Category: sexual identity

Polyamory, at its core, is to me an opportunity to allow any relationship in my life to become what it is meant to be. Of course that is within the constraints of any relationship the other person may already have. But if I had to define poly, for what it means to me, it doesn’t come down to wanting or needing a specific number of lovers or loves. It comes down to being open to whatever may become of any new relationship that comes along.

Functionally, as an example, let’s say I have a close friend, male or female. Maybe we are new friends and just met a month or two ago, or maybe we have been friends for a few years. Suddenly we find ourselves flirting or experiencing an attraction to one another. In a poly situation, we talk openly about this attraction. It’s not assumed (as it may be in a monogamous relationship) that just because we feel an attraction, we will go on to have a romantic relationship that will include sex. It is then up to the two of us and partially any other partners in our lives to decide what will work for us. Close friends who cuddle, maybe make out? Friends who have sex once in a while for fun? Partners who are in love and may even go on to cohabitate? Something completely different or a combination of these? In my ideal poly situation (not saying that things are always ideal… like in any type of relationship or lifestyle), there is no pressure to be anything in particular. Many or hopefully all of the assumptions are dropped and what you are left with is the freedom to do what works in each individual situation. You’ve stopped painting all relationships and the possibilities therein with the same brush.

Right now, Veronica and I are figuring out exactly who we are to each other. I seem to be seeing her more, again. I hadn’t seen her in weeks… maybe a couple of months. It had been a long time. Her relationship with the other woman, the monogamous woman who was making rather unwelcome demands on Veronica’s time, didn’t allow for us to spend time together; or at least Veronica wanted some time to work it out with the other woman, and I wasn’t bothered by that.

So as Veronica related to me today, for a period of at least a few weeks, she more or less stopped seeing me and our poly friends for the sake of the other woman’s comfort. I missed her but was also going through a period where I welcomed the solitude. I think most of us go through these times, when we look within and want lots of time to relax, focus on ourselves (working out, writing, sleeping, reading), and don’t want a crowded social calendar. Hank was away for about a month and I just spent a lot of quiet nights alone, which at this point was really nice.

To be clear, Veronica did send me a detailed and really thoughtful message explaining why she had been withdrawing. We talked about it and agreed that we both feel that we will be perfectly happy to reunite after whatever period of time is needed, and that she should feel free to take some time to sort through her more complicated relationship with the other woman.

So here we are, in the position of figuring out what we are to each other. I personally love the ambiguity of it, and from the discussions we have had I believe Veronica is very comfortable with the freedom of boundaries in our relationship as well. I say that we are figuring out what we are to each other, but it is just as much a matter of not figuring it out… of letting it be whatever it needs to be at any time. I suppose the point is, when it comes down to it, shouldn’t every relationship be rooted in the moment, in now? I do think it’s important in a committed relationship to work at it, to, for instance, work on yourself and your own issues to help the relationship and keep it healthy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work at a relationship. But when it comes to a lover or someone you are dating, I do think that it’s kind of sad to fall back on assumptions or cultural expectations to decide what your relationship should look like, how often you should see each other, rules you have with one another, and so on.

So what is my relationship with Veronica in this moment, now? I refer to her as my “kind of girlfriend” or “my girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in a month.” I am in love with her and to my knowledge she is in love with me. I’m very attracted to her, and we flirt and plan to continue to sleep together. The sex is hot, and playful, and fun. That is now, and I have no desire for that to change. I feel completely okay with her having relationships with anyone else whom she pleases. I understand we may see more or less of one another depending who either of us is seeing or what is happening in our lives, and I feel fine about that too. All in all, I really like the nature of our relationship and the possibilities I see in it, and I feel really at peace about whichever direction it may take.

There is also another relationship I am starting to try to sort out, if it moves any further beyond where it is now. He is a friend I met through both the poly group and a bisexual support group one of my friends started. I’ll call him Marc. He is in a long-term, committed same-sex relationship and identifies as primarily gay but to my understanding he is looking for basically what I am looking for: someone of the opposite sex to cuddle and make out with and probably not anything sexual involving genitals. We kissed during a game of Spin the Bottle (love it!) at a friend’s party a couple weeks ago, and then made out and cuddled at a party I threw this past weekend. I couldn’t believe the smile on my face. I was so happy to be kissing him and be near him, and yet that pressure to get naked and get him inside me was not there. It was so nice. We agreed we’d both like to make out more. We have a date tomorrow night, just bubble tea and dessert and talking about what we’re looking for, I presume. And hopefully some hand holding, and then making out in the car after. Aw, he is adorable and awesome and I’m really giddy about this. It seems so unconventional at face value but makes so much sense to me.

