Category: relationships


Not too long ago I was back in the big city taking a course.  I spent some time with my dad and we had some chats.  One of those chats was me coming out to my dad.  I told him about being bi, about how I dated girls while I was married, and so on.  I told him about the dude I was interested in (who is no longer….great disappearing act) and the girl I had a date with before I left town.  I told him that I was poly and that Laine was (is?) monogamous.  He took it really well.  I haven’t had to hide anything since that talk.  It’s been fantastic!

My mother on the other hand…Well that’s been tricky.  She is a pretty closed off lady.  How have I approached my coming out, you may ask.  Baby steps.  Little little steps, with a side of flash!  I called her up a couple weeks ago and during our conversation I casually mentioned my date.  My yoga and brunch date, with a girl.   It went a little something like this:

Me – “I’m doing great! I had a wonderful date with Sue yesterday.  We went to yoga then brunch.  It was our second date”

Mother – “Isn’t that a girls name?” Said with a bit of  hesitancy

Me – “Yes, it was our second date”

Mother – “Oh. …… Well I  need to get ready for the gym now.  We can talk later in the week”

That’s my family.  Don’t like something? Ignore it and/or run away from it.  That’s ok.  I am no longer hiding it.  Baby steps, with a bit of flash.

Right after that phone call I called my dad and told him.  He was quite surprised and asked how it went.  We had a good laugh and said good bye.

I know that with some people coming out to their families has been hard and sometimes a bit awful.  I don’t think it has anything to do with how you do it.  I think it’s really just how the family reacts.  My tactics might not work.  I could be met with a “I never want to hear about it” but that’s her choice to shut me out like that.  I wont hide if I have dates, I wont hide if I have more than one partner,  and I really wont hide if those partners happen to be girls or guys anymore.  I won’t throw it in her face, but I wont hide it either.

Ok, so maybe I just came out as bi (kind of) to my mother, but eventually poly will come out.  My dad asks me about seeing two girls “They both know? They are ok with that? Isn’t that weird” Just so happens they both work together too! Yay poly!

One step at a time.

~Ivy

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Polyamory, at its core, is to me an opportunity to allow any relationship in my life to become what it is meant to be. Of course that is within the constraints of any relationship the other person may already have. But if I had to define poly, for what it means to me, it doesn’t come down to wanting or needing a specific number of lovers or loves. It comes down to being open to whatever may become of any new relationship that comes along.

Functionally, as an example, let’s say I have a close friend, male or female. Maybe we are new friends and just met a month or two ago, or maybe we have been friends for a few years. Suddenly we find ourselves flirting or experiencing an attraction to one another. In a poly situation, we talk openly about this attraction. It’s not assumed (as it may be in a monogamous relationship) that just because we feel an attraction, we will go on to have a romantic relationship that will include sex. It is then up to the two of us and partially any other partners in our lives to decide what will work for us. Close friends who cuddle, maybe make out? Friends who have sex once in a while for fun? Partners who are in love and may even go on to cohabitate? Something completely different or a combination of these? In my ideal poly situation (not saying that things are always ideal… like in any type of relationship or lifestyle), there is no pressure to be anything in particular. Many or hopefully all of the assumptions are dropped and what you are left with is the freedom to do what works in each individual situation. You’ve stopped painting all relationships and the possibilities therein with the same brush.

Right now, Veronica and I are figuring out exactly who we are to each other. I seem to be seeing her more, again. I hadn’t seen her in weeks… maybe a couple of months. It had been a long time. Her relationship with the other woman, the monogamous woman who was making rather unwelcome demands on Veronica’s time, didn’t allow for us to spend time together; or at least Veronica wanted some time to work it out with the other woman, and I wasn’t bothered by that.

So as Veronica related to me today, for a period of at least a few weeks, she more or less stopped seeing me and our poly friends for the sake of the other woman’s comfort. I missed her but was also going through a period where I welcomed the solitude. I think most of us go through these times, when we look within and want lots of time to relax, focus on ourselves (working out, writing, sleeping, reading), and don’t want a crowded social calendar. Hank was away for about a month and I just spent a lot of quiet nights alone, which at this point was really nice.

To be clear, Veronica did send me a detailed and really thoughtful message explaining why she had been withdrawing. We talked about it and agreed that we both feel that we will be perfectly happy to reunite after whatever period of time is needed, and that she should feel free to take some time to sort through her more complicated relationship with the other woman.

