Category: self worth

I watched this little video the other day.  Very interesting.  And actually really relevant to me.  I have a thyroid issue.  But not the same one as Nina Hartley (who is freaking amazing!).  No,  I have whats called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  It kind of sucks but I can keep it regulated with medication.  Hooray science!

The part that I was really able to identify with in that video was the low libido.  When my levels are off then the first thing to go is my sex drive (and it takes me longer to orgasm).  And yes, it really is the last thing to come back.

I have been dealing with this since I was pretty young.  The thyroid issues, not the orgasms.  I could always reach orgasm on my own, but not always with partners.  This could cause many issues with lovers.  That whole “did you cum?” looming over your head.  If you don’t then something is either wrong with you or with them.  In the sex race the finish line was always the orgasm.  When I was sleeping with my first lady love (at age 13ish) I always just enjoyed the fun we had.  I don’t recall if she ever came, but I know I didn’t at least not at the time.  Later on my own I would.  That was never an issue for us.  We just enjoyed the act and the feelings we did have.  It was never really an issue until I started to sleep with guys when I was 18.  My first guy – I faked it every time we had sex.  It was too quick (under 5 mins) so I never really had time to build up to it.  And I didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.  My second male lover on the other hand was able to bring me to orgasm with his mouth and hand.  That was pretty awesome for me! It wasn’t until I was 19/20 and sleeping with Laine that I had my first orgasm during sex.  It was never a requirement of sex, but it was always a nice bonus.

One thing I did notice about my orgasms were that they didn’t always feel the same during sex as they did on my own.  It wasn’t just the different intensity. Later on as I became poly and found that I really struggled to have orgasms during sex with other partners I really had to take a look at what was going on with me.  I was enjoying the sex, I enjoyed my partners, but I couldn’t just get there.  I didn’t mind, much.  I had sex for the fun and the connection it brought.

First step was to get my levels checked.  I knew that if they were low then everything else went downhill.

Second step was to get over my shyness.  Sometimes all we need is a lack of inhibition in the bed room.  Let my partner explore my body.  Be comfortable in my own skin.  Have sex for the sake of sex not for any other reason (that one was pretty easy to do).

Third step was to have my own orgasms.  What pressure do I like? What feels good to me? How hard/fast. To the left/right or direct stimulation.

Fourth step was to accept that I can’t always get there and not make it a big deal if I do or don’t.

As I get older all this became simpler. I have less hang ups about sex now than I did 5 years ago, and even less than 10 years ago.

Another thing I have learned about over the years is trantric.  I want to be clear here, I don’t have trantric sex.  I just take some ideas and practices into thought.  I can now orgasm without a strong physical response.  It’s just as good, and can be just as strong as a physical orgasm, but I don’t need the same stimulation.  I started learning about these kinds many years ago.  I’m really glad that I did.  They really take the stress off!

As I get older and more and more comfortable in my own body I have found I can also be multi-orgasmic (and on occasion ejaculate).  Mostly it’s the lack of my own personal hang ups.  Sometimes it is easier to achieve when my levels are in the normal range too.

This whole health and orgasm thread came about because I have this amazing doctor right now who listens to me when I talk with them about how I am feeing on my thyroid meds.  Sure my levels are normal range, but I still have the symptoms, so we increased the dosage just a little bit.  Over the last month and a half I have noticed a HUGE improvement.  Sex drive is the fist thing to go and the last to come back.  It’s been back in full force these last few weeks and I welcome it! I would go weeks at a time without even masturbating.  I just didn’t care to.  Now I actually want to.  And I can orgasm with when I have sex with someone.  Both the tantric kind and the physical kind.

Your state of wellness makes a huge difference in how you approach your relationships.  When you’re poly it’s not just you.  It’s you, your partner(s), their partner(s) and so on.  Cumming with one person and not with another can be a blow to the self esteem.  For anyone.  I didn’t learn different ways to orgasm for anyone but me.  I wanted to get another level of satisfaction from sex.  I enjoy sex. I really enjoy sex.  I’m not shy about that.  I don’t worry anymore about if i’ll ‘finish’.  I also don’t feel the need to lie or fake it now.  I’ll get there or I wont.  I’m just going to enjoy the ride….