So there, from my own life, a couple examples of what relationships could look like. That is what mine look like right now, in this moment… we will see what they are in a month, six months, a year! They may be very different but I can only hope I’ll be at least as happy then as I am now.


I watched this little video the other day.  Very interesting.  And actually really relevant to me.  I have a thyroid issue.  But not the same one as Nina Hartley (who is freaking amazing!).  No,  I have whats called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  It kind of sucks but I can keep it regulated with medication.  Hooray science!

The part that I was really able to identify with in that video was the low libido.  When my levels are off then the first thing to go is my sex drive (and it takes me longer to orgasm).  And yes, it really is the last thing to come back.

I have been dealing with this since I was pretty young.  The thyroid issues, not the orgasms.  I could always reach orgasm on my own, but not always with partners.  This could cause many issues with lovers.  That whole “did you cum?” looming over your head.  If you don’t then something is either wrong with you or with them.  In the sex race the finish line was always the orgasm.  When I was sleeping with my first lady love (at age 13ish) I always just enjoyed the fun we had.  I don’t recall if she ever came, but I know I didn’t at least not at the time.  Later on my own I would.  That was never an issue for us.  We just enjoyed the act and the feelings we did have.  It was never really an issue until I started to sleep with guys when I was 18.  My first guy – I faked it every time we had sex.  It was too quick (under 5 mins) so I never really had time to build up to it.  And I didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.  My second male lover on the other hand was able to bring me to orgasm with his mouth and hand.  That was pretty awesome for me! It wasn’t until I was 19/20 and sleeping with Laine that I had my first orgasm during sex.  It was never a requirement of sex, but it was always a nice bonus.

One thing I did notice about my orgasms were that they didn’t always feel the same during sex as they did on my own.  It wasn’t just the different intensity. Later on as I became poly and found that I really struggled to have orgasms during sex with other partners I really had to take a look at what was going on with me.  I was enjoying the sex, I enjoyed my partners, but I couldn’t just get there.  I didn’t mind, much.  I had sex for the fun and the connection it brought.

First step was to get my levels checked.  I knew that if they were low then everything else went downhill.

Second step was to get over my shyness.  Sometimes all we need is a lack of inhibition in the bed room.  Let my partner explore my body.  Be comfortable in my own skin.  Have sex for the sake of sex not for any other reason (that one was pretty easy to do).

Third step was to have my own orgasms.  What pressure do I like? What feels good to me? How hard/fast. To the left/right or direct stimulation.

Fourth step was to accept that I can’t always get there and not make it a big deal if I do or don’t.

As I get older all this became simpler. I have less hang ups about sex now than I did 5 years ago, and even less than 10 years ago.

Another thing I have learned about over the years is trantric.  I want to be clear here, I don’t have trantric sex.  I just take some ideas and practices into thought.  I can now orgasm without a strong physical response.  It’s just as good, and can be just as strong as a physical orgasm, but I don’t need the same stimulation.  I started learning about these kinds many years ago.  I’m really glad that I did.  They really take the stress off!

As I get older and more and more comfortable in my own body I have found I can also be multi-orgasmic (and on occasion ejaculate).  Mostly it’s the lack of my own personal hang ups.  Sometimes it is easier to achieve when my levels are in the normal range too.

This whole health and orgasm thread came about because I have this amazing doctor right now who listens to me when I talk with them about how I am feeing on my thyroid meds.  Sure my levels are normal range, but I still have the symptoms, so we increased the dosage just a little bit.  Over the last month and a half I have noticed a HUGE improvement.  Sex drive is the fist thing to go and the last to come back.  It’s been back in full force these last few weeks and I welcome it! I would go weeks at a time without even masturbating.  I just didn’t care to.  Now I actually want to.  And I can orgasm with when I have sex with someone.  Both the tantric kind and the physical kind.

Your state of wellness makes a huge difference in how you approach your relationships.  When you’re poly it’s not just you.  It’s you, your partner(s), their partner(s) and so on.  Cumming with one person and not with another can be a blow to the self esteem.  For anyone.  I didn’t learn different ways to orgasm for anyone but me.  I wanted to get another level of satisfaction from sex.  I enjoy sex. I really enjoy sex.  I’m not shy about that.  I don’t worry anymore about if i’ll ‘finish’.  I also don’t feel the need to lie or fake it now.  I’ll get there or I wont.  I’m just going to enjoy the ride….