So here we are, in the position of figuring out what we are to each other. I personally love the ambiguity of it, and from the discussions we have had I believe Veronica is very comfortable with the freedom of boundaries in our relationship as well. I say that we are figuring out what we are to each other, but it is just as much a matter of not figuring it out… of letting it be whatever it needs to be at any time. I suppose the point is, when it comes down to it, shouldn’t every relationship be rooted in the moment, in now? I do think it’s important in a committed relationship to work at it, to, for instance, work on yourself and your own issues to help the relationship and keep it healthy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work at a relationship. But when it comes to a lover or someone you are dating, I do think that it’s kind of sad to fall back on assumptions or cultural expectations to decide what your relationship should look like, how often you should see each other, rules you have with one another, and so on.

So what is my relationship with Veronica in this moment, now? I refer to her as my “kind of girlfriend” or “my girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in a month.” I am in love with her and to my knowledge she is in love with me. I’m very attracted to her, and we flirt and plan to continue to sleep together. The sex is hot, and playful, and fun. That is now, and I have no desire for that to change. I feel completely okay with her having relationships with anyone else whom she pleases. I understand we may see more or less of one another depending who either of us is seeing or what is happening in our lives, and I feel fine about that too. All in all, I really like the nature of our relationship and the possibilities I see in it, and I feel really at peace about whichever direction it may take.

There is also another relationship I am starting to try to sort out, if it moves any further beyond where it is now. He is a friend I met through both the poly group and a bisexual support group one of my friends started. I’ll call him Marc. He is in a long-term, committed same-sex relationship and identifies as primarily gay but to my understanding he is looking for basically what I am looking for: someone of the opposite sex to cuddle and make out with and probably not anything sexual involving genitals. We kissed during a game of Spin the Bottle (love it!) at a friend’s party a couple weeks ago, and then made out and cuddled at a party I threw this past weekend. I couldn’t believe the smile on my face. I was so happy to be kissing him and be near him, and yet that pressure to get naked and get him inside me was not there. It was so nice. We agreed we’d both like to make out more. We have a date tomorrow night, just bubble tea and dessert and talking about what we’re looking for, I presume. And hopefully some hand holding, and then making out in the car after. Aw, he is adorable and awesome and I’m really giddy about this. It seems so unconventional at face value but makes so much sense to me.

So there, from my own life, a couple examples of what relationships could look like. That is what mine look like right now, in this moment… we will see what they are in a month, six months, a year! They may be very different but I can only hope I’ll be at least as happy then as I am now.

I’m sorry!

I have been neglectful. What I’d like to do on this blog is write focused posts that explore specific topics – rather than just the story of my life (although I want to keep you all updated on my life, too). I started my original blog to tell the story of Hank’s, Wren’s and my triad, because I wanted to document something that felt so amazing. Later I began to use that blog to work through my feelings surrounding what happened between Pat, Lisa and me. I then moved over here to try to avoid some drama between Wren and me, and upon moving here there was still a lot of healing going on for me, so I wrote about that. I am finally back at my centre, and have been for some time, and because of that there are fewer dramatic situations to dissect, if any. This is great! Both because I can’t take the stress of prolonged drama, and because it means I can delve more into the actual issues surrounding polyamory, bisexuality, and other such things.

But. For now… I will update you all. Once I’ve posted this update I can get to work constructing some broader posts.

Hank and Kalina broke up at the end of November, the month that she took off work and lived in our city to see how things might work long-term. To be honest the break-up wasn’t pretty. You might even say it was arduous. Okay, fuck, yes, it was arduous. A lot of off and on, Hank not making his intentions clear, Kalina acting quite erratically. It wasn’t fun to watch and I’m sure it was even less fun to be in the middle of. They seem to have it sorted now and still speak sometimes, but not about getting back together. I’d say more about the reasons for the break-up but again, it’s not my story to tell so I won’t speculate or try to explain any of it here. Those of you who know Hank personally are welcome to ask. 😉

Veronica and I are still together, though we haven’t seen each other much since we had a night away together in mid-December. We have gotten together a couple of times, but between me being gone for a week at Christmas, then her leaving for one trip very early in January and another immediately after, and just getting home last night, it feels like I haven’t seen her in ages! I am hoping to see her tomorrow night. Hank is away this week and then for most of February and into March, so I’m hoping Veronica can come stay at my place at least a couple nights this month.

I am also headed to visit Lucy (see “first girl love,” here) with Satsuki this month while Hank is away. I’m really excited about that. It was so awesome being with Lucy, her partner and their two kids when we went to visit in August. Things between us are really natural and easy, and there is a really deep love there. It’s really lovely.