I really like my…

People complain about their bodies all the time.  I don’t like this, I don’t like that.  I’m not good looking,  I wish I was more/less etc.  We need to stop focusing on the stuff we don’t like and focus on the things we like or love about ourselves!

I love my eyes, I think they are a beautiful shade of green.  I think I have a cute mouth.  My curves are ample and feminine.  My breasts are fantastic.  I have really nice forearms.  My shoulders are strong.  I have really great cheek bones.  I have a beautiful vulva.  I think its pretty and symmetrical and kind of adorable really.  I have long legs.  My fingers are long and talented.  My feet are cute and unique.  I could go on.  I really do like myself!

Heck! I love myself.  I love who I am.  Granted there are things that I would like to change.  I want longer thicker hair.  I would love to have a smaller belly, even a bit of a smaller ass.  But I don’t obsess about that.  I do what I can to stay healthy, and think positive.  Also I think people focus on the things they can see and pick apart.  Who else loves their vulvas? Toes? Nose? (I like my nose too, its small and kind of button like). Hair? Ears? Personality?

How can we love someone else, or many someones, if we don’t first love ourselves? That doesn’t just include masturbation either…although thats a good start too!


How To Be Alone

I asked the Universe for help with being comfortable being alone, and I received Koi’s last post and this video, via Facebook:

I was playing around online tonight via Stumble Upon and I came across this blog post.  I almost cried.   I went to a lot of schools growing up and I was called many things for many reasons.  Most of them unjustified.  Like the author of that blog I developed early.  I developed in grade 5.  No training bra for me, straight to the big girl bras.  By time I was 11 I could pass as 15, by 13 I looked 18, kind of stayed that way until I was in my early 20’s.

Because of my huge rack I got lot of unwanted attention during the ages of 11 and 13.  Boys at school would only talk to my chest, girls would say I stuffed.  My biological father would make comments about my development that should not have been ever said to a girl, and rarely a full grown woman.  I was raped when I was 12.  I don’t know by whom, but it was someone from my household. Not that the sexual abuse started or ended there.  It just happened.  I remember this boy I was dating when I was 13 telling me that he liked me because of my boobs.

I drank, smoked, did drugs and slept with another girl behind my boyfriends back.  I hated my life.  I had developed an eating problem.  We rarely had food in the house, so I would go weeks with just a loaf of bread (un-sliced, because that cost less) and a jar of peanut butter to eat.  I would be too scared to eat.  I would avoid eating so that when my biological dad beat me up I wouldn’t get in trouble for throwing up.  Or so I could have a bigger sandwich later. Or so my boyfriend wouldn’t say I was getting fat.  I was about 120lbs, and that was mostly muscle from swimming.  Years later after moving back in with my mom I would hide and hoard food in fear of not having anything.  I finally stopped doing that when I was in my early 20’s.

My boyfriend would tell everyone I was sleeping with him, my biological dad would assume that I was sleeping with everyone.  He said to me once “only sluts have tits like that” Like it was somehow my own fault.

After leaving that situation I started to wear baggy pants and tops.  I wanted to hide my body.  I didn’t want that kind of attention from anyone.   I looked forward to getting into a pool everyday because no one was looking at my body then.  No one judged me on how I looked, only on my technique and my speed.

Names we call people as kids really stick around.  Later I was called a geek, a nerd, a freak, a drama dork, etc.  Some may have been warranted, and some I wore with pride.

We call ourselves Ethical Sluts now, and sometimes my friends and I will joke about being slutty or having a slut summer, but we realize that its just a word now and not an attack on someones character.  In the last 20 years things have changed a lot for me and about me.  Now I know that being called a slut was just because people were unable to deal with my mature looks.  Well, my classmates at least.  There is no excuse for the rest.