There are so many thing I could say about why I haven’t posted.  No excuses.  I’ve just been avoidy.  Thats all.

I attended my very first pride, it was kind of lackluster.  Met up with this cute reporter girl.  She is the same reporter that did the doula interview with me a while ago.  Didn’t recognize her at all!  She’s bi, but has a fella (bah mono!) We’ve been hanging out a bunch too.  She even came longboarding with me this past Thursday and then went out and bought herself a board too! At the least I think we could be friends, and thats just fine with me.

I promised to talk about the cornstarch so here is a bit about it.  I have a pet.  A kinky pet.  He has been my pet for about 4?5?6? years? A long time at least.  The thing is we only see each other a few times a year.  And the longest time being 6 hours at a time.  Kind of sucks, but thats how things go sometimes.  He has some fetishes that I help him indulge in.  One of them being indentured.  So what we did (and this would have been our first time doing this one) was fill up a 120 liter rough neck garbage bin with 100lbs of cornstarch, then added water.  Voila, non-Newtonian fluid…aka quicksand.  The plan was to let it sit over night then the next day have a full day of kinky fun.

Our first night together we went shopping for some women’s clothing for him, cooked me dinner, did my dishes and then we cuddled and watched a movie.  Well mostly.  I have a foot fetish.  I love having my feet played with, touched, massaged, etc.  In certain situations, mind you.  So I was wearing shorts, and knee high socks, and he was sitting between my legs while I rubbed his shoulders and he was rubbing my legs and feet.  I know his triggers and he kind of knows mine.  Well after some wonderful kissing and more *ahem* rubbing he went for a smoke outside and then came back in all freaked out.  There was a family emergency, so he had to go back home.  The thing is he had just driven in from Calgary.  Had only been here about 6 hours and then drove back.  He was supposed to stay for about 3 days.  Fuck.  I was so excited to have a pet to play with for so long!

Texted him while he drove back to make sure everything was alright, talked with him the next day etc.  Then I had to get to the task of what to do with 100 lbs of cornstarch in my kitchen!

Took me a while but I managed to slowly empty it out into my bathtub.

This is what my tub looked like after it was all emptied out.

Once it was all in, I just *had* to test it out, of course….

The other pictures I took don’t get to go on this post *wink*  Have I mentioned my wet and messy fetish? Well it seems that mine and my pet’s fetishes have more common ground than just bondage!

Another topic I wanted to touch on was Koi’s post Putting It Out There and also the replies from Agnes and the like.  I don’t have an ideal person. It kind of goes against my poly nature.  If I wanted to look for that ideal then why would I be with all these other people? I don’t think there is one idea person.  Thats just me.  And I am totally alright with that.  I have also come to terms with my sexuality.  I like it all.  Female, Male, Trans, Etc.  I like people for their brains not their genitals.  I guess queer would be the term for me.  But I am alright with bisexual as well.  Kind of narrow but I don’t have a hate on for it any more at least.

I have been doing a lot of exploring lately too.  I have had 3 one night stands.  Knowing each guy less and less each night…and all three happening in the space of 7 days!  Go Sluthood!  Well ok, one night I didn’t sleep with the guy, but I still see it as a one night stand because I took his ass virginity.  I seem to have a knack for doing that.  Three cheers for anal play!

It was fun and I had no problem showing them the door after.  I think I started them a bit with my nonchalant-ness.  With the first one it was “I want to stay but I have to go home, but I want to stay” and I was all “stay or go, I don’t care either way, I’m tired and going to sleep”.  The next guy “I don’t think I should stay the night” (this was said at about 8am) “Ok, here’s a sock you missed, have a nice bike ride home”.  The third is my favourite though.  Him “This is going to hurt, but I can’t stay the night” Me “Ok, you know where the door is”  I just got a blank look from that one! He stayed for a couple more hours after that.

I would also like to state, for the record, that I used condoms with all of them.  They gave me a UTI, then a kidney infection in the end since they had latex in them, but a UTI/Kidney infection is better than a STI!

While all those nights were fun, and I now know I can have NSA sex (I already knew I could have NSA play, kink and other kinds) in the end it was just that.  Some fun.  Nothing more.  Oh and two of them left items of clothing at my place.  What do I do with a mens hat and socks??

