Category: love

I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.




(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.

What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,


I really like my…

People complain about their bodies all the time.  I don’t like this, I don’t like that.  I’m not good looking,  I wish I was more/less etc.  We need to stop focusing on the stuff we don’t like and focus on the things we like or love about ourselves!

I love my eyes, I think they are a beautiful shade of green.  I think I have a cute mouth.  My curves are ample and feminine.  My breasts are fantastic.  I have really nice forearms.  My shoulders are strong.  I have really great cheek bones.  I have a beautiful vulva.  I think its pretty and symmetrical and kind of adorable really.  I have long legs.  My fingers are long and talented.  My feet are cute and unique.  I could go on.  I really do like myself!

Heck! I love myself.  I love who I am.  Granted there are things that I would like to change.  I want longer thicker hair.  I would love to have a smaller belly, even a bit of a smaller ass.  But I don’t obsess about that.  I do what I can to stay healthy, and think positive.  Also I think people focus on the things they can see and pick apart.  Who else loves their vulvas? Toes? Nose? (I like my nose too, its small and kind of button like). Hair? Ears? Personality?

How can we love someone else, or many someones, if we don’t first love ourselves? That doesn’t just include masturbation either…although thats a good start too!


Ahhhh. I’m feeling really good this week. It started off a teensy bit rough… I’m not going to lie to you. It is difficult, at times, Hank having a girlfriend. I’m not jealous of their feelings for each other, for the most part. But scheduling is difficult! She lives in another city and Hank and I are both SO busy with work right now and we only have one car and well, a kid. And it is just hard. Especially since I like to see Hank now and then also. Oh, I should tell you all her blog name that she has come up with: Kalena. So there it is – everyone, meet Hank’s girlfriend Kalena. Like with any other situation, I will not be writing much about how things are going between them because it doesn’t involve me. I will write about how I am feeling and the general status of their relationship, but not how Hank is feeling or how I think Kalena might be feeling. I will say right now though, that things seem to be going well right now. I think we’re going to share a Google calendar to avoid any resentment and confusion surrounding scheduling. Does anyone else have any tips for scheduling?

So, to the point of the post. I have been feeling great the past few days. I went for a jog and did some yoga on Tuesday – god, did that feel good. Okay it was pretty limited, it was a 17 minute jog and 12 minutes of yoga… but it’s a start. The yoga was more of an intense resistance workout and the jog would have been longer but I got my shoes wet in a creek and made the decision to turn back. I have only jogged once aside from that in the past four months, so I didn’t want to go as long as I normally do anyway. It is now tomato canning time, and by this time 12 hours from now I will literally be neck deep in tomatoes (almost 300 lbs of them, I kid you not), so working out is not really in the cards for the next few days. But I should be done by Monday or so, and then I will have so much time all of a sudden! Anyway, back to jogging. While it was a tad painful, I have to say I felt really, really centered while I was out there. It was a great feeling. I’m so excited to start working out again.

I have felt centered in general this week. All summer I have felt just a bit off. Not all the time, but too much of it. I’ve spent a bit of time frustrated and crying with Hank, over not seeing him at all. Lots of time stressed about work, lots of time lonely. And this week I just feel… good. I have been having a recurring dream, okay I’ve had it twice. I’m at my parents’ house, in one dream harvesting tomatoes from my own garden, in the other, chatting on their computer. In each, I notice someone I love, someone who lives far away. The first time, it was Andy, the guy from a country away who I sometimes talk to online. Funny, he was a garbage man, in the back alley. In the other, it was my “first girl love” as mentioned in this post and also, incidentally, the “old friend” we stayed with, mentioned in this recent post. She needs a name. Let’s call her Lucy. In the dream, she was in the other room and we were chatting back and forth, and I called out to her to come see me. After that, both dreams were similar. Andy, or Lucy, approached me, and we hugged, and they told me they loved me so very much. A small difference – in the one about Lucy I kissed her and then we lay down on the bed to hug more, and in the one about Andy I commented on his boner. Hahaha. But both mornings I woke up feeling so good. A little like I had actually spent time with each of them.

Things have been IN. SANE. at work. Holy wow. My head felt like it was going to spin off today, it was so crazy all day. Just go go go. So maybe I didn’t feel centered for a while there, but it was energizing at least.

I don’t know how to put it into words, but I feel like I’ve been disconnected for a while… and like now I am tapped into – something – again. I am thinking spiritually here but don’t know how to put it into words. I normally feel tapped in, like kind of a constant buzz, a bit of an ache in my belly, and when that’s not there, it’s all emptiness and silence. When I’m connected it’s all inspiration, beauty, gratitude. That’s where I am now.