I haven’t written in a while because I haven’t known what to write. The past couple of weeks have been pretty stressful. There have been a few awesome things going on, and a lot of really awful things as well.

Aside from our favourite hen dying in my arms following a cat attack; employee drama at my business; and my neighbour and good friend’s mom dying at home down the street (none of which were life-changing, just adding to the negative headspace I was already finding myself in), the past two weeks, after I sent the message to Pat, things really went downhill in the Pat-Lisa-Wren realm. I can’t really write about what happened, exactly, since I don’t know. I do know that Lisa was pretty mad that I had sent the message (had I expected that reaction, I wouldn’t have sent it – I knew there was a chance of that happening but didn’t think it was likely), and that she was talking to Wren about it. For context, I’ll say here that Wren and Lisa are (or seem) very close now, and are quite likely a couple. If it sounds like I’m being vague, it’s because I honestly know nothing and don’t care much to speculate. I realized shortly after that Lisa had made it clear from the beginning that if things didn’t work out between us she would have no desire to attempt to salvage a friendship and prefers, when things go bad between her and another person for whatever reason, to cut ties and walk away. Based on this and her consistent behaviour reaffirming as much I surmised that being Facebook friends was probably not necessary nor beneficial to either of us and took her off my friends list. Two days later, seemingly out of the blue, Wren removed Hank and me from hers. Again, I know basically nothing about why this was done nor what is happening in her world, nor her perception of the situation between us, and I am not going to speculate. From my side of things, this basically came completely out of the blue as I had thought we were taking time and space to try to be normal around each other again. We hadn’t spoken, aside from the odd friendly small-talk chat, since probably March. We hadn’t hung out at the same events, for the most part. She and Hank were on good terms to my knowledge. Ironically, I think about her often and how I wish she were in my life. I think about how I wish, for an hour, or three, we could just sit, and hug, and not talk… and just be together. And let all this weirdness dissipate for a little while.

I am really, really hurt by all of this and there is not much I can do about it. I texted her asking if we could maybe talk sometime and she responded that all we have done is talk and that she doesn’t think we could speak on friendly terms at this point. I feel like she is talking about a different situation than the one I am seeing. I suppose that is pretty accurate though as in any situation, the different people involved will sometimes see something *completely* differently from one another. It pains me to think that someone I care about so much, who once cared about me so deeply, can now hold me in such low regard that she wishes to completely cut me out of her life. What does that say about my character? A huge chunk of me thinks she must be right, that there must be something so terribly flawed about me that someone who knew me at such a deep level could wash her hands of me. Needless to say I’m having a bit of a hard time loving myself unconditionally right now and am really leaning on good friends.

Speaking of which… 🙂 Koi is currently in town and we got together for a sleepover last night. It was supposed to be a good old fashioned slumber party with a movie and treats and a pillow fight (oh wait… we never discussed a pillow fight… maybe that was in my head), but I accidentally bought the Blu-Ray version of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and her DVD player didn’t want anything to do with that. So in true Koi fashion she sat and lent a caring ear as I worked through how to move forward in my situation. I actually feel a lot better today. I have spent the past two weeks (okay, the past six months, really), questioning my every action, thought and word, worried that if it was wrong, I would alienate Wren or Lisa further, hurt them or Pat in some way, make them angry or cause them to think that I am a bad person. Yeah I know, it shouldn’t matter what other people think, as long as you own your actions and emotions and believe in yourself and your intentions. But what if you know that your intentions are good, and the people you’re worried about are people about whom you care very deeply, people whose opinions matter very much to you, people who you just want to see happy? What if no matter how you try to handle things – hands off, hands on, talking, allowing space, caring, trying not to care – the situation just gets worse?