Part of all this has made me realize what I *do* want though.  I don’t really want a relationship right now.  I want some kind of cuddle/fuck buddy.  Someone I can watch movies with and cuddle one night, and another night have sex and a sleep over.  Or a sleepover with no sex.  Sex isn’t that big of deal to me.  Although there should be some making out, and maybe a little sex now and then.  Maybe.

I have another post about the people in my life as per Koi’s last post about being poly single.  I think I have put so much into this post already that the relationship one should  have its own entry.


P.S on a unrelated note I have tried to start up a daily blog.  I missed a huge chunk for a while there (mostly due to illness and other factors) but if anyone wants to check it out, feel free.

Tonight I went a bit out of town to a little house in the valley.  The people who invited me had some dogs, cats, and chickens.  The lifestyle they live is so simple and beautiful.  The group of us sit around a fire and just talked for hours.  I was able to be myself, and not hide anything.

I first met them by going to a party with Chris where there were other trans and alt type (gender and sexuality) people there.  One of them is also full of information about great jobs out here that I would LOVE to do!

There was also an adorable little 5 y/o that I got to read to and listen to them talk about the chickens and the cats and school.  I really like kids, but I really don’t feel the need to have my own.

Every week I am here I feel more and more at home.  I love seeing the stars at night especially.  My favourite is to walk home from my uncles and just watch the stars.  Or the sun come up after a wicked Kootenay party!

On another note I seem to be having a lot of straight urges.  It started with a craving to preform oral.  On any gender really.  But now I am really wanting some penis in vagina action.  Not feeling it *for* anyone, just in general.  It kind of blind sided me!  One day I’m settling in for some girl on girl porn action and my brain (and pussy) goes NAH! All I could think about was cock.  Normally I do without, and not miss it really.  Just now I seem to crave it.  Has it really been that long???

Oh well.

I am still digging my celibacy thing too.  Sometimes it’s maintained by choice and sometimes by circumstance, regardless it is working for me right now.  Other than these straight urges!


As promised here is an update about the happenings in Nelson 🙂

I am working a lame job, I have joined the blue vest cult.  Sadly after 31 resumes they were one of two that called me back, and the only one that hired me.

I didn’t get into school for Midwifery, so now I am going to try to get there through the nursing route.  There is a great nursing program at the college here, and you do your last bit though University of Victoria, and get to do a month in Guatemala!!! Tomorrow I will call to talk with a counselor and see if I really need to do any upgrading *boo* Hopefully my massage degree will let me get away without having to do grades 11 and 12 biology and chemistry!  I am pretty sure I have my grade 11 bio, but thats about it.

I am going to get involved with pride here “Nelson’s shortest parade” as I have been told, but I really want to be involved with the community here.  And this will be my very first pride! I’m such a bad gay.

I met this really awesome person here.  She is…well… fascinating.  At least I think so.  There is so much to her that just makes me go “wow” so much.  She has asked to be called Chris on here.   She is MTF, and is butch.  She was only here for a bit, doing a metal working class.  She has moved away to another city to do film stuff, and then maybe off to Japan later (jealous!!!)  Of course it took me way to long to tell her that I was interested, and due to my stupid shyness at one point lead her to believe that I wasn’t into her by not replying after she told me she thought I was cute.  Instead I giggled, blushed, and dropped lasagna down my shirt.  Luckily we did have a chat about all that later.  We had two weeks left and I wanted to make the most of it.  Sex wasn’t really an option, due to some personal matters on her part, and that was just fine by me.  I just really wanted to hang out with my friend who I also wanted to make out with…a lot *grin*

We did have this one really fun night where she pinned me down and bit me all over my chest, arms, neck, and tummy.  I was left with most amazing bruises the next day and for almost two full weeks after that!  Oh, and I came from just her bitting me.  That was a new one!  Other than that one night we didn’t really do much sexually.  We would kiss now and then, and hold hands, go for walks.  I went to a going away party for her and to another party where I met some really cool people (one of them sent me a job posting for a job that sounds right up my alley), and just had a nice time with her.  I miss her.  I miss her company really.  We had a picnic by the waterfall one time and just talked.  I really enjoyed that time with her.  She said she might be back next summer for a couple months again, but thats further away than I would like to think about.  At least there is email.