I will close with this. I am missing Lucy. A lot. I’m wishing, these days, that I could live in some timeless realm with all the people I love most, the people who will never all live in one place. I’m choosing to think I’m going there while I sleep, and maybe that’s the buzz I’m feeling.

The song speaks to how I’m feeling; the video, incidentally, shows why I don’t buy much that isn’t repurposed, used, locally made or fair trade.


Like Rabies, only cuter.

Ok, seriously.  I’m a birth doula.  I love it.  It is an AMAZING job.  I want to eventually become a Midwife, or a Nurse Midwife.  Or maybe a Midwife with a Nursing degree?  Well tonight I attended my 6th birth.  I have to kind of think things out but I wanted to make a point of saying how awesome the health care system is here!  The RN’s were so accommodating, they even let the mom eat! That never happens in Alberta! Moms in labour at the hospital are not allowed to eat.  Just ice chips.  Like thats going to help anyone needed NUTRIENTS!

Tonight was also my first birth with a midwife.  That was pretty cool too.

My tally for births so far:

Boys – 4/6

Girls – 2/6

C-sections – 3/6 (two emergency, one elective)

Epidurals – 6/6 (3 for c-sections, 1 for oxytocin, 2 because labour had been over 30 hrs and mom needed a rest)

Happiness – 6/6

I know its not a poly related post, but I wanted to throw something up.  I have spent the better part of August sick.  Really really REALLY sick.  Starting to feel better finally.  I also started a new job.

Enough excuses.  I do have the cornstarch blog in the makings.  Just need to finish up a few things first *wink*

I know, I know!

I need to put up a better post as so much has been happening lately.  Like the story about the 100 lbs of corn starch in my bath tub.  But for tonight you get this.

I miss you.

I love you.

I think about you all the fucking time.

I miss holding your hand while I fall asleep.

I miss hearing your voice as you talk me to sleep.

I don’t miss the distance.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your mouth on mine.

I miss your shyness.

I miss the way you smell and taste.

I hate that we can’t be together anymore.

I hate that this time it was my fault.

I want to tell you all these things and I can’t.

I don’t know how you really feel.

I only know that I want you in my life.


That about sums it up. I am kind of blowing it with Daphne right now. I don’t even know why. I really like her – she makes me laugh, she has great taste and can recommend movies, books, art, music I might like, and hold a conversation with me about those things. She is really cute and I’m very attracted to her. She’s smart. She can hold her own in a political discussion. And yet I find myself not writing to her often enough… not jumping to make plans with her… and even hesitating when I know she is interested in having sex.

Here is the bad part: she was gone for the summer, from the beginning of July until August 7, and we didn’t really talk. We had plans for a sleepover when she got back. The day of, I changed my mind because I had been sick with a cold for ten days (unheard of for me! I haven’t had a cold at ALL in almost a year, not even a minor one!) and just couldn’t seem to kick it; and I had a trade fair that day; and I needed to  be home early the next morning anyway. I still went to her house but planned to go home afterward. We were both really tired (she is in the middle of moving, as well as having just traveled back), and we sat and watched a couple movies.

Toward the end of the second movie, around 12:30 am, when I was struggling to keep my eyes open, she excused herself to the washroom and came back with a vibrator. We had been cuddling but that was about it. She proceeded to get me off which was lovely and then… I didn’t reciprocate. Is that horrible? I was so tired, and didn’t think we were doing anything that night… and we hadn’t discussed it.

It’s not as simple as that though. I find myself hesitating when she is making advances… something just feels a bit off. It could be a few things. For one, her husband does not wish to meet nor know anything about me, so our relationship is pretty compartmentalized. She also doesn’t really want any part of our family life. All of this is fine. I’m not saying it’s wrong. But she is also too tired to hang out during the week because of her job, and so with all that combined, I find our relationship very limited. Now, I look at that and say, “That’s fine, the relationship can be what it needs to be.” But here’s the thing – I think I need a deeper connection. I’m beginning to doubt whether I can have a “friend with benefits.” I am experiencing the feelings of emptiness I used to have when I would sleep with other women, before we identified as and understood poly, before we understood that we could be happy falling in love with other people.

Here is my theory – while I love flirting, and holding hands, and cuddling with, maybe even kissing, friends and slightly-more-than-friends, I think in order to enjoy sex I need to be in love. To feel a deep connection. To be able to fully be a part of the person’s life and have them be a part of mine. With people whom I’ve not felt that connection, I have found I get a lot of pleasure out of those simpler things – the cuddling, flirting, all of that. But when it turns to sex it loses its appeal for me. However when we were with Wren, for instance, or when I was with Pat (both of whom I was in love with and with whom I felt a deep connection), I was very into the sex.

