Category: Heartbreak


I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.

~Ivy

 

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One’s not enough
I won’t stop till I’ve given you up
Here, right as I am, it’s hard having fun
It’s much easier said than it’s done

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Control me like you used to

No
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t have you anymore

But I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore

The room’s still now when I’m lying
‘Cause the well of the night has gone dry
When they ask to behave, I paid them no mind
Now I doubt if I’d have been so kind

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Control me like you used to

No
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t have you anymore

But I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to

If you please stop feeling, tranquilize
I know the separation kills the soul
But I won’t stop falling like raindrops
Because I like it when you lose control

I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore


I know, I know!

I need to put up a better post as so much has been happening lately.  Like the story about the 100 lbs of corn starch in my bath tub.  But for tonight you get this.

I miss you.

I love you.

I think about you all the fucking time.

I miss holding your hand while I fall asleep.

I miss hearing your voice as you talk me to sleep.

I don’t miss the distance.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your mouth on mine.

I miss your shyness.

I miss the way you smell and taste.

I hate that we can’t be together anymore.

I hate that this time it was my fault.

I want to tell you all these things and I can’t.

I don’t know how you really feel.

I only know that I want you in my life.

~Ivy

Tonight one year ago was my last real date with Wren. We went with friends outside the city limits to watch the meteor shower, then came back to my place after and had sex. It was just a few days later that we broke up. Feeling nostalgic, wistful and a little sad thinking about it. I’m off to bed to honour those feelings, and release.

I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t known what to write. The past couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. There have been a few awesome things going on, and a lot of really awful things as well.

Aside from our favourite hen dying in my arms following a cat attack; employee drama at my business; and my neighbour and good friend’s mom dying at home down the street (none of which were life-changing, just adding to the negative headspace I was already finding myself in), the past two weeks, after I sent the message to Pat, things really went downhill in the Pat-Lisa-Wren realm. I can’t really write about what happened, exactly, since I don’t know. I do know that Lisa was pretty mad that I had sent the message (had I expected that reaction, I wouldn’t have sent it – I knew there was a chance of that happening but didn’t think it was likely), and that she was talking to Wren about it. For context, I’ll say here that Wren and Lisa are (or seem) very close now, and are quite likely a couple. If it sounds like I’m being vague, it’s because I honestly know nothing and don’t care much to speculate. I realized shortly after that Lisa had made it clear from the beginning that if things didn’t work out between us she would have no desire to attempt to salvage a friendship and prefers, when things go bad between her and another person for whatever reason, to cut ties and walk away. Based on this and her consistent behaviour reaffirming as much I surmised that being Facebook friends was probably not necessary nor beneficial to either of us and took her off my friends list. Two days later, seemingly out of the blue, Wren removed Hank and me from hers. Again, I know basically nothing about why this was done nor what is happening in her world, nor her perception of the situation between us, and I am not going to speculate. From my side of things, this basically came completely out of the blue as I had thought we were taking time and space to try to be normal around each other again. We hadn’t spoken, aside from the odd friendly small-talk chat, since probably March. We hadn’t hung out at the same events, for the most part. She and Hank were on good terms to my knowledge. Ironically, I think about her often and how I wish she were in my life. I think about how I wish, for an hour, or three, we could just sit, and hug, and not talk… and just be together. And let all this weirdness dissipate for a little while.

I am really, really hurt by all of this and there is not much I can do about it. I texted her asking if we could maybe talk sometime and she responded that all we have done is talk and that she doesn’t think we could speak on friendly terms at this point. I feel like she is talking about a different situation than the one I am seeing. I suppose that is pretty accurate though as in any situation, the different people involved will sometimes see something *completely* differently from one another. It pains me to think that someone I care about so much, who once cared about me so deeply, can now hold me in such low regard that she wishes to completely cut me out of her life. What does that say about my character? A huge chunk of me thinks she must be right, that there must be something so terribly flawed about me that someone who knew me at such a deep level could wash her hands of me. Needless to say I’m having a bit of a hard time loving myself unconditionally right now and am really leaning on good friends.