I’ve had some out of town guests as well.  First there was Kid Genius.  There is so much I could say about him, but I will try to keep it simple.  We dated last year, until I found out via FB that he was seeing someone else without my knowledge.  We kind of broke up, but not really I guess.  Then broke up for good at the end of the summer.  We’ve maintained a friendship since then.  He came out for a visit and shit blew up.  It was a bad weekend, starting with finding out he had lied about his relationship status.  Then ending with a huge (drunken) fight and him walking out of my apartment around 230 am to walk to the bus depot.  Other than a text from him saying he got on the bus and he was sorry for what happened and I deserved better than how he had treated me.  And me sending an email to him about a week later saying I was glad he made it safely back I haven’t spoken to him.  I haven’t even gone online just because I think he has unblocked me and I really don’t want to talk to him.  Thats the simple version.

The wonderful and amazing and funny Ms Jinxx came out for a visit as well.  She left last night.  We had such a fun time! We bought matching dresses (her’s was pink, mine was green) for my friends wedding.  Watched Frisky Dingo and many many movies and other shows. Just a overall fun time.  I am so super glad we are friends.  I think my best memory of the whole thing was her learning to play the bag pipes from a fellow wedding/party goer.  Oh that and watching Frisky Dingo!  Despite her love of Lady Gaga I still love her company.  We talked about her moving out here with her lovely fella.  We’ll see what happens when she has sometime to talk him and figure stuff out.  It would be cool if she did move out here, and got a big ol’place and I could have cheap rent, and live with friends.

I have met some other cool poly people, but not much of an update there right now.

I am really just enjoying the time to myself to enjoy the space and the eye candy.  Its a nice change to just be Ivy and not feel like I have to be a certain way.  I can just be free and relax and let go.  I almost kind of came out at work the other day…that was funny.

I am focusing on my career path and trying to figure out what my next step or next move is.  I have kind of been keeping quite about stuff, but thats only because I needed some time to sort my feelings out.  After Kid Genius I was angry from him calling me names.  At the same time, I was relived to finally have said all the things I have wanted to say to him.  Now he knows that just because someone is married and poly, its NOT alright just go and fuck someone else.  And I know I wont ever settle again.   Took me long enough to learn that lesson, huh?!


Queer Board Game Night

So last night I attended a queer game night. I was invited by someone I had met on OKC. We’d been talking off and on since February. I let her know that I had finally moved to town and we started to talk about meeting up and she invited me to the games night.

It was effing amazing! I played gin rummy with a deck of cards that were called The Dyke Deck. I will throw up the picture of it soon. instead of hearts and spades etc or kings and queens it was all different symbols. The person who brought it explained that they had had the deck for about 12 years and it was finally coming out of the closet!

I sat at the card table and there was also a boggle table. After the games we just kind of sat around and talked. About our lives, our struggles, our identities and so on. The ages ranged from 19 to 70’s. From transgendered/transitioning to androgynous and everything in between.

I learned a bit about the Nelson pride scene and how accepting the city is about queer and trans issues! I’m really excited to get to know more of these people and get more involved too!!!

There were two people there I found rather attractive. Too bad one was the 19 year old and the other is moving away soon! Oh well!

As for an update on the job front for me … Well I’m still doing child care till the end of the month. June 1st I start at walmart. Not my dream job, but it will pay the rent! And I will find out by May 26th if I have an interview for the midwifery program!! FINALLY!!! I just want to find stuff out, one way or another!!

So I am so very behind on posting. The move out went well, and I have settled into my new place quite nicely. The weather has been AMAZING!! A bit of rain when I first came out, but that’s BC for ya.

I haven’t found steady work yet, but am doing some childcare this week for a 7 y/o and sometimes a 9 y/o. Starting with picking them up from school! The girl (Anna who is 7) is in kindergarten so I pick her up at 11 m-th and friday I have her from 8am and walk her brother (Matt) up to school. This is my first week, and let me tell you, walking straight uphill for about 10 blocks in very hot weather is not fun! I try to stop before the school to avoid looking all sweaty and creepy!

Last week Matt had chicken pox and now Anna is showing signs of getting them too. Oh boy!

I’m sure everyone wanted to hear about my job situation!

As for my poly life …well….the guy I met a few months back, who was in a relationship is now single. Horray? Not really. Everyone wants him! He is doing kind of what I am doing and going the gay route. I saw him at a friends birthday last week and one girl there was alllll over him and she told him that she had always been interested in him and he, very gently, turned her down. Even though I have it on very good authority that he once said “if he hadn’t been in a relationship when we met he would be with me”. But that was a couple months ago.