Maybe I’m more traditional than I thought?!?! 😉

I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t known what to write. The past couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. There have been a few awesome things going on, and a lot of really awful things as well.

Aside from our favourite hen dying in my arms following a cat attack; employee drama at my business; and my neighbour and good friend’s mom dying at home down the street (none of which were life-changing, just adding to the negative headspace I was already finding myself in), the past two weeks, after I sent the message to Pat, things really went downhill in the Pat-Lisa-Wren realm. I can’t really write about what happened, exactly, since I don’t know. I do know that Lisa was pretty mad that I had sent the message (had I expected that reaction, I wouldn’t have sent it – I knew there was a chance of that happening but didn’t think it was likely), and that she was talking to Wren about it. For context, I’ll say here that Wren and Lisa are (or seem) very close now, and are quite likely a couple. If it sounds like I’m being vague, it’s because I honestly know nothing and don’t care much to speculate. I realized shortly after that Lisa had made it clear from the beginning that if things didn’t work out between us she would have no desire to attempt to salvage a friendship and prefers, when things go bad between her and another person for whatever reason, to cut ties and walk away. Based on this and her consistent behaviour reaffirming as much I surmised that being Facebook friends was probably not necessary nor beneficial to either of us and took her off my friends list. Two days later, seemingly out of the blue, Wren removed Hank and me from hers. Again, I know basically nothing about why this was done nor what is happening in her world, nor her perception of the situation between us, and I am not going to speculate. From my side of things, this basically came completely out of the blue as I had thought we were taking time and space to try to be normal around each other again. We hadn’t spoken, aside from the odd friendly small-talk chat, since probably March. We hadn’t hung out at the same events, for the most part. She and Hank were on good terms to my knowledge. Ironically, I think about her often and how I wish she were in my life. I think about how I wish, for an hour, or three, we could just sit, and hug, and not talk… and just be together. And let all this weirdness dissipate for a little while.

I am really, really hurt by all of this and there is not much I can do about it. I texted her asking if we could maybe talk sometime and she responded that all we have done is talk and that she doesn’t think we could speak on friendly terms at this point. I feel like she is talking about a different situation than the one I am seeing. I suppose that is pretty accurate though as in any situation, the different people involved will sometimes see something *completely* differently from one another. It pains me to think that someone I care about so much, who once cared about me so deeply, can now hold me in such low regard that she wishes to completely cut me out of her life. What does that say about my character? A huge chunk of me thinks she must be right, that there must be something so terribly flawed about me that someone who knew me at such a deep level could wash her hands of me. Needless to say I’m having a bit of a hard time loving myself unconditionally right now and am really leaning on good friends.

Speaking of which… 🙂 Koi is currently in town and we got together for a sleepover last night. It was supposed to be a good old fashioned slumber party with a movie and treats and a pillow fight (oh wait… we never discussed a pillow fight… maybe that was in my head), but I accidentally bought the Blu-Ray version of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and her DVD player didn’t want anything to do with that. So in true Koi fashion she sat and lent a caring ear as I worked through how to move forward in my situation. I actually feel a lot better today. I have spent the past two weeks (okay, the past six months, really), questioning my every action, thought and word, worried that if it was wrong, I would alienate Wren or Lisa further, hurt them or Pat in some way, make them angry or cause them to think that I am a bad person. Yeah I know, it shouldn’t matter what other people think, as long as you own your actions and emotions and believe in yourself and your intentions. But what if you know that your intentions are good, and the people you’re worried about are people about whom you care very deeply, people whose opinions matter very much to you, people who you just want to see happy? What if no matter how you try to handle things – hands off, hands on, talking, allowing space, caring, trying not to care – the situation just gets worse?

Tomorrow Satsuki and I leave to go camping. There are a few of us going but the first night, only Wren and I will be there (we are holding spots for the others). I can’t really write to her to plan or talk about it… I have no idea what to expect. I hope that we can just hold a normal conversation. That is what I would expect from her but given that I never in a million years would have expected the events of the past couple of weeks, I can’t really count on my own expectations these days. It will be awful if she won’t talk to me at all or things are super awkward. But I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens, if it does. I suppose I should take a book!

Sigh. This part sucks. The part where you’re in love with someone you really want to hate, who probably hates you, who you can’t even look in the eye and presumably has no desire to be in the same room as you.

I saw Pat at the beginning of the month. For a refresher on who Pat is, go here. I had a relationship with him and his wife late last year/early this year. I was in love with Pat. Pat said he was in love with me. I wish I could outline all the details of this affair, but it has been agreed by a number of us that it’s best if I keep most of it under wraps and don’t give out details of what happened. Let’s just say, things between Pat and me were very, very intense, he told me he loved me way too soon (and I’m still left wondering whether it’s possible that it was true, or whether he was infatuated and, having been married and with just Lisa for 13 years at that point, he mistook that for love), and things ended abruptly with no discussion nor closure. For the record, it was all open and honest and sanctioned by all parties in both marriages, it just did not work out for a number of reasons. This was not a secret affair or anything like that.

