Category: scheduling


Polyamory, at its core, is to me an opportunity to allow any relationship in my life to become what it is meant to be. Of course that is within the constraints of any relationship the other person may already have. But if I had to define poly, for what it means to me, it doesn’t come down to wanting or needing a specific number of lovers or loves. It comes down to being open to whatever may become of any new relationship that comes along.

Functionally, as an example, let’s say I have a close friend, male or female. Maybe we are new friends and just met a month or two ago, or maybe we have been friends for a few years. Suddenly we find ourselves flirting or experiencing an attraction to one another. In a poly situation, we talk openly about this attraction. It’s not assumed (as it may be in a monogamous relationship) that just because we feel an attraction, we will go on to have a romantic relationship that will include sex. It is then up to the two of us and partially any other partners in our lives to decide what will work for us. Close friends who cuddle, maybe make out? Friends who have sex once in a while for fun? Partners who are in love and may even go on to cohabitate? Something completely different or a combination of these? In my ideal poly situation (not saying that things are always ideal… like in any type of relationship or lifestyle), there is no pressure to be anything in particular. Many or hopefully all of the assumptions are dropped and what you are left with is the freedom to do what works in each individual situation. You’ve stopped painting all relationships and the possibilities therein with the same brush.

Right now, Veronica and I are figuring out exactly who we are to each other. I seem to be seeing her more, again. I hadn’t seen her in weeks… maybe a couple of months. It had been a long time. Her relationship with the other woman, the monogamous woman who was making rather unwelcome demands on Veronica’s time, didn’t allow for us to spend time together; or at least Veronica wanted some time to work it out with the other woman, and I wasn’t bothered by that.

So as Veronica related to me today, for a period of at least a few weeks, she more or less stopped seeing me and our poly friends for the sake of the other woman’s comfort. I missed her but was also going through a period where I welcomed the solitude. I think most of us go through these times, when we look within and want lots of time to relax, focus on ourselves (working out, writing, sleeping, reading), and don’t want a crowded social calendar. Hank was away for about a month and I just spent a lot of quiet nights alone, which at this point was really nice.

To be clear, Veronica did send me a detailed and really thoughtful message explaining why she had been withdrawing. We talked about it and agreed that we both feel that we will be perfectly happy to reunite after whatever period of time is needed, and that she should feel free to take some time to sort through her more complicated relationship with the other woman.

So here we are, in the position of figuring out what we are to each other. I personally love the ambiguity of it, and from the discussions we have had I believe Veronica is very comfortable with the freedom of boundaries in our relationship as well. I say that we are figuring out what we are to each other, but it is just as much a matter of not figuring it out… of letting it be whatever it needs to be at any time. I suppose the point is, when it comes down to it, shouldn’t every relationship be rooted in the moment, in now? I do think it’s important in a committed relationship to work at it, to, for instance, work on yourself and your own issues to help the relationship and keep it healthy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work at a relationship. But when it comes to a lover or someone you are dating, I do think that it’s kind of sad to fall back on assumptions or cultural expectations to decide what your relationship should look like, how often you should see each other, rules you have with one another, and so on.

So what is my relationship with Veronica in this moment, now? I refer to her as my “kind of girlfriend” or “my girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in a month.” I am in love with her and to my knowledge she is in love with me. I’m very attracted to her, and we flirt and plan to continue to sleep together. The sex is hot, and playful, and fun. That is now, and I have no desire for that to change. I feel completely okay with her having relationships with anyone else whom she pleases. I understand we may see more or less of one another depending who either of us is seeing or what is happening in our lives, and I feel fine about that too. All in all, I really like the nature of our relationship and the possibilities I see in it, and I feel really at peace about whichever direction it may take.

There is also another relationship I am starting to try to sort out, if it moves any further beyond where it is now. He is a friend I met through both the poly group and a bisexual support group one of my friends started. I’ll call him Marc. He is in a long-term, committed same-sex relationship and identifies as primarily gay but to my understanding he is looking for basically what I am looking for: someone of the opposite sex to cuddle and make out with and probably not anything sexual involving genitals. We kissed during a game of Spin the Bottle (love it!) at a friend’s party a couple weeks ago, and then made out and cuddled at a party I threw this past weekend. I couldn’t believe the smile on my face. I was so happy to be kissing him and be near him, and yet that pressure to get naked and get him inside me was not there. It was so nice. We agreed we’d both like to make out more. We have a date tomorrow night, just bubble tea and dessert and talking about what we’re looking for, I presume. And hopefully some hand holding, and then making out in the car after. Aw, he is adorable and awesome and I’m really giddy about this. It seems so unconventional at face value but makes so much sense to me.

