

As promised here is an update about the happenings in Nelson 🙂

I am working a lame job, I have joined the blue vest cult.  Sadly after 31 resumes they were one of two that called me back, and the only one that hired me.

I didn’t get into school for Midwifery, so now I am going to try to get there through the nursing route.  There is a great nursing program at the college here, and you do your last bit though University of Victoria, and get to do a month in Guatemala!!! Tomorrow I will call to talk with a counselor and see if I really need to do any upgrading *boo* Hopefully my massage degree will let me get away without having to do grades 11 and 12 biology and chemistry!  I am pretty sure I have my grade 11 bio, but thats about it.

I am going to get involved with pride here “Nelson’s shortest parade” as I have been told, but I really want to be involved with the community here.  And this will be my very first pride! I’m such a bad gay.

I met this really awesome person here.  She is…well… fascinating.  At least I think so.  There is so much to her that just makes me go “wow” so much.  She has asked to be called Chris on here.   She is MTF, and is butch.  She was only here for a bit, doing a metal working class.  She has moved away to another city to do film stuff, and then maybe off to Japan later (jealous!!!)  Of course it took me way to long to tell her that I was interested, and due to my stupid shyness at one point lead her to believe that I wasn’t into her by not replying after she told me she thought I was cute.  Instead I giggled, blushed, and dropped lasagna down my shirt.  Luckily we did have a chat about all that later.  We had two weeks left and I wanted to make the most of it.  Sex wasn’t really an option, due to some personal matters on her part, and that was just fine by me.  I just really wanted to hang out with my friend who I also wanted to make out with…a lot *grin*

We did have this one really fun night where she pinned me down and bit me all over my chest, arms, neck, and tummy.  I was left with most amazing bruises the next day and for almost two full weeks after that!  Oh, and I came from just her bitting me.  That was a new one!  Other than that one night we didn’t really do much sexually.  We would kiss now and then, and hold hands, go for walks.  I went to a going away party for her and to another party where I met some really cool people (one of them sent me a job posting for a job that sounds right up my alley), and just had a nice time with her.  I miss her.  I miss her company really.  We had a picnic by the waterfall one time and just talked.  I really enjoyed that time with her.  She said she might be back next summer for a couple months again, but thats further away than I would like to think about.  At least there is email.

I’ve had some out of town guests as well.  First there was Kid Genius.  There is so much I could say about him, but I will try to keep it simple.  We dated last year, until I found out via FB that he was seeing someone else without my knowledge.  We kind of broke up, but not really I guess.  Then broke up for good at the end of the summer.  We’ve maintained a friendship since then.  He came out for a visit and shit blew up.  It was a bad weekend, starting with finding out he had lied about his relationship status.  Then ending with a huge (drunken) fight and him walking out of my apartment around 230 am to walk to the bus depot.  Other than a text from him saying he got on the bus and he was sorry for what happened and I deserved better than how he had treated me.  And me sending an email to him about a week later saying I was glad he made it safely back I haven’t spoken to him.  I haven’t even gone online just because I think he has unblocked me and I really don’t want to talk to him.  Thats the simple version.

The wonderful and amazing and funny Ms Jinxx came out for a visit as well.  She left last night.  We had such a fun time! We bought matching dresses (her’s was pink, mine was green) for my friends wedding.  Watched Frisky Dingo and many many movies and other shows. Just a overall fun time.  I am so super glad we are friends.  I think my best memory of the whole thing was her learning to play the bag pipes from a fellow wedding/party goer.  Oh that and watching Frisky Dingo!  Despite her love of Lady Gaga I still love her company.  We talked about her moving out here with her lovely fella.  We’ll see what happens when she has sometime to talk him and figure stuff out.  It would be cool if she did move out here, and got a big ol’place and I could have cheap rent, and live with friends.

I have met some other cool poly people, but not much of an update there right now.

I am really just enjoying the time to myself to enjoy the space and the eye candy.  Its a nice change to just be Ivy and not feel like I have to be a certain way.  I can just be free and relax and let go.  I almost kind of came out at work the other day…that was funny.

I am focusing on my career path and trying to figure out what my next step or next move is.  I have kind of been keeping quite about stuff, but thats only because I needed some time to sort my feelings out.  After Kid Genius I was angry from him calling me names.  At the same time, I was relived to finally have said all the things I have wanted to say to him.  Now he knows that just because someone is married and poly, its NOT alright just go and fuck someone else.  And I know I wont ever settle again.   Took me long enough to learn that lesson, huh?!