I don’t even know if I would want a relationship with him. I can sense his change though too. We get along so well because we are so similar and share the same practice model when it comes to work. We’re such hippy energy types *grin*

Although, as I told Laine, I can’t have sex till I can buy condoms. Thanks to my latex allergy I can only find expensive non latex condoms. Well I haven’t looked around here but still not a high priority right now!

Can’t say much else is going on right now though. I’m enjoying the solitude and all the shows i’ve attended! (Colleen Brown, dub step, acoustic, alllll kinds).

I feel like I’m home. Even though I first moved here 20 years ago, I feel like this is right where I am supposed to be. For now at least!


Hairy Men

What the what? I was at the fruit market today and there was this cute hippie couple there. The girl said to the guy, “That hat really looks great,” and when I kind of smiled at the comment she explained, “It’s a Value Village find.” Then we talked a little about thrift shop scores. Anyway, the guy had reddish hair and a beard… and I’ve noticed lately that I’m attracted to a lot of guys who look this way! Not exclusively by any means, but it’s noteworthy because I’ve always hated facial hair on guys. I’ve always liked redheads… but never with beards. What gives? I blame this on hormones. Haha the funny thing is, I don’t like dark-haired guys with beards… just fair-haired guys. Undecided on whether the facial hair makes a difference on guys of different ethnicities. Maybe I am craving a Viking.

Poly Single

I don’t know if I’ve ever been as poly single as I am now. Okay okay. I guess that’s not right; during the time I was pregnant, and the two years after I had Satsuki, I had no interest in dating anyone, nor in having sex with Hank for that matter. But other than that, it seems like I have always had a friend I was sleeping with, someone to flirt with, someone to fantasize about, and right now, I feel like I’ve got no prospects, even. I don’t mean for this post to end up depressing or anything, it’s just an update on where I’m at, and maybe if I outline what’s going on I’ll have some ideas of where to go from here.
First of all, no, I don’t *need* any one person or relationship to complete me. I am a complete and very happy person on my own. I would miss Hank horribly if anything ever happened to him, and yes a part of me would be broken forever but I would still be me. I don’t believe in ever seeking out relationships to fill a hole within yourself. To keep myself busy and enrich my mind and body I have a ton of hobbies, friends and business commitments. I own two businesses, one freelance and one brick and mortar, and I am very, very passionate about both. We homeschool Satsuki. I write a lot; writing was always my first love. I have a large organic garden, I hula hoop (going to start attending open hula hoop practice in the park), I rollerskate (going to invest in some outdoor wheels for the summer), I jog (just completing the Couch-to-5K), I read a ton of nonfiction on whatever topic I’m currently obsessed with, I video chat on the online community I’m part of, I try to get out dancing often and I spend a lot of face time with close friends. It’s not like I feel some gaping hole in my life. I’m busy, I’m happy, I learn every day and I love my life very much. Looking for another person or other people to share my life with is not about filling a gap.
However, I am still looking. For one thing, I *love* being with a woman. I love everything about it. I’m talking sex and love here. I really love feminine energy and I love the female body. I could happily lie naked with a woman for the rest of my life and never need anything more. I would really love to have a woman in my life with whom I could share a deep romantic connection and whom I also find very sexy. While for now I am looking to date and meet a bunch of new people, my eventual hope is to find a long-term girlfriend with whom I can share a long, meaningful, committed (though still open/poly) relationship. Perhaps she could even live with us someday, who knows – it depends on her situation.
For another thing, we only learned about the term polyamory plus it’s accompanying community, and all the ideas behind it (I’m talking about much of the emotional maturity and self-exploration that are discussed in The Ethical Slut) a little over a year ago when we unwittingly entered into our triad. Before that we mostly thought, like a lot of other people, that while we could navigate sex with others, the love bit would be trouble. Then we learned… it’s not. Not necessarily. Yes sometimes, as anything involving strong emotions can be, but not necessarily any more so. So over the past year as I have read, and talked, and discussed, and researched, the possibilities have become apparent to me and I’ve seen other couples living lives that I really admire and wish to emulate in some ways. Lives where they are free to explore their feelings for others with openness, honesty, and the maturity to own their own feelings and not place blame on others. Lives where people do the internal work they need to, realizing that they create their own realities and can’t go on expecting others to improve their situation or save them from themselves. Authentic lives in which the participants take responsibility for their own happiness. In short, a lifestyle that makes so much sense I now can’t imagine why anyone would live any other way.
(*Disclaimer – the above statement is not actually true. I know a ton of reasons why most people would choose to live monogamously. And I know poly is not going to be the way the majority of humans live in the near future. However, when examined logically, if people are willing to own their emotions and take responsibility for their happiness, I think many, many people, if not the majority, would be happier poly. But then I’m kind of a utopian, so…)
So in learning and thinking about poly over the past year, and realizing the potential for what Hank’s and my life *could* look like, I’ve become really hopeful and excited. And I’ve learned a couple of really hard lessons over the course of the year. The thing is, I *learned* them, I assimilated them and now I feel ready to live them.