So, I attended an event in early June at which Pat and Lisa volunteer each month. It’s a kids’ thing, and Satsuki loves it, and I suck it up and attend for her sake when it fits our schedule. Also, lots of our mutual friends attend so I go to see them, too. Well, this time I showed up right on time, and was the first one there. Except for Pat. He was over running the concession. None of my other friends were there yet. Satsuki started begging me for a sucker and I had promised earlier that I would buy her one, so off we went. This was the first time I had spoken to Pat since February. We have never discussed why our relationship ended, how our relationship can exist from here on (to my understanding, we are to stay out of each other’s lives as completely as possible… but whether this is because he hates me, or because he loves me and can’t bear to be around me but not with me, or because he is forbidden to see me because Lisa is not comfortable with it, I really have no clue. It’s anyone’s guess.) – nothing. I bought a sucker from him, and basically the words we exchanged were:

“Hey. Can we get one sucker please?”

“Sure. Here. That’s 50 cents.”

“Thanks. I promised Satsuki I’d get her one. She is really excited to be here.”


Yep, that’s it. The thing that kills me is I want to just feel nothing for him, besides benign pleasantness. Just a “hey it’s Pat, he is nice and I hope the best for him but am indifferent overall to his existence.” But I don’t. Being near him is still difficult. There is something huge there and it hurts. I remember at the beginning of our affair, when things were really rocky (there was a huge bump when everyone’s expectations didn’t match, and Hank wanted to sleep with Lisa and she seemed to want the same, but Pat was extremely against it, and then that got messy for a bit), I thought I wasn’t going to be able to see Pat at all, not date him, not touch him, not have him in my life. I passed him at a fundraiser for his kids’ school and felt like I was going to implode. Being near him makes me feel extremely happy and extremely sad all at once. I know these feelings will fade. I know I am not going to have to be near him. At least not often. But is it wrong to wish we could just sit down and talk about what happened? I feel like if we could talk, I could get some closure and be more at peace with being his friend. I wish we could be friends, really. I don’t think Lisa would have that though. I really just wish he could be my friend on Facebook and we could be in contact, and be comfortable around each other at events. He defriended me on Facebook a couple of months ago though, after I made a silly joke about Jesus (I strongly feel it was NOT offensive, but he and Lisa flipped out. Then he defriended me and then posted a huge status update about how he’d been forced to defriend someone because they are incredibly intolerant.) Okay so clearly he hates me. Right?

The thing is, Pat is pretty conceited. He brags a fair bit about money and his physique, and how girls try to pick him up everywhere he goes, and how everyone loves him, always. Yes, this was annoying. I am not denying that. He says that everyone always likes him a lot and that is very important to him. Which makes it really uber lame if I am all in love with him and he just completely loathes me. Ugh.

Then again, he told me while we were together that if Hank didn’t end up being okay with us exploring a relationship (which was the issue for the first two months), that he wanted us to cut all ties because he cared for me so deeply and could not bear to have me in his life if we couldn’t be together. All through the relationship, we were on exactly the same page. It was like I could read his thoughts. One of us would express a feeling and it was exactly what the other person was experiencing. Because of this I told him several times that if he ever didn’t hear from me, if he was ever in doubt about what was happening between us, that he could rest assured that my feelings matched his exactly. It was like we were of one mind. Later he told me that he wasn’t sure if things would work out, that he didn’t know whether Lisa was going to be okay with things in the long term, and he admitted to pulling away and not fully investing because it would break him to completely open himself to me and then lose me. The one note I did get from him, when I wrote to ask whether it was over (after not hearing a thing from him suddenly, for two weeks), was very detached and spoke of him not having time to have a relationship, that he needed to concentrate on his family. That he was sorry it hadn’t been what I had expected. It was very different from the way he had talked to me up until that point and felt like he had put up a wall.

So. I am left wondering – does he hate me, think I’m intolerant and awful and he can’t stand to have someone so horrible in his life? Or are we still on the same page? Does he secretly think of me, wonder how I am doing, miss our time together? Is he still in love? I know it doesn’t matter either way. It doesn’t change anything. But I so wish I could send him a message and ask. I wish I could ask him to go for coffee with me to close things up. Lisa and I don’t have a friendship at this point anyway. What do I have to lose really? I think what stops me from contacting him is the possibility that he hates me and I would just be giving him the satisfaction of knowing he has one more pathetic girl wrapped around his finger.