~Ivy

I know I know… I am long overdue for a update, and this is really just a teaser.

My next post will be about all the stuff going on with me from after my last post to, well, now!

It will have everything from new romance (that is about to end), people visiting (Ms. Jinx), face slapping (in the best possible way), fighting with an ex (oh the drama!), and my future plans.

I am off to a going away party for Chris (she picked the name.  And yes, I will tell you allllll about her!!).  I will update after she leaves in a few days.  I kind of want to keep the details to my self right now.  As if I talk about it right now I will spoil it somehow.  Silly I know!

~Ivy

I’m back, I’m back! The business trip was awesome. I’m not comfortable divulging the nature of my business because it would make me relatively easy to identify, but I will say that it was a conference I attended, and I met a lot of people who are idols of mine. I also learned so many great things. It was an awesome networking opportunity and I really enjoyed myself. I was sad that my business partner could not join me because I was looking forward to a girls’ trip, but it was still a nice break. I listened to a ton of Radiolab podcasts, took a lot of photos, stayed with a lovely family and really enjoyed the location of the conference, something I was not expecting. So, that was a pleasant surprise! I thought about Daphne and Audrey a lot. Oh and Hank started a fight with me right when I left so I wasn’t speaking to him the whole time, which sucked royally and made me sad. We made up on Saturday night on the phone though.

On my way back I stayed one night with an old friend of mine and met her baby for the first time. That was really great. She is one of those people who loves to hear the opinions/experiences of others and really respects others’ viewpoints – like me! So even though we are complete opposites in a lot of ways (ideologically, mainly – politics, religion), we have great conversations and connect on a deep level. It was really lovely to catch up. Saturday was my mom’s 60th birthday and I made it back to my parents’ place by 10 pm. Satsuki had been staying with them and having a grand time. Sunday, Satsuki and I returned home. Phew! My chicks had been staying with a friend and I got them back on Sunday night! I have six chicks… heritage breed hens. They’re for eggs. Anyway… so that night Audrey came over and we cuddled in the hammock. Satsuki is a shit at bedtime when Audrey is here, which sucks. But she did eventually go to sleep and then Audrey and I went to bed early. I will just say that that was nice. Now I’m sad because my schedule has gone berzerk and I’m having a hard time figuring out when we’ll be able to have another sleepover, here or at her place.

I am having Daphne over on Friday night. That will be nice. I haven’t seen her in a week and half. In about three weeks she’ll leave for her hometown for the summer, to help her sister with her new baby. And it sucks that because she is so tired after work on weekdays, we can only get together on weekends. It complicates things, especially since right now, Hank is away on weekends. It will be interesting to see what happens with our relationship when she is away for about six weeks over the summer.

Oh yes! Last night was the third poly pub night. There were fewer people there this time, but still about ten of us. Venus and Audrey both came, and Blayne (shoot, Ivy, is that what you’re calling your legally declared male partner on here? I hope I got that right. It sounds wrong…). Audrey and I sat next to each other and held hands. It was nice. I like her more and more. Venus leaves really soon for the summer. She and Hank are going out tomorrow night to an art show – the artist whose show it is is actually this girl Hank has been in love with forever but is really hard to pin down. So that should be interesting. I hope everyone has fun.

I am talking to a couple other girls on the dating site… but it is hard to know how I’d find time to meet them. Feeling a bit stretched. Oh! And the woman and man (they’re together) who organize the erotic writing circle say they’d like to get together for coffee. Not that I’m reading into this… or I’m trying not to… but they’re both cute. They don’t even know whether they’re poly yet, they are currently exploring the option to decide whether it is something they want to try. And it’s my understanding that if they do it will be because they’re both bi and want the freedom to explore that other side of themselves while staying together – not because they necessarily want more hetero partners. Anyway, I got a sweet note from the woman last night on Facebook and the man friend requested me. I enjoy their company a lot, they’re pretty adorable and both intimidatingly smart. So I don’t mean to make it sound like I think they want to date me… but I was flattered they were thinking of me and may want to spend time with me as they are pretty awesome.