Tomorrow Satsuki and I leave to go camping. There are a few of us going but the first night, only Wren and I will be there (we are holding spots for the others). I can’t really write to her to plan or talk about it… I have no idea what to expect. I hope that we can just hold a normal conversation. That is what I would expect from her but given that I never in a million years would have expected the events of the past couple of weeks, I can’t really count on my own expectations these days. It will be awful if she won’t talk to me at all or things are super awkward. But I guess I’ll deal with that when it happens, if it does. I suppose I should take a book!

As promised here is an update about the happenings in Nelson 🙂

I am working a lame job, I have joined the blue vest cult.  Sadly after 31 resumes they were one of two that called me back, and the only one that hired me.

I didn’t get into school for Midwifery, so now I am going to try to get there through the nursing route.  There is a great nursing program at the college here, and you do your last bit though University of Victoria, and get to do a month in Guatemala!!! Tomorrow I will call to talk with a counselor and see if I really need to do any upgrading *boo* Hopefully my massage degree will let me get away without having to do grades 11 and 12 biology and chemistry!  I am pretty sure I have my grade 11 bio, but thats about it.

I am going to get involved with pride here “Nelson’s shortest parade” as I have been told, but I really want to be involved with the community here.  And this will be my very first pride! I’m such a bad gay.

I met this really awesome person here.  She is…well… fascinating.  At least I think so.  There is so much to her that just makes me go “wow” so much.  She has asked to be called Chris on here.   She is MTF, and is butch.  She was only here for a bit, doing a metal working class.  She has moved away to another city to do film stuff, and then maybe off to Japan later (jealous!!!)  Of course it took me way to long to tell her that I was interested, and due to my stupid shyness at one point lead her to believe that I wasn’t into her by not replying after she told me she thought I was cute.  Instead I giggled, blushed, and dropped lasagna down my shirt.  Luckily we did have a chat about all that later.  We had two weeks left and I wanted to make the most of it.  Sex wasn’t really an option, due to some personal matters on her part, and that was just fine by me.  I just really wanted to hang out with my friend who I also wanted to make out with…a lot *grin*

We did have this one really fun night where she pinned me down and bit me all over my chest, arms, neck, and tummy.  I was left with most amazing bruises the next day and for almost two full weeks after that!  Oh, and I came from just her bitting me.  That was a new one!  Other than that one night we didn’t really do much sexually.  We would kiss now and then, and hold hands, go for walks.  I went to a going away party for her and to another party where I met some really cool people (one of them sent me a job posting for a job that sounds right up my alley), and just had a nice time with her.  I miss her.  I miss her company really.  We had a picnic by the waterfall one time and just talked.  I really enjoyed that time with her.  She said she might be back next summer for a couple months again, but thats further away than I would like to think about.  At least there is email.

I’ve had some out of town guests as well.  First there was Kid Genius.  There is so much I could say about him, but I will try to keep it simple.  We dated last year, until I found out via FB that he was seeing someone else without my knowledge.  We kind of broke up, but not really I guess.  Then broke up for good at the end of the summer.  We’ve maintained a friendship since then.  He came out for a visit and shit blew up.  It was a bad weekend, starting with finding out he had lied about his relationship status.  Then ending with a huge (drunken) fight and him walking out of my apartment around 230 am to walk to the bus depot.  Other than a text from him saying he got on the bus and he was sorry for what happened and I deserved better than how he had treated me.  And me sending an email to him about a week later saying I was glad he made it safely back I haven’t spoken to him.  I haven’t even gone online just because I think he has unblocked me and I really don’t want to talk to him.  Thats the simple version.

The wonderful and amazing and funny Ms Jinxx came out for a visit as well.  She left last night.  We had such a fun time! We bought matching dresses (her’s was pink, mine was green) for my friends wedding.  Watched Frisky Dingo and many many movies and other shows. Just a overall fun time.  I am so super glad we are friends.  I think my best memory of the whole thing was her learning to play the bag pipes from a fellow wedding/party goer.  Oh that and watching Frisky Dingo!  Despite her love of Lady Gaga I still love her company.  We talked about her moving out here with her lovely fella.  We’ll see what happens when she has sometime to talk him and figure stuff out.  It would be cool if she did move out here, and got a big ol’place and I could have cheap rent, and live with friends.