Speaking of which… 🙂 Koi is currently in town and we got together for a sleepover last night. It was supposed to be a good old fashioned slumber party with a movie and treats and a pillow fight (oh wait… we never discussed a pillow fight… maybe that was in my head), but I accidentally bought the Blu-Ray version of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and her DVD player didn’t want anything to do with that. So in true Koi fashion she sat and lent a caring ear as I worked through how to move forward in my situation. I actually feel a lot better today. I have spent the past two weeks (okay, the past six months, really), questioning my every action, thought and word, worried that if it was wrong, I would alienate Wren or Lisa further, hurt them or Pat in some way, make them angry or cause them to think that I am a bad person. Yeah I know, it shouldn’t matter what other people think, as long as you own your actions and emotions and believe in yourself and your intentions. But what if you know that your intentions are good, and the people you’re worried about are people about whom you care very deeply, people whose opinions matter very much to you, people who you just want to see happy? What if no matter how you try to handle things – hands off, hands on, talking, allowing space, caring, trying not to care – the situation just gets worse?

Tomorrow Satsuki and I leave to go camping. There are a few of us going but the first night, only Wren and I will be there (we are holding spots for the others). I can’t really write to her to plan or talk about it… I have no idea what to expect. I hope that we can just hold a normal conversation. That is what I would expect from her but given that I never in a million years would have expected the events of the past couple of weeks, I can’t really count on my own expectations these days. It will be awful if she won’t talk to me at all or things are super awkward. But I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens, if it does. I suppose I should take a book!

Sigh. This part sucks. The part where you’re in love with someone you really want to hate, who probably hates you, who you can’t even look in the eye and presumably has no desire to be in the same room as you.

I saw Pat at the beginning of the month. For a refresher on who Pat is, go here. I had a relationship with him and his wife late last year/early this year. I was in love with Pat. Pat said he was in love with me. I wish I could outline all the details of this affair, but it has been agreed by a number of us that it’s best if I keep most of it under wraps and don’t give out details of what happened. Let’s just say, things between Pat and me were very, very intense, he told me he loved me way too soon (and I’m still left wondering whether it’s possible that it was true, or whether he was infatuated and, having been married and with just Lisa for 13 years at that point, he mistook that for love), and things ended abruptly with no discussion nor closure. For the record, it was all open and honest and sanctioned by all parties in both marriages, it just did not work out for a number of reasons. This was not a secret affair or anything like that.

So, I attended an event in early June at which Pat and Lisa volunteer each month. It’s a kids’ thing, and Satsuki loves it, and I suck it up and attend for her sake when it fits our schedule. Also, lots of our mutual friends attend so I go to see them, too. Well, this time I showed up right on time, and was the first one there. Except for Pat. He was over running the concession. None of my other friends were there yet. Satsuki started begging me for a sucker and I had promised earlier that I would buy her one, so off we went. This was the first time I had spoken to Pat since February. We have never discussed why our relationship ended, how our relationship can exist from here on (to my understanding, we are to stay out of each other’s lives as completely as possible… but whether this is because he hates me, or because he loves me and can’t bear to be around me but not with me, or because he is forbidden to see me because Lisa is not comfortable with it, I really have no clue. It’s anyone’s guess.) – nothing. I bought a sucker from him, and basically the words we exchanged were:

“Hey. Can we get one sucker please?”

“Sure. Here. That’s 50 cents.”

“Thanks. I promised Satsuki I’d get her one. She is really excited to be here.”

“Haha.”

Yep, that’s it. The thing that kills me is I want to just feel nothing for him, besides benign pleasantness. Just a “hey it’s Pat, he is nice and I hope the best for him but am indifferent overall to his existence.” But I don’t. Being near him is still difficult. There is something huge there and it hurts. I remember at the beginning of our affair, when things were really rocky (there was a huge bump when everyone’s expectations didn’t match, and Hank wanted to sleep with Lisa and she seemed to want the same, but Pat was extremely against it, and then that got messy for a bit), I thought I wasn’t going to be able to see Pat at all, not date him, not touch him, not have him in my life. I passed him at a fundraiser for his kids’ school and felt like I was going to implode. Being near him makes me feel extremely happy and extremely sad all at once. I know these feelings will fade. I know I am not going to have to be near him. At least not often. But is it wrong to wish we could just sit down and talk about what happened? I feel like if we could talk, I could get some closure and be more at peace with being his friend. I wish we could be friends, really. I don’t think Lisa would have that though. I really just wish he could be my friend on Facebook and we could be in contact, and be comfortable around each other at events. He defriended me on Facebook a couple of months ago though, after I made a silly joke about Jesus (I strongly feel it was NOT offensive, but he and Lisa flipped out. Then he defriended me and then posted a huge status update about how he’d been forced to defriend someone because they are incredibly intolerant.) Okay so clearly he hates me. Right?