All in all, things are really good. My business has been brisk (yay!) and it was good to get back at it this week; on the negative side my friends are currently fighting like junior high bitches so that sucks, but I’m hoping it’s one of those “trial by fire” things – it’ll make us stronger in the end. I hope. That is about it for my life right now!

Okay, yeah, life is good. Audrey slept over last night. It was quite lovely. I love how slowly things are moving with her as anticipation is a huge turn-on for me… probably the biggest. I mean things have to be happening… hints of things to come… but if those hints are there, I’m good to go. And they are. Well, last night was more than hints. But it still left a ton to the imagination. Ah, what a great weekend! Have I mentioned how sweet Audrey is? She helped my friend and I transplant tomatoes into my garden, then helped me pack for the business trip I leave on tomorrow, then I convinced her to stay over. Sadly, queer prom is this weekend and I’ll be away still… and she asked me to go with her. I would have loved to.

It looks like, when I get back, Audrey will be staying over again, and hopefully me at her place soon (so we can sleep in without a kid waking us up early!). It also looks like Daphne and I will stay in and “watch movies” for our next date when I get home. I’m sure we’ll watch a bit…

I really find it interesting that these two relationships, while really different, are going through the same stages at exactly the same time. Such a weird thing, how many people get to experience that?? Has anyone been in this position? Anything I should watch out for? I can say that the one thing I find tricky is devoting equal mental energy to each. I know it doesn’t necessarily have to be equal but I don’t want the NRE (new relationship energy) with one to cause me to deprive the other of the attention I want to give her. I hope this doesn’t sound dumb or selfish or something. I don’t feel like any of it is a problem at this point, I’m just trying to stay cognizant of what could happen.

So on to STIs. Tonight Daphne sent me an email broaching this topic, which is GREAT. Love that openness. I explained whom I have been with in the past year and the status (STI-wise) of each of them, as well as where Hank is at in his relationships (all without giving any specifics) and also mentioned that Hank and I are going to get our full battery of tests next week to be safe. I feel pretty strongly about being tested between partners. I’m still not sure where I’m at on sleeping with women though… I mean I’m cautious, as far as discussing the subject… but not as cautious as I am with men. I feel like the risk is there but not as great. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this. (Basically I’d rather limit my encounters than use a dental damn or latex gloves or something.) Anyway, typing this out, the whole “in the past year I’ve been with three women and one man, of those one woman was tested and clean, previously monogamous and only with Hank and me; one more was coming out of a fidelitous triad and was clean; the other woman and the man were monogamous with one another and clean…” and then explaining that I have another relationship with a woman that is turning sexual, and she has a relationship with another man, and that they use protection and I feel okay about the risk between two women but Daphne and I can discuss mitigating that risk, and then throwing Hank’s possible liaison’s and their other partners (if any) into the mix…. oy, let’s just say my life started to feel kind of complicated!! Kind of made my head spin a little.

And finally, my current sex playlist. I’m posting this because it’s pretty awesome if I may say so myself. Basically it makes me horny, so sometimes I listen to it before I go to sleep, and it’s also great for putting on during makeout sessions, or more…

#1 Neon Bible, Arcade Fire

#2 Crossbones Style, Cat Power

#3 Reckoner, Radiohead

#4 Personal, Stars

#5 Heaven, I Monster

#6 Big Red Machine, Aaron Dessner and Justin Vernon

#7 Down The Line, Jose Gonzalez

#8 Tan Lines, Valleys

#9 Better Than Worse, Final Fantasy (now known as Owen Pallett)

#10 Brackett, WI, Bon Iver

#11 Say, Cat Power

#12 10 Mile Stereo (Beach House Cover), Little Girls with Andrew Wilson

#13 Crystalized, The XX

#14 Hands Away, Interpol

#15 Heartbeats, Jose Gonzalez

#16 Biko, Bloc Party

#17 This Modern Love (Bloc Party cover), Final Fantasy (now Owen Pallett)

#18 Burn Fetish (Dosh Remix), Eyedea & Abilities

#19 G*******g Suicide, Kevin Drew

#20 She Ionizes & Atomizes, Modest Mouse

#21 Foreground, Grizzly Bear

#22 I See Who You Are, Bjork

#23 Blood, Pt. 2 (Featuring Sufjan Stevens), Buck 65

#24 Conductor, We Were Promised Jetpacks

#25 I Luv The Valley OH!, Xiu Xiu

#26 Horseradish Road, The Mountain Goats