I have met some other cool poly people, but not much of an update there right now.

I am really just enjoying the time to myself to enjoy the space and the eye candy.  Its a nice change to just be Ivy and not feel like I have to be a certain way.  I can just be free and relax and let go.  I almost kind of came out at work the other day…that was funny.

I am focusing on my career path and trying to figure out what my next step or next move is.  I have kind of been keeping quite about stuff, but thats only because I needed some time to sort my feelings out.  After Kid Genius I was angry from him calling me names.  At the same time, I was relived to finally have said all the things I have wanted to say to him.  Now he knows that just because someone is married and poly, its NOT alright just go and fuck someone else.  And I know I wont ever settle again.   Took me long enough to learn that lesson, huh?!


Sigh. This part sucks. The part where you’re in love with someone you really want to hate, who probably hates you, who you can’t even look in the eye and presumably has no desire to be in the same room as you.

I saw Pat at the beginning of the month. For a refresher on who Pat is, go here. I had a relationship with him and his wife late last year/early this year. I was in love with Pat. Pat said he was in love with me. I wish I could outline all the details of this affair, but it has been agreed by a number of us that it’s best if I keep most of it under wraps and don’t give out details of what happened. Let’s just say, things between Pat and me were very, very intense, he told me he loved me way too soon (and I’m still left wondering whether it’s possible that it was true, or whether he was infatuated and, having been married and with just Lisa for 13 years at that point, he mistook that for love), and things ended abruptly with no discussion nor closure. For the record, it was all open and honest and sanctioned by all parties in both marriages, it just did not work out for a number of reasons. This was not a secret affair or anything like that.

So, I attended an event in early June at which Pat and Lisa volunteer each month. It’s a kids’ thing, and Satsuki loves it, and I suck it up and attend for her sake when it fits our schedule. Also, lots of our mutual friends attend so I go to see them, too. Well, this time I showed up right on time, and was the first one there. Except for Pat. He was over running the concession. None of my other friends were there yet. Satsuki started begging me for a sucker and I had promised earlier that I would buy her one, so off we went. This was the first time I had spoken to Pat since February. We have never discussed why our relationship ended, how our relationship can exist from here on (to my understanding, we are to stay out of each other’s lives as completely as possible… but whether this is because he hates me, or because he loves me and can’t bear to be around me but not with me, or because he is forbidden to see me because Lisa is not comfortable with it, I really have no clue. It’s anyone’s guess.) – nothing. I bought a sucker from him, and basically the words we exchanged were:

“Hey. Can we get one sucker please?”

“Sure. Here. That’s 50 cents.”

“Thanks. I promised Satsuki I’d get her one. She is really excited to be here.”


Yep, that’s it. The thing that kills me is I want to just feel nothing for him, besides benign pleasantness. Just a “hey it’s Pat, he is nice and I hope the best for him but am indifferent overall to his existence.” But I don’t. Being near him is still difficult. There is something huge there and it hurts. I remember at the beginning of our affair, when things were really rocky (there was a huge bump when everyone’s expectations didn’t match, and Hank wanted to sleep with Lisa and she seemed to want the same, but Pat was extremely against it, and then that got messy for a bit), I thought I wasn’t going to be able to see Pat at all, not date him, not touch him, not have him in my life. I passed him at a fundraiser for his kids’ school and felt like I was going to implode. Being near him makes me feel extremely happy and extremely sad all at once. I know these feelings will fade. I know I am not going to have to be near him. At least not often. But is it wrong to wish we could just sit down and talk about what happened? I feel like if we could talk, I could get some closure and be more at peace with being his friend. I wish we could be friends, really. I don’t think Lisa would have that though. I really just wish he could be my friend on Facebook and we could be in contact, and be comfortable around each other at events. He defriended me on Facebook a couple of months ago though, after I made a silly joke about Jesus (I strongly feel it was NOT offensive, but he and Lisa flipped out. Then he defriended me and then posted a huge status update about how he’d been forced to defriend someone because they are incredibly intolerant.) Okay so clearly he hates me. Right?

