Latest Entries »

Blogs… (Koi)

Agnes posted something about having someone read our blog that was asked not to, and this certainly isn’t the first time this has happened. It is a difficult line to walk in telling someone we are with or know, that we are writing a blog… and asking their permission to post/what name they wish to use…. and then also asking for the privacy to explore our feelings on it without them witnessing it… so one sided. Or in another situation, someone’s partner finding about the website and reading it themselves.

 

So, Blog readers, We know you are out there… and would love to know you better. If you blog, we would love the link so we can learn more about you…. and who reads this. Or… if your don’t blog, but have a favorite, please share it! Let’s narrow the gap between us.

Advertisements

(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.

Watching a Train Wreck From a Tree

I find it interesting that you can read about my life in such detail against my wishes, when I know nothing at all about yours. Sometimes I wonder how you feel about this.

Tomorrow evening I get to meet Veronica’s male partner. Her primary, you might say. Koi wants to meet Kalena, and Veronica, so Koi is coming along, and so are Kalena and Hank. And Hank wants to meet Veronica’s partner. Poor guy is the only one going in knowing only one person, his partner. I have met everyone but him. Hank has met everyone but him. Everyone else is meeting new people, multiple new people. What a constellation, sitting around the table at the Indian restaurant. Plus Satsuki!

“Who’s who to whom here?”

“Uh well… where to start…”

Meanwhile Veronica is warning that her partner has a bit of an awful sense of humour, like Hank does, so she wants to sit somewhere where she can kick him if needed… but also touch me. I told her to sit beside one of us and across from the other. Either configuration would allow her to do what she needs and wants to. Where does Hank sit? Kalena? I feel like I need to draw up a seating chart before we arrive…

What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,

~Ivy

Sorry for the delay in posting an update. I’m sure you’re all wondering how things are going with the new girl I’m seeing. Since, you know, I’m pretty sure you’re all out there waiting on the edges of your seats wondering how I’m doing and whether I’m getting any.

Well, you’re in luck! I haven’t had much time to post lately because I’ve been spending my time becoming completely enamoured with Veronica, as she has chosen to be called. That and being sick, horribly sick. A bad cold, with a stomach bug on top of it. Nice. Veronica, luckily, has been a sweetheart, and got naked with my poor sick self a couple of weeks ago. Oh. My. God. I have not had sex that hot with a woman for… well, a very long time. Especially not first-time sex. Not to make it sound like I’m sleeping with just anyone, but I’ve dated a few girls over the past year and have had a few first times and have come to expect them to be a bit awkward. I’m fine with that and have got my head around navigating the awkwardness. Nothing horrible, just, you know, not knowing what the other person likes, feeling a bit shy about voicing your own needs, feeling insecure about not pleasing the other person. Except, this time, there was none of this. It was just really, really hot. We seemed to fit really well. Everything flowed naturally, I know for sure that we were both more than pleased, and I almost instantly felt that I would be comfortable trying almost anything with her. In fact I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about all the fun things we could try together.

The night before Halloween she slept over, and early on in the night a stomach bug hit me really suddenly and caused me to literally lose my lunch. All of it. So sudden! Veronica insisted on staying with me, even though I was embarrassed for her to see me such a mess. She didn’t want to leave me alone since Hank was at Kalena’s that night (oh BTW, Kalena is in town for the month as she has a month off work and this is kind of a trial period for all of us, to see if this situation could be workable long term… more on that in a second). So, Veronica (I may be apt to call her Ronnie now and then, if she doesn’t hate it too much… just shorter) slept by my feverish, in turns moaning and heaving self all night, and kissed me on the forehead and was just generally completely sweet. Yes, it was embarrassing… but in the end I was really glad to have had her there.

Now we are both healthy (she has been undergoing dental work that has been an ongoing mess). We spent the night together on Friday night and after a lot of fun, spooned the whole night. I can’t remember the last time I actually slept the whole night cuddled up to someone else. I woke up in her arms and felt very, very comfortable there. I’m really enjoying getting to know her – we have tons in common and I respect her in so many ways – and I definitely can’t wait to spend more time with her, both clothed and unclothed.