The thing is, Pat is pretty conceited. He brags a fair bit about money and his physique, and how girls try to pick him up everywhere he goes, and how everyone loves him, always. Yes, this was annoying. I am not denying that. He says that everyone always likes him a lot and that is very important to him. Which makes it really uber lame if I am all in love with him and he just completely loathes me. Ugh.

Then again, he told me while we were together that if Hank didn’t end up being okay with us exploring a relationship (which was the issue for the first two months), that he wanted us to cut all ties because he cared for me so deeply and could not bear to have me in his life if we couldn’t be together. All through the relationship, we were on exactly the same page. It was like I could read his thoughts. One of us would express a feeling and it was exactly what the other person was experiencing. Because of this I told him several times that if he ever didn’t hear from me, if he was ever in doubt about what was happening between us, that he could rest assured that my feelings matched his exactly. It was like we were of one mind. Later he told me that he wasn’t sure if things would work out, that he didn’t know whether Lisa was going to be okay with things in the long term, and he admitted to pulling away and not fully investing because it would break him to completely open himself to me and then lose me. The one note I did get from him, when I wrote to ask whether it was over (after not hearing a thing from him suddenly, for two weeks), was very detached and spoke of him not having time to have a relationship, that he needed to concentrate on his family. That he was sorry it hadn’t been what I had expected. It was very different from the way he had talked to me up until that point and felt like he had put up a wall.

So. I am left wondering – does he hate me, think I’m intolerant and awful and he can’t stand to have someone so horrible in his life? Or are we still on the same page? Does he secretly think of me, wonder how I am doing, miss our time together? Is he still in love? I know it doesn’t matter either way. It doesn’t change anything. But I so wish I could send him a message and ask. I wish I could ask him to go for coffee with me to close things up. Lisa and I don’t have a friendship at this point anyway. What do I have to lose really? I think what stops me from contacting him is the possibility that he hates me and I would just be giving him the satisfaction of knowing he has one more pathetic girl wrapped around his finger.

I know I know… I am long overdue for a update, and this is really just a teaser.

My next post will be about all the stuff going on with me from after my last post to, well, now!

It will have everything from new romance (that is about to end), people visiting (Ms. Jinx), face slapping (in the best possible way), fighting with an ex (oh the drama!), and my future plans.

I am off to a going away party for Chris (she picked the name.  And yes, I will tell you allllll about her!!).  I will update after she leaves in a few days.  I kind of want to keep the details to my self right now.  As if I talk about it right now I will spoil it somehow.  Silly I know!

~Ivy

Been chatting with my ex’s a lot lately.  Kid Genius, The American, and Girl Friday.  With Kid Genius and The American they are fellas who fucked up.  KG cheated on me for a number of months.  And TA, we he thought that getting drunk was a good reason to sleep with someone else.  Its not.  If you want to fuck someone thats one thing, but to get drunk and do it two weeks in a row… well not a valid excuse.

Kid Genius and I still talk now and then and we hang out and watch movies and kill zombies and have fun.  He’s going to be in BC this summer, just like me.  We have plans to visit each other and hang out.  I ok with being friends with him.  Last night we talked about maybe doing more than just hanging out.  I must be a glutton for punishment.  I miss him.  I think he is still with that girl.  And last night we talked about how we miss the cuddling and making out and….yep I am a bad bad girl.  Im seeing him Monday for some hanging out.  We’ll see how this summer goes….maybe??

The American asked me yesterday for a massage as he is having some back problems…and again we got talking about fooling around.  I don’t want to get back with him, I don’t even know what I want.  Laine thinks I am not over him, but I really am.  I think it was just all talk…but we did have fun hehe

I don’t believe in getting back with people you’ve broken up with.  I think that people break up for a reason and things can’t change allllll that much since the break up, right?? There are exceptions, but very few!

My one, current, exception would be Girl Friday.  I am still totally 100% still in love with her.  Until last night I was holding out a lot of hope that we might one day get back together.  More than I really admitted to myself.  We’ve remained really good friends and talk all the time, and sometimes about trying again.  Last night she told me about her hooking up with this girl this past weekend.  I felt like I had been kicked in the gut.  I am glad that she is getting out and being all gay and happy and meeting cool chicks.  It just really hit home last night that we wouldn’t be getting back together.  Its not just one or two things its a bunch of things.  The distance, her newness, my moving away – possibly for more than just the summer, and neither of us really seem to want a relationship with others right now.

