Category: Sex

I watched this little video the other day.  Very interesting.  And actually really relevant to me.  I have a thyroid issue.  But not the same one as Nina Hartley (who is freaking amazing!).  No,  I have whats called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  It kind of sucks but I can keep it regulated with medication.  Hooray science!

The part that I was really able to identify with in that video was the low libido.  When my levels are off then the first thing to go is my sex drive (and it takes me longer to orgasm).  And yes, it really is the last thing to come back.

I have been dealing with this since I was pretty young.  The thyroid issues, not the orgasms.  I could always reach orgasm on my own, but not always with partners.  This could cause many issues with lovers.  That whole “did you cum?” looming over your head.  If you don’t then something is either wrong with you or with them.  In the sex race the finish line was always the orgasm.  When I was sleeping with my first lady love (at age 13ish) I always just enjoyed the fun we had.  I don’t recall if she ever came, but I know I didn’t at least not at the time.  Later on my own I would.  That was never an issue for us.  We just enjoyed the act and the feelings we did have.  It was never really an issue until I started to sleep with guys when I was 18.  My first guy – I faked it every time we had sex.  It was too quick (under 5 mins) so I never really had time to build up to it.  And I didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.  My second male lover on the other hand was able to bring me to orgasm with his mouth and hand.  That was pretty awesome for me! It wasn’t until I was 19/20 and sleeping with Laine that I had my first orgasm during sex.  It was never a requirement of sex, but it was always a nice bonus.

One thing I did notice about my orgasms were that they didn’t always feel the same during sex as they did on my own.  It wasn’t just the different intensity. Later on as I became poly and found that I really struggled to have orgasms during sex with other partners I really had to take a look at what was going on with me.  I was enjoying the sex, I enjoyed my partners, but I couldn’t just get there.  I didn’t mind, much.  I had sex for the fun and the connection it brought.

First step was to get my levels checked.  I knew that if they were low then everything else went downhill.

Second step was to get over my shyness.  Sometimes all we need is a lack of inhibition in the bed room.  Let my partner explore my body.  Be comfortable in my own skin.  Have sex for the sake of sex not for any other reason (that one was pretty easy to do).

Third step was to have my own orgasms.  What pressure do I like? What feels good to me? How hard/fast. To the left/right or direct stimulation.

Fourth step was to accept that I can’t always get there and not make it a big deal if I do or don’t.

As I get older all this became simpler. I have less hang ups about sex now than I did 5 years ago, and even less than 10 years ago.

Another thing I have learned about over the years is trantric.  I want to be clear here, I don’t have trantric sex.  I just take some ideas and practices into thought.  I can now orgasm without a strong physical response.  It’s just as good, and can be just as strong as a physical orgasm, but I don’t need the same stimulation.  I started learning about these kinds many years ago.  I’m really glad that I did.  They really take the stress off!

As I get older and more and more comfortable in my own body I have found I can also be multi-orgasmic (and on occasion ejaculate).  Mostly it’s the lack of my own personal hang ups.  Sometimes it is easier to achieve when my levels are in the normal range too.

This whole health and orgasm thread came about because I have this amazing doctor right now who listens to me when I talk with them about how I am feeing on my thyroid meds.  Sure my levels are normal range, but I still have the symptoms, so we increased the dosage just a little bit.  Over the last month and a half I have noticed a HUGE improvement.  Sex drive is the fist thing to go and the last to come back.  It’s been back in full force these last few weeks and I welcome it! I would go weeks at a time without even masturbating.  I just didn’t care to.  Now I actually want to.  And I can orgasm with when I have sex with someone.  Both the tantric kind and the physical kind.

Your state of wellness makes a huge difference in how you approach your relationships.  When you’re poly it’s not just you.  It’s you, your partner(s), their partner(s) and so on.  Cumming with one person and not with another can be a blow to the self esteem.  For anyone.  I didn’t learn different ways to orgasm for anyone but me.  I wanted to get another level of satisfaction from sex.  I enjoy sex. I really enjoy sex.  I’m not shy about that.  I don’t worry anymore about if i’ll ‘finish’.  I also don’t feel the need to lie or fake it now.  I’ll get there or I wont.  I’m just going to enjoy the ride….




Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.

There are so many thing I could say about why I haven’t posted.  No excuses.  I’ve just been avoidy.  Thats all.