At this point, as I mentioned, I am looking for a girl. The funny thing is, I am finding myself just as attracted to men as to women, which is quite foreign and new to me. I haven’t felt this way for over ten years. For a very long time I’ve identified as more gay than straight, and now I’m starting to doubt that. I imagine it’s a phase, but at the moment for some reason I am feeling this attraction to men. Only, I have no idea, as mentioned before, what I would want from a man. Nonetheless I feel the attraction, and Hank wants me to date a guy (of his liking), so I imagine I’ll be exploring that to try to figure out whether it has some place in my life. Honestly at this point I think it would be fun to go on dates with a guy, and maybe make out. I’m sure I could get into sex with another man but it’s not exactly at the top of my priority list right now. As it stands I am not going out looking for men and even if I do meet one I’m attracted to that meets my requirements (married or coupled, poly <and not new!>, whose wife is either straight or not attractive to me, BUT with whose wife I get along well on a friend level… sigh.), I would want to take it slowly and not just hop into bed (or love) with him.

So here stands Agnes, scanning the horizon for girls. (And with that, Jane Siberry’s Mimi on the Beach is now stuck in my head… yeah that’s a good thing… “I scan the horiiiiiizon for you Mimi; I scaaaan for the both of us…” man I need to go download that, I only have it on tape!) I’ve got a profile on several lesbian or poly-friendly dating sites, I’m making new friends, we’re organizing these poly pub nights, and I’ve looked on Suicide Girls (for members… not Suicide Girls… although they’re also nice…). I’m going hula hooping in the park this Sunday – every Sunday while the weather is nice, the local hoopers meet there by open invite and you can take the opportunity to learn from more experienced hoopers. Hula hoopers – now there’s a market I’d like to shop. I have been on a couple of dates and have made contact with a couple more people online, though a couple of times double-booking has worked against us.

I’m not sure what else to say. I vowed not to date within my circle of friends anymore, not that there is anyone I would have been chasing after within that group. I spend some time chatting and there are a few people on the site where I chat whom I really like, but they’re spread from Texas to Portland to New Jersey, and I don’t travel much, so that’s not really getting me the cuddles I crave. I’ll keep you posted though. I have a whole day to myself this Saturday and I’m trying to find someone to hang out with, then Ivy’s going away party on Saturday night (meeting more new people, yay!), then hula hooping on Sunday afternoon, so needless to say I’m hoping for some progress this weekend.

For years, and years… and years, Hank’s and my relationship worked this way: I could date girls. If those girls ended up in bed with Hank and me, that was great. But Hank could not go out and date other girls on his own. And I could not date men. He would joke about dating other women and I would joke that since I could see other women, he was free to see other men. Being straight, he didn’t take me up on that. Haha. All those years, the most interest I ever had in other guys was the odd crush here or there. I found it fun to flirt but very rarely wished I could do anything with any guy, even kiss. There was once or twice nearing the time we got married nearly six years ago, after four years of marriage, when I did do something with guys, cheated… and regretted it horribly. Was I attracted to those guys? Absolutely. But it was a rare thing, and also not something I wanted to repeat after those incidents by any means.

When I had Satsuki four years ago and was not interested in sex for about two years altogether, I ended up telling Hank he could go ahead and get a mistress. It was kind of a joke between the two of us but I also partially hoped he would find someone to have sex with as I knew it would put him in a better mood. He never did take me up on that but when we got together with Wren it was a new experience for him to go be with another woman, Wren, without me present. It took a bit of getting used to, mainly for him, but we found that we were both totally fine with it and so the set-up since then has been that he is free to date other women.