Aside from that, I will fill you all in on my feelings regarding the guy friend I went hiking with last summer. I am going to call him Jason. I’ve been kind of interested in him still, but go back and forth on it, and on guys in general really. That’s a whole post in itself.

Really my life has been lots and lots of work, lots of homeschooling, lots of hanging out with Koi, taking part in the burgeoning local poly and bi communities (so much fun and so many new friends!!), and working out more (and feeling great for it). I will post again soon, I promise. Now to decide which topic to tackle first…

I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.

~Ivy

 

(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.

What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,

~Ivy

Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.

Tonight…

Tonight Chris was in town.  We talked, we held hands, we kissed, we went for a walk.  It was so nice.  I knew I missed her, but I kind of ignored how much her company actually ment to me.  We talked about all kinds of things.  The conversation just flowed, and we seem to click well.  I like that there isn’t really a sexual aspect to our relationship.  It takes the pressure off.  At least that’s how I feel about it.

It was just nice.  She told me about her other relationships, and how she is leaving to go to Japan soon (JEALOUS!) and I am so happy for her.  I really want things to go well with her.

I don’t feel the need to invest more into what we already have. I mean that in the best possible way.  I like where we are.

~Ivy

BOUNCE!!!

I know its silly to get this excited for something that might possibly turn out to be nothing, but I am so excited!  Chris is in town for the night and she is coming over tonight!! I can honestly say that I am not expecting anything, I am just excited to see her.  Shower and clean up time now!!

~Ivy

My Relationships

I guess you could say I am Poly Single right now.  I only really have my primary relationship with Laine.  But I do have other kinds of relationships with other people.  Here we go.

Main Characters:

Laine – Husband

Girlfriday – Ex GF.  Current friend who I miss daily and care about so freaking much. And who I wish I hadn’t fucked this time up with.  I’m Sorry.

IDV8 – Ex BF. Current casual play partner.  Sexual and kink wise my top.

Pet – My, well, pet. Kinky, not an animal.

My Uncle – No really, just my Uncle.  He is pretty much my best friend out here and I am so thankful to have him in my life.

Ms Jinx – Ex GF. Current very good friend…Moving out here soon too!

HH – My long term illicit love affair.  Been going on for many years now and who’s wife is not aware.  Even with me ending it years ago, it started up after seeing him again last year.  Laine knows, but HH’s wife doesn’t

Tokerbell – Friend, birthday party planner, support when needed. Overall genuine and super person.

Agnes & Koi – My lovely Co- Bloggers who do a much much better job than me at keeping this blog going.  Thanks ladies!

Supporting Cast:

The Slunts – A lovely bunch of coconuts, I mean ladies.  Hilarious and charming.  There when you need it (most of the time).  Always up for fun and adventures.  (Their various partners are also included under this title)

L&L – Two wonderful people about to be married, who have also become friends of mine.  I met them though..

Chris –  We had a little something going on before she moved away.  I think about her a lot, and miss her company, even though I suck at replying to emails.

A – Knew of her for a long time, really go to hang out at Shambhala and will go visit her soon since she just moved to the ‘Loops.  We get along really well and I am happy for her friendship.

Chorus:

Internet Peeps – People I talk with online.  One in particular we chat over FB emails, and will one day eventually meet up when our schedules line up.  Maybe someday he will be moved up to Supporting Cast or Main…Who know.

Guy 1 – first one night stand.  Known him for many years back in Calgary, he was here on vacation.  Told me during sex that since he met me that he had wanted to fuck me.  I just laughed at him.   Then to sooth his feelings I told him I always thought he was hot.

Guy 2 – second one night stand.  Knew him for all of 4 hours.  He showed up at my door at 3am, guessing my buzzer.  Spent the night talking about art and relationships then took his ass virginity.  Didn’t even kiss him.

Guy 3 – Third one night stand.  Met him outside of a bar.  Walked 4 blocks, made out in two alleys.  Took him home.  He was fun.  Very enthusiastic about my orgasms.  Told me that I didn’t know what it was like to make a woman glow like that.  To give her that kind of feeling.  Again just laughed at him.

In a way I see myself as poly single as I only have one partner who I am really with.  And even with him we are not really together.  Living in different provinces suck.  I think it has been good for us though to figure out shit out.  I miss him all the time though.  I miss a lot of people.

I am sorry if I have missed anyone.  I tried to include everyone!!