Category: long distance relationships

I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.




(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.

What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,


Ahhhh. I’m feeling really good this week. It started off a teensy bit rough… I’m not going to lie to you. It is difficult, at times, Hank having a girlfriend. I’m not jealous of their feelings for each other, for the most part. But scheduling is difficult! She lives in another city and Hank and I are both SO busy with work right now and we only have one car and well, a kid. And it is just hard. Especially since I like to see Hank now and then also. Oh, I should tell you all her blog name that she has come up with: Kalena. So there it is – everyone, meet Hank’s girlfriend Kalena. Like with any other situation, I will not be writing much about how things are going between them because it doesn’t involve me. I will write about how I am feeling and the general status of their relationship, but not how Hank is feeling or how I think Kalena might be feeling. I will say right now though, that things seem to be going well right now. I think we’re going to share a Google calendar to avoid any resentment and confusion surrounding scheduling. Does anyone else have any tips for scheduling?

So, to the point of the post. I have been feeling great the past few days. I went for a jog and did some yoga on Tuesday – god, did that feel good. Okay it was pretty limited, it was a 17 minute jog and 12 minutes of yoga… but it’s a start. The yoga was more of an intense resistance workout and the jog would have been longer but I got my shoes wet in a creek and made the decision to turn back. I have only jogged once aside from that in the past four months, so I didn’t want to go as long as I normally do anyway. It is now tomato canning time, and by this time 12 hours from now I will literally be neck deep in tomatoes (almost 300 lbs of them, I kid you not), so working out is not really in the cards for the next few days. But I should be done by Monday or so, and then I will have so much time all of a sudden! Anyway, back to jogging. While it was a tad painful, I have to say I felt really, really centered while I was out there. It was a great feeling. I’m so excited to start working out again.

I have felt centered in general this week. All summer I have felt just a bit off. Not all the time, but too much of it. I’ve spent a bit of time frustrated and crying with Hank, over not seeing him at all. Lots of time stressed about work, lots of time lonely. And this week I just feel… good. I have been having a recurring dream, okay I’ve had it twice. I’m at my parents’ house, in one dream harvesting tomatoes from my own garden, in the other, chatting on their computer. In each, I notice someone I love, someone who lives far away. The first time, it was Andy, the guy from a country away who I sometimes talk to online. Funny, he was a garbage man, in the back alley. In the other, it was my “first girl love” as mentioned in this post and also, incidentally, the “old friend” we stayed with, mentioned in this recent post. She needs a name. Let’s call her Lucy. In the dream, she was in the other room and we were chatting back and forth, and I called out to her to come see me. After that, both dreams were similar. Andy, or Lucy, approached me, and we hugged, and they told me they loved me so very much. A small difference – in the one about Lucy I kissed her and then we lay down on the bed to hug more, and in the one about Andy I commented on his boner. Hahaha. But both mornings I woke up feeling so good. A little like I had actually spent time with each of them.

Things have been IN. SANE. at work. Holy wow. My head felt like it was going to spin off today, it was so crazy all day. Just go go go. So maybe I didn’t feel centered for a while there, but it was energizing at least.

I don’t know how to put it into words, but I feel like I’ve been disconnected for a while… and like now I am tapped into – something – again. I am thinking spiritually here but don’t know how to put it into words. I normally feel tapped in, like kind of a constant buzz, a bit of an ache in my belly, and when that’s not there, it’s all emptiness and silence. When I’m connected it’s all inspiration, beauty, gratitude. That’s where I am now.

I will close with this. I am missing Lucy. A lot. I’m wishing, these days, that I could live in some timeless realm with all the people I love most, the people who will never all live in one place. I’m choosing to think I’m going there while I sleep, and maybe that’s the buzz I’m feeling.

The song speaks to how I’m feeling; the video, incidentally, shows why I don’t buy much that isn’t repurposed, used, locally made or fair trade.