I attended my very first pride, it was kind of lackluster.  Met up with this cute reporter girl.  She is the same reporter that did the doula interview with me a while ago.  Didn’t recognize her at all!  She’s bi, but has a fella (bah mono!) We’ve been hanging out a bunch too.  She even came longboarding with me this past Thursday and then went out and bought herself a board too! At the least I think we could be friends, and thats just fine with me.

I promised to talk about the cornstarch so here is a bit about it.  I have a pet.  A kinky pet.  He has been my pet for about 4?5?6? years? A long time at least.  The thing is we only see each other a few times a year.  And the longest time being 6 hours at a time.  Kind of sucks, but thats how things go sometimes.  He has some fetishes that I help him indulge in.  One of them being indentured.  So what we did (and this would have been our first time doing this one) was fill up a 120 liter rough neck garbage bin with 100lbs of cornstarch, then added water.  Voila, non-Newtonian fluid…aka quicksand.  The plan was to let it sit over night then the next day have a full day of kinky fun.

Our first night together we went shopping for some women’s clothing for him, cooked me dinner, did my dishes and then we cuddled and watched a movie.  Well mostly.  I have a foot fetish.  I love having my feet played with, touched, massaged, etc.  In certain situations, mind you.  So I was wearing shorts, and knee high socks, and he was sitting between my legs while I rubbed his shoulders and he was rubbing my legs and feet.  I know his triggers and he kind of knows mine.  Well after some wonderful kissing and more *ahem* rubbing he went for a smoke outside and then came back in all freaked out.  There was a family emergency, so he had to go back home.  The thing is he had just driven in from Calgary.  Had only been here about 6 hours and then drove back.  He was supposed to stay for about 3 days.  Fuck.  I was so excited to have a pet to play with for so long!

Texted him while he drove back to make sure everything was alright, talked with him the next day etc.  Then I had to get to the task of what to do with 100 lbs of cornstarch in my kitchen!

Took me a while but I managed to slowly empty it out into my bathtub.

This is what my tub looked like after it was all emptied out.

Once it was all in, I just *had* to test it out, of course….

The other pictures I took don’t get to go on this post *wink*  Have I mentioned my wet and messy fetish? Well it seems that mine and my pet’s fetishes have more common ground than just bondage!

Another topic I wanted to touch on was Koi’s post Putting It Out There and also the replies from Agnes and the like.  I don’t have an ideal person. It kind of goes against my poly nature.  If I wanted to look for that ideal then why would I be with all these other people? I don’t think there is one idea person.  Thats just me.  And I am totally alright with that.  I have also come to terms with my sexuality.  I like it all.  Female, Male, Trans, Etc.  I like people for their brains not their genitals.  I guess queer would be the term for me.  But I am alright with bisexual as well.  Kind of narrow but I don’t have a hate on for it any more at least.

I have been doing a lot of exploring lately too.  I have had 3 one night stands.  Knowing each guy less and less each night…and all three happening in the space of 7 days!  Go Sluthood!  Well ok, one night I didn’t sleep with the guy, but I still see it as a one night stand because I took his ass virginity.  I seem to have a knack for doing that.  Three cheers for anal play!

It was fun and I had no problem showing them the door after.  I think I started them a bit with my nonchalant-ness.  With the first one it was “I want to stay but I have to go home, but I want to stay” and I was all “stay or go, I don’t care either way, I’m tired and going to sleep”.  The next guy “I don’t think I should stay the night” (this was said at about 8am) “Ok, here’s a sock you missed, have a nice bike ride home”.  The third is my favourite though.  Him “This is going to hurt, but I can’t stay the night” Me “Ok, you know where the door is”  I just got a blank look from that one! He stayed for a couple more hours after that.

I would also like to state, for the record, that I used condoms with all of them.  They gave me a UTI, then a kidney infection in the end since they had latex in them, but a UTI/Kidney infection is better than a STI!

While all those nights were fun, and I now know I can have NSA sex (I already knew I could have NSA play, kink and other kinds) in the end it was just that.  Some fun.  Nothing more.  Oh and two of them left items of clothing at my place.  What do I do with a mens hat and socks??

Part of all this has made me realize what I *do* want though.  I don’t really want a relationship right now.  I want some kind of cuddle/fuck buddy.  Someone I can watch movies with and cuddle one night, and another night have sex and a sleep over.  Or a sleepover with no sex.  Sex isn’t that big of deal to me.  Although there should be some making out, and maybe a little sex now and then.  Maybe.

I have another post about the people in my life as per Koi’s last post about being poly single.  I think I have put so much into this post already that the relationship one should  have its own entry.