The thing is, Pat is pretty conceited. He brags a fair bit about money and his physique, and how girls try to pick him up everywhere he goes, and how everyone loves him, always. Yes, this was annoying. I am not denying that. He says that everyone always likes him a lot and that is very important to him. Which makes it really uber lame if I am all in love with him and he just completely loathes me. Ugh.

Then again, he told me while we were together that if Hank didn’t end up being okay with us exploring a relationship (which was the issue for the first two months), that he wanted us to cut all ties because he cared for me so deeply and could not bear to have me in his life if we couldn’t be together. All through the relationship, we were on exactly the same page. It was like I could read his thoughts. One of us would express a feeling and it was exactly what the other person was experiencing. Because of this I told him several times that if he ever didn’t hear from me, if he was ever in doubt about what was happening between us, that he could rest assured that my feelings matched his exactly. It was like we were of one mind. Later he told me that he wasn’t sure if things would work out, that he didn’t know whether Lisa was going to be okay with things in the long term, and he admitted to pulling away and not fully investing because it would break him to completely open himself to me and then lose me. The one note I did get from him, when I wrote to ask whether it was over (after not hearing a thing from him suddenly, for two weeks), was very detached and spoke of him not having time to have a relationship, that he needed to concentrate on his family. That he was sorry it hadn’t been what I had expected. It was very different from the way he had talked to me up until that point and felt like he had put up a wall.

So. I am left wondering – does he hate me, think I’m intolerant and awful and he can’t stand to have someone so horrible in his life? Or are we still on the same page? Does he secretly think of me, wonder how I am doing, miss our time together? Is he still in love? I know it doesn’t matter either way. It doesn’t change anything. But I so wish I could send him a message and ask. I wish I could ask him to go for coffee with me to close things up. Lisa and I don’t have a friendship at this point anyway. What do I have to lose really? I think what stops me from contacting him is the possibility that he hates me and I would just be giving him the satisfaction of knowing he has one more pathetic girl wrapped around his finger.

Things have been a bit crazy around here what with my upcoming move and trying to get everyone in, and work and pack and hang out with Laine, and and and!

It has been an interesting few days (in a good way).  On Saturday an ex of mine, Miss Jinx, was in town with her lovely gal.  We decided to go for a late lunch/early supper to start with.  The thing about us is we are all larger ladies, of varying large-ness.  And we are all damn sexy too 😉  I hadn’t seen Miss Jinx in about two years.  Actually after the break up we didn’t talk for almost a year.  It was really awesome to see her thought this past weekend!   We talked about being fat, and how people look at you or talk to/about you.  Right now I am just feeling not so awesome about where I am weight wise.  Hanging out with these ladies just made me feel so much more confident and happy about myself.  They understood that the weight wasn’t a result of sitting around and eating junk food all day.  Miss Jinx has PCOS, I have a badly behaved thyroid (and the car accident thing).  We’ve talked about it before, but this just really made me feel better.  It was just what I needed.  I can’t speak for everyone but I eat healthy, exercise, and all that, but I am just going to always be bigger, and that is alright with me!  At the end of our day out the three of us curled up under the covers at their hotel, cuddled a bit and watched The Hang Over.  It was really awesome! Platonic cuddles and good friends…good night!

Monday night I had a great chat with Girl Friday.  I told her about my day with Miss Jinx and her gal and how I felt a lot more confident! She mentioned that she always liked how confident I was.  I guess I am really good at faking it!