The situation with Kalena is interesting. A lot of it comes down to scheduling. She feels that it would be most fair if she spends half Hank’s time with him. I feel that because we have a family, and I have a ten-year established relationship with him, that that is not necessarily true. I don’t think half and half is “fair,” I think it’s something you work out in your particular situation. Hank and I are very “go with the flow” kind of people and as it has been going so far, Kalena has been seeing him about half the time. Generally when she asks if they can hang out on a certain night, the answer is yes. Generally, when Hank and I look at our calendars we are looking for when we work, when Satsuki has commitments (birthday parties, homeschooling classes, that sort of thing), and how we need to arrange our days because of those things, and ALL remaining available times get sent to Kalena to choose from. No different from a single/single relationship, right? You get together when your lives allow? Anyway, she always chooses to take all those times, and still she is never happy. Every time Hank and I have a night together, he spends most of it on his phone texting back and forth with her about whatever her latest grievance is. If he tells her at the beginning of the night that we are on a date and he won’t be in contact, by the end of the night she is emailing him telling him she can’t do it and he isn’t paying any attention to her. I don’t know what to do anymore! Each time we have a new round of scheduling I try so hard to offer everything I possibly can and I feel like surely this time, she’ll be happy, and every time something is wrong and she is pissed off, or hurt. She says we need to try to see her side of things. Hank asked her what more she would like us to do and she didn’t answer. I have gone from scared, to confused, to frustrated to just plain angry.

To be totally honest this is not what I ever envisioned for our relationship. Whenever we have discussed scheduling in the past it has generally ended up that we would be hanging out with our girlfriend/boyfriend 1-2 times per week maximum, maybe one sleepover per week. I guess we should have written down explicit expectations and made those really upfront with new people but like I said, we generally go with the flow and usually things work out. I have never had any desire to spend more than a night or two per week away from Hank, and in fact in the spring when we talked about me dating men he very clearly told me that he did NOT ever want me dating single guys because they would be too intense and want all my time. I agreed that I didn’t want anyone who would want to monopolize all my time, or move too fast, or any of that. I do want to fall in love, and I do want to spend time with one person consistently, but I don’t want someone who is equal to Hank, time wise. Equal in love, sure. That doesn’t bother me. Not to say that Hank should want exactly what I do, but I just… I never expected this.

A lot of fears have come out for me through this process. They are natural and mostly illogical and mainly for me to process. One big one is that Hank will leave me, or our marriage won’t be able to take the stress of him and Kalena constantly breaking up and getting back together and fighting and making up and blah blah blah, and I’ll lose him because I was dumb enough to suggest it would be fine if he got a girlfriend. (*Note: that’s not what I think. That is the voices of everyone I know speaking all at once really, really loudly in my head behind my back: “Did you hear Hank left Agnes for another woman?” “Yeah, it’s her own fault, she told him to get a girlfriend. It was bound to happen. What did she expect?”) Gaaaaahhhhhh.

In other news… Koi is back in town. Looking forward to hanging out with her again. My condolences go out to her family at this time and my love as I know she has a lot to work through. Also, I signed up for a 5K at the end of the year. I am now training for that. And, things have taken a turn for the better at work and gotten a lot less stressful! It is really looking up there. Scheduling was a major issue, but that has passed, and now it is simply a constant point of contention in my personal life.

Love to you all. I have mainly been having an awesome November so far and feel like good things are in store for all of us. I’ll keep you posted as I continue to see Veronica. Hot, hot, sweet, sweet Veronica.

Pretty thoughts

I saw her again last night. I’ll ask her on Friday what “her” name should be on here. So we went on the first date on Friday, and chatted a little over the weekend. She came over last night (Tuesday) while Hank was out with friends. She’s been having a lot of dental work done this week and was tired from not sleeping the night before, but at least not in pain since the dentist had killed the root that morning. We drank a little wine and talked for a few more hours. The closest we got to one another was our feet by each other’s butts and legs resting again one another, sitting up on the couch, which was nice. I kept getting distracted though by the bit of bra strap I could see just under her collar. Why am I such a chicken? She definitely wants to make a move, or wants me to make a move – either way, it’s come across quite clearly. I didn’t even kiss her (or hug her!) good night. Sometimes I kick myself, really. We are having brunch on Friday though. We discussed possible locations and agreed that making out in restaurants is a tad rude and that we’d be stuck playing footsie, and then she suggested we grab some treats at a really great bakery near her house then walk back to her place and hang out with her dog. Please wish me the best of luck in kissing her on Friday morning. She is so sweet and I keep having these flashes of dirty thoughts about her. Her profile question answers regarding sex on the dating site don’t help. We’re similar on a number of points… and these keep coming to mind.