P.S on a unrelated note I have tried to start up a daily blog.  I missed a huge chunk for a while there (mostly due to illness and other factors) but if anyone wants to check it out, feel free.

That about sums it up. I am kind of blowing it with Daphne right now. I don’t even know why. I really like her – she makes me laugh, she has great taste and can recommend movies, books, art, music I might like, and hold a conversation with me about those things. She is really cute and I’m very attracted to her. She’s smart. She can hold her own in a political discussion. And yet I find myself not writing to her often enough… not jumping to make plans with her… and even hesitating when I know she is interested in having sex.

Here is the bad part: she was gone for the summer, from the beginning of July until August 7, and we didn’t really talk. We had plans for a sleepover when she got back. The day of, I changed my mind because I had been sick with a cold for ten days (unheard of for me! I haven’t had a cold at ALL in almost a year, not even a minor one!) and just couldn’t seem to kick it; and I had a trade fair that day; and I needed to  be home early the next morning anyway. I still went to her house but planned to go home afterward. We were both really tired (she is in the middle of moving, as well as having just traveled back), and we sat and watched a couple movies.

Toward the end of the second movie, around 12:30 am, when I was struggling to keep my eyes open, she excused herself to the washroom and came back with a vibrator. We had been cuddling but that was about it. She proceeded to get me off which was lovely and then… I didn’t reciprocate. Is that horrible? I was so tired, and didn’t think we were doing anything that night… and we hadn’t discussed it.

It’s not as simple as that though. I find myself hesitating when she is making advances… something just feels a bit off. It could be a few things. For one, her husband does not wish to meet nor know anything about me, so our relationship is pretty compartmentalized. She also doesn’t really want any part of our family life. All of this is fine. I’m not saying it’s wrong. But she is also too tired to hang out during the week because of her job, and so with all that combined, I find our relationship very limited. Now, I look at that and say, “That’s fine, the relationship can be what it needs to be.” But here’s the thing – I think I need a deeper connection. I’m beginning to doubt whether I can have a “friend with benefits.” I am experiencing the feelings of emptiness I used to have when I would sleep with other women, before we identified as and understood poly, before we understood that we could be happy falling in love with other people.

Here is my theory – while I love flirting, and holding hands, and cuddling with, maybe even kissing, friends and slightly-more-than-friends, I think in order to enjoy sex I need to be in love. To feel a deep connection. To be able to fully be a part of the person’s life and have them be a part of mine. With people whom I’ve not felt that connection, I have found I get a lot of pleasure out of those simpler things – the cuddling, flirting, all of that. But when it turns to sex it loses its appeal for me. However when we were with Wren, for instance, or when I was with Pat (both of whom I was in love with and with whom I felt a deep connection), I was very into the sex.

Maybe I’m more traditional than I thought?!?! 😉

I Have This….

Theory, or maybe an idea that if I just ignore things and not think about them long enough they will either happen on their own or I will get used to not having it at all.

Like sex.  I don’t think I miss it all that much.  But then again, I have rechargeable batteries, and the interwebs.  I have also set up my bed to be like a little sunggle fortress.  Take that Superman! My sunggle fortress kicks your Fortress of Solitudes ass!

But I digress.  I would be lying to say I didn’t miss a warm body.  A chest full of soft breasts or soft hair to lay my head on.  Arms to wrap around me.  An ass to grab in my half awake half sleep state of mind.  Those kinds of things.

I met someone at a friends wedding not to long ago.  I was pretty messed up that night and may have brushed off his nice (and possibly sober at the time) compliments.  I saw him again at a friends birthday party.  This time he was the intoxicated one.  I laughed as he put his arm around me and said “You’re cute, we should go out”  A few Jager bombs later he told me he thought I might be trouble and I just laughed at him again, but this time followed it up with a bit of kissing.

Here’s the thing.  I’m sure I could have taken him home, and had my (drunken) way with him.  But I didn’t.  Not for any moral reasons.  More just I didn’t feel like dealing with stuff that comes along with fucking someone.  From what I know of him, though friends and such, I get the impression a roll in the hay would have been fine and no awkwardness later.  Maybe its the poly in me that feels the need to talk everything over, or maybe I am just that much of a chick, but I don’t want to get into anything causal without first defining it as casual.

Now until I feel like I can just fuck a random without discussion of it being causal I will just avoid doing so.  But he is a cute boy… and he’s in a punk band.

Maybe if I just ignore my thoughts stuff will happen.  Or it just wont.  Until then, my batteries are fully charged and my internet connection is wonderful!