Another part of our chat was about our relationship.  Our friendship and how we feel about each other.  I miss her and I still care about her very much.  She mentioned that she felt that I kept how I felt to myself and she didn’t feel like I shared my emotions very well.  I never really felt like that myself.  I think of it as more of keeping the bad stuff to myself until I know how to talk about it so that I don’t blow up and do something or say something stupid to ruin things.   I hadn’t told her about how I felt because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.  Well that all came out on Monday.  I know now that she doesn’t want to be monogamous (yay! haha) and that she still has feelings for me as well.   We decided to think about what we wanted from a relationship and to talk about it after my going away party.  I wish I had a simple answer.

It would make me very happy to call her my girlfriend and to be called the same in return.  At the same time it wouldn’t upset me to be her friend either.  Or even a casual girlfriend heh.  I realize the difficulty of us having a more romantic relationship while I move to BC for the summer and maybe longer,  and even now with us living in two different cities as it is!  I don’t need anything serious, and I don’t need commitments or monogamy.  I’m doing a lot of thinking about what I do want though.  And at the risk of being accused of keeping my cards too close to my chest again,  I am still not ready to say anything about it.  I think Girl Friday should be the first to hear about it.

Working tonight, seeing friends and others over the next couple days…and I still need to pack! Ahhhh!! Hellllo stress! haha

I asked Koi what she thought I should blog about last night, and she gave me some ideas of lists. The top ten…somethings. It got me thinking. Well her and a friend asking me about poly stuff.

Today is my top ten things I like about being poly, no particular order.

1. I enjoy the freedom to be with other people. Its good to know that if I meet someone I find appealing then I can pursue that (generally) guilt free.

2. I enjoy the freedom to not be with other people. I don’t always feel the need to be in other relationships. Sometimes its nice to just be poly single!

3. Not every one you meet is a potential relationship. With my single friends (mostly the non poly type) when they are single they feel like they have to be out searching for a serious relationship or The One. Boring! Takes all the fun out of dating!

4. I love the network of friends you have the potenial to make. You meet one person, then meet their friends, and so on. From there you develop new friendships and romantic or even casual. In The Ethical Slut one of the authors (j don’t recall what one off the top of my head) talks about intiallt dating one person, then their partner, and meeting new people though that to be friends with, lovers, co parents and so on. sometimes that sense of sense of community is what people strive for. Right now I’m just happy to make friends.

5. Open communication. Laine and I have such good communication now. It wasn’t always so. But over the years we are able to talk about almost everything. At first I didn’t want to hear about his dates or anything like now. Now I am happy to listen, or offer advice when asked.

6. The High Five Factor. Ok I’m not here just yet, but it is a goal Laine and I have. To be able to come home from a hot date or sleep over and high five. Ie “you got some?! High Five!”. One day! We’re getting closer.

7. The snuggle factor. To be able to snuggle and cuddle with friends without expectations. Sometimes a cuddle is just a cuddle!

8. Honesty. In so many past relationships I hid things, I would avoid certain talks about how I felt. Now I can honest about who I am and what I want. Even in the time I don’t really have a clear answer as to what I want. And that is OK! I can say that I don’t know what p want, insead of making up an answer and thus avoiding bad situations.

9. The love fest. Ok, ok, maybe not love fest, but the more you put out, the more that comes back. Sometimes :). If you have more than one person in your life that loves and cares about you, and you love them, then how can you not just want to bask in that joy and love feeling?

10. The support. Not the same as the love, or friend stuff. When you are poly and know other poly people you have this support group of people who, when needed are there for you. After a break up they won’t tell you that the one is still out there, or that Mr/Ms right is waiting for you. They tell you how great you are as a person, as a partner, and remind you how cool you are to be so open minded and poly. And how much stronger you are for not dwelling on bad relationships. And they also support you if you want to be PS or celibate for a while, even if they think you are nuts. But that’s what good friends do!

Those are not just the only reasons or even the top ten, just a random sampling of 10.

Oh, and I wrote this all using WordPress on my BB! Horray!