I kept telling myself that once she found herself she’d likely come back, or something along those lines.

I’m done fooling myself.  I really need to move on.  Its been almost a year 😦

~Ivy

Right now I am in a state of poly single-ness.  Due to the whole married thing I am never actually single, but when it comes to being poly, thats a whole different thing.

Poly Single is what I call myself when I have no other partners in my life.  Right now I am really alright with that.  I just don’t feel the need or desire for anyone else right now.  Sure there are people I find myself attracted to, and who might be fun to play with a bit, but just can’t deal with a actual real relationship right now.

I have a bit of a crush on a certain fella in BC.  Im pretty sure its mutual…based on a bit of a chat we had during my last trip out (just this past weekend).  The thing is he is in a monogamous relationship.  I don’t want to pursue anything at all, I enjoy his company and our chats.   Crushes are alright….right??

Tonight I seem to be thinking a lot about relationships.  Pass relationships mostly.  One’s where I was happy, one’s where I wasn’t.  One comes to mind especially about where I was the “other woman” for a long time.  We still talk, and still have feelings for each other.  But I can no longer be a secret.  I need to be with people who get it and are open about it.  Well ok, maybe not fully open to everyone, but their other partners at the very least!  I wonder if he wanted (ok wants) to be with me because of what I represented.  Open minded, poly, etc.  His wife isn’t alright with him being bi.  I think that its something he should explore, but that’s just me.

I really need to just be poly single for a while, for my own peace of mind.  Random make outs, bit of fooling around…maybe.  But nothing serious thats for sure.

Any takers??

~Ivy

Meet Agnes and Co.

I thought with my first post I might as well introduce my cast and crew, since they are currently fairly simple to sum up, at least, relatively (see blog title).

I am Agnes. I’m married to a man, I’m bi (identify more as gay but I do still find myself drawn to men now and again) and poly, and have a preschool aged daughter and a very busy work and social life.

My husband is Hank. He’s straight and poly and works in a field he is very passionate about.

Our daughter is Satsuki (that’s pronounced Saht-ski, not that it’s her real name). She is hilarious and awesome but won’t be mentioned in much detail on this blog.

We have an ex, Wren, with whom we had a committed triad in 2009 that split due to extraneous life circumstances, mainly. Wren and I were heartbroken about the split but things are weird and not great between us these days; meanwhile she and Hank didn’t really speak for a couple of months around the time we split but are now seeing one another in some capacity again. Wren will remain a good friend as far as I can tell.

I have two other exes, a man and woman named Pat and Lisa. This break-up is the most recent and was my first relationship with a man other than Hank since we met ten years ago. I only fooled around a few times with Lisa including a couple threesomes with her and Pat, while Pat and I felt we were in love and had a more intense, though also short-lived, affair. This all ended completely in February.

Of course there are Koi and Ivy, my two new poly friends, whom I am very glad to have met as I don’t really know anyone else in this city who is truly poly!

Lastly, there are a couple of online players. Andy is my married friend from a full nation away. We have never met in person and likely never will. I find him adorable and lovable and we have great conversations on iChat about music and slightly naughty things. I love watching his face as we chat, it makes me feel so warm inside. Odd relationship but I wouldn’t trade it. There is also Heidi, who lives a pretty hefty plane ride away as well. Her relationship is primarily with Hank but we flirt online fairly often as well. I’m not too sure about Heidi to be honest, she is quite young and claims to have feelings for Hank that seem pretty premature (we have not met her in person either), however, I trust her and I feel her intentions are good, and she currently has a boyfriend who is not into letting her come meet us anyway so at this time it’s a moot point.

For now, other than some friends who will show up from time to time, that’s about it! I am currently looking to date women and hope this will ultimately lead to a romantic, more long-term relationship. I’m also currently talking to Hank about opening his mind and heart to the idea of me being with other men. Our current arrangement is that I have complete freedom with other women and he can also date and have sex with other women (including whatever emotions that may entail), however other men are off-limits to me, with the instance of Pat being a one-time departure from these guidelines. I do not seek out men nor do I often find myself truly attracted to men however I would prefer to be free to explore relationships with people I meet as they need to develop, with Hank of course having the option to veto. So for now, Hank and I are both seeking other women though separate from each other, as I am not willing to attempt a triad again at this point – the dissolution of our relationship with Wren left me much, much too raw.

That’s all for now! Meeting Koi and Ivy has been fun and I feel like I am meeting a ton of new people right now, so hopefully I’ll have lots to post right away.