So there, from my own life, a couple examples of what relationships could look like. That is what mine look like right now, in this moment… we will see what they are in a month, six months, a year! They may be very different but I can only hope I’ll be at least as happy then as I am now.

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Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.

Ahhhh. I’m feeling really good this week. It started off a teensy bit rough… I’m not going to lie to you. It is difficult, at times, Hank having a girlfriend. I’m not jealous of their feelings for each other, for the most part. But scheduling is difficult! She lives in another city and Hank and I are both SO busy with work right now and we only have one car and well, a kid. And it is just hard. Especially since I like to see Hank now and then also. Oh, I should tell you all her blog name that she has come up with: Kalena. So there it is – everyone, meet Hank’s girlfriend Kalena. Like with any other situation, I will not be writing much about how things are going between them because it doesn’t involve me. I will write about how I am feeling and the general status of their relationship, but not how Hank is feeling or how I think Kalena might be feeling. I will say right now though, that things seem to be going well right now. I think we’re going to share a Google calendar to avoid any resentment and confusion surrounding scheduling. Does anyone else have any tips for scheduling?

So, to the point of the post. I have been feeling great the past few days. I went for a jog and did some yoga on Tuesday – god, did that feel good. Okay it was pretty limited, it was a 17 minute jog and 12 minutes of yoga… but it’s a start. The yoga was more of an intense resistance workout and the jog would have been longer but I got my shoes wet in a creek and made the decision to turn back. I have only jogged once aside from that in the past four months, so I didn’t want to go as long as I normally do anyway. It is now tomato canning time, and by this time 12 hours from now I will literally be neck deep in tomatoes (almost 300 lbs of them, I kid you not), so working out is not really in the cards for the next few days. But I should be done by Monday or so, and then I will have so much time all of a sudden! Anyway, back to jogging. While it was a tad painful, I have to say I felt really, really centered while I was out there. It was a great feeling. I’m so excited to start working out again.

I have felt centered in general this week. All summer I have felt just a bit off. Not all the time, but too much of it. I’ve spent a bit of time frustrated and crying with Hank, over not seeing him at all. Lots of time stressed about work, lots of time lonely. And this week I just feel… good. I have been having a recurring dream, okay I’ve had it twice. I’m at my parents’ house, in one dream harvesting tomatoes from my own garden, in the other, chatting on their computer. In each, I notice someone I love, someone who lives far away. The first time, it was Andy, the guy from a country away who I sometimes talk to online. Funny, he was a garbage man, in the back alley. In the other, it was my “first girl love” as mentioned in this post and also, incidentally, the “old friend” we stayed with, mentioned in this recent post. She needs a name. Let’s call her Lucy. In the dream, she was in the other room and we were chatting back and forth, and I called out to her to come see me. After that, both dreams were similar. Andy, or Lucy, approached me, and we hugged, and they told me they loved me so very much. A small difference – in the one about Lucy I kissed her and then we lay down on the bed to hug more, and in the one about Andy I commented on his boner. Hahaha. But both mornings I woke up feeling so good. A little like I had actually spent time with each of them.

Things have been IN. SANE. at work. Holy wow. My head felt like it was going to spin off today, it was so crazy all day. Just go go go. So maybe I didn’t feel centered for a while there, but it was energizing at least.

I don’t know how to put it into words, but I feel like I’ve been disconnected for a while… and like now I am tapped into – something – again. I am thinking spiritually here but don’t know how to put it into words. I normally feel tapped in, like kind of a constant buzz, a bit of an ache in my belly, and when that’s not there, it’s all emptiness and silence. When I’m connected it’s all inspiration, beauty, gratitude. That’s where I am now.

I will close with this. I am missing Lucy. A lot. I’m wishing, these days, that I could live in some timeless realm with all the people I love most, the people who will never all live in one place. I’m choosing to think I’m going there while I sleep, and maybe that’s the buzz I’m feeling.

The song speaks to how I’m feeling; the video, incidentally, shows why I don’t buy much that isn’t repurposed, used, locally made or fair trade.