As for my attraction to men – of course I notice when flirting could possibly be more, or when there is chemistry between me and another person. But I always knew that there was no possibility for me to be with other men so I completely shut off that part of my brain and heart. The same with women who were unavailable – I don’t go there in my mind. Things changed last fall with the Pat and Lisa situation. All of a sudden Pat’s wife Lisa, with whom I was tenuously involved, and my husband Hank were suggesting maybe Pat and I should be together, if only in a threesome situation with Lisa. I won’t go into the details of the situation, but basically over a short period I allowed myself to consider the possibility, as I had never given Pat even a second look before that, and then as we familiarized ourselves with each other, through that door I had opened came an overwhelming flood of emotion and attraction. Things basically went to shit, rollercoaster-style, and I was definitely left wishing I had never opened that door.

However, once I’d had that experience, I found myself doing some very deep soul searching, as did Hank. He had never been able to consider me being with another man, and for Pat he made an exception after much long, painful and difficult consideration and conversation. I, meanwhile, had come to recognize a need within myself that I hadn’t known was there – not only had I experienced what I did with Pat, but I had been chatting online with a couple of other men and was definitely noticing that I seemed to be craving, to my surprise, male energy in my life. After some conversation with fellow poly folk, I decided to broach the topic with Hank and ask if he might ever consider the possibility of me being with the right guy, a guy on whom we would both agree, whom we both really liked and with whom we both got along really well and felt safe and comfortable. He considered. Very soon he came back to me with the answer: he would definitely consider it, no problem, no big deal, he just didn’t want me going out and actively searching nor dating a bunch of guys. I understood what he meant – he didn’t want a bunch of guys on my plate, or single guys who would expect too much of my time or love or energy, or for me to put much time into searching for a guy; however, if I met a guy in whom I was interested and we all felt it was right, he would be totally open to the possibility. Luckily my desires matched up with this perfectly.

I have identified for years (ten or more) as mostly gay – I say 80%, meaning that I’m attracted to women much more often than I am to men. I’ve given this a lot of thought, how I identify, wondering the whole time if it even matters. I don’t think it does much, since I think it matters more what there is between you and that other person in the relationship; however I think it is useful to know what you like, what you want, and what your expectations are, so that you can be clear with the people who enter your life. So, I thought about it. And I was listening to the queer-positive sex show on local university radio a while ago, and how the host described it was that bi people tend to identify toward the gender they are more likely to want a romantic relationship with. So, I considered that specifically. At this point in my life, especially after the wonderful experience I had with Wren last year, I want a romantic relationship with a woman, for sure. Romantic love, the super intense kind anyway (which I guess might just be lust or infatuation…), is not what I am looking for from a man other than Hank. Hank and I have a super intense romantic love already and I feel like that is enough super intense romantic hetero love for me, at least for now. But I definitely do crave that type of love with a woman. I soooo enjoyed having that with Wren and that is something I would welcome into my life again in a heartbeat. I just do not want to be in a triad with Hank again right now, not with a woman who would leave if things between him and her ended, anyway. If Wren could have not been scared away by Hank’s distance and still let me be with her, it would have actually been fine with me, anyway. That did not work for Wren and I’m not sure how, going in, you know whether someone will stay or go in that situation. So, for that reason, I would much prefer to stick to a girlfriend for me. Although if she ended up in bed with Hank and me at some point, that would be fine. I just don’t want things to be as much between all three of us at once, like they were with Wren.

Meanwhile, I cannot for the life of me figure out what I would want from a guy. Am I craving sex with another male? Not really. That leaves a lot of ground, but which part of it I want to cover, I really don’t know. I know I feel attracted to men sometimes, and I understand that being together, we would most likely end up having or wanting to have sex, and that would be great, but it’s definitely not the key thing I’m looking for. Do I need to be looking for anything in particular? Could I just be wanting the freedom to explore relationships with any other person, as they come up? If I don’t know *why* I want to be with another man, should I not bother even going there? And shouldn’t I kind of know going into the relationship, what I expect from the guy? I feel like it’s unfair to the guy if I can’t be clear going in what I do and do not expect. But how am I supposed to figure those things out without dating a guy? I have figured out a few things, for sure, from being with Pat, and now from this hiccup with feeling attracted to Man, but not much really… it feels like a no-win situation – date a guy and end up hurting him because I have no idea what I want, or don’t date guys because I might hurt them….

I had hoped writing this would help me clear it up for myself, but I definitely don’t feel any clearer on the topic….

(edited because I forgot to mention that Hank can date women, and I also noticed a typo 🙂 )