She has adorably tiny feet. Who has feet that small?!

Off to think some more about how I wish Friday morning might go…

About that date last night.

The woman I went out last night had contacted me on the dating site, and had no profile. Well she has a profile but she hasn’t filled in any of the essay portions nor does it include any photos. So she contacted me with kind of a mini-profile in the form of a message, explaining what she feels we have in common and what her interests are. It was cute because I was super busy that week and hadn’t checked my messages, so a day or two after she sent the first message she sent another apologizing for the randomness and also for not have a profile or photo. Anyway, we chatted a bit and decided almost right away that we may as well just meet and see how it goes.

It took a week or two but we found a date and time and agreed to meet fairly late on a Friday night after I was done at a karma yoga class (a yoga class where students pay by donation and the teacher donates their time so the money can go to charity). We chose a pizza and wine bar that it turned out we had both been wanting to try – one of our shared interests is wine.

I took a change of clothes with me to the class and did my makeup beforehand – I don’t wear much so I felt like it would be fine through a yoga class. When I drove up to the studio the sign read Hot Yoga. Oops. I somehow missed that the class I was attending was bikram. I’ve been wanting to try a bikram class for a while now but I wasn’t prepared for this one – I hadn’t brought a towel, I was wearing non-waterproof mascara and black powdered eyeliner, and I was dressed in a kind of heavy yoga tank and cotton drawstring capris. True to bikram practice, within minutes sweat was pouring off me and dripping onto my mat. In our reclined poses I could feel it running through my hair down to the back of my neck. I spent much of the class praying I wouldn’t stink for this date and would instead have a post-workout glow.

After the class I used my extra cotton hoodie to towel off, threw my sopping wet clothes in my bag and changed into my date clothes. I was running a little late but there wasn’t much I could do about that. The whole inside of the car fogged up from me being so sweaty.

I drove past the restaurant on my way to find street parking and standing outside was a petite woman with curly brown hair. I thought to myself, ” Ooh, I hope that’s her!” She had sent me a link to a webpage with a group photo that included her, and though it was hard to tell for sure, I didn’t think she really looked like my type. But this woman standing outside was cute and looked really put together. It took me longer than usual to find parking and then I ran the two blocks back to the restaurant in my heels, quads on fire from my workouts that night and the day before.

As I crossed the street, I saw that the woman was no longer standing outside and my heart sank a little as I told myself it hadn’t been her after all. But then I walked in and there she was in the lobby. I apologized profusely for being five minutes late and she assured me she normally runs late.

We each enjoyed a couple glasses of wine, and some light snacks, and the conversation flowed easily. We talked about our hobbies, our careers, gardening, poly, and relationships, and soon they were giving us our bill because they were closing for the night – we had been sitting there for over three hours. Both of us were surprised by the time since it didn’t seem like it had been half that long, and she commented that her partner wouldn’t be available at this time to pick her up and she’d have to find her own way home. I offered her a ride and she accepted. She picked up the bill while I was in the bathroom; I had been planning to cover it with the caveat that she go out with me again. Instead I thanked her for treating and offered to pay on our next date, to which she smiled and accepted.

Outside her house we talked quite a bit more about gardening, as she and her partner are currently doing some landscaping at their house, and then we talked a lot about past relationships and the different challenges of being poly and of being bi. Another hour and a half passed. She kept saying she should let me get home, and that she should get to bed, but we both wanted to keep talking. Eventually she did head inside and I was home after 3 am.

It was probably the best date I have been on in a long time. Way too early to say how things will go but I definitely look forward to seeing her again, and I would have liked to kiss her last night, so if that happens on the next date that would be great. We haven’t made a plan yet for when to see each other next – hopefully soon. My life isn’t quite as busy for the next couple of weeks so that will help. I sent her my Facebook information because she sounded interested in chatting online, and I read through her personality quiz answers on the dating site today only to see that we are really really compatible.

Have been thinking about her all day.

Just a Quick Check-in

I know I’ve been MIA lately. I just don’t even know what to say! Mainly my life revolves around work, homeschooling and Hank’s relationship with Kalena right now. Those are the three things that generally affect my days. I don’t have anyone I am currently interested in, aside from a few of those crushes and someone who is too far away. I love having someone I’m pursuing… and I do not currently have that. It makes me a bit sad but there is no sense dwelling on it.

Daphne and I are going to start hanging out again. I am excited about that as I have missed her presence, and I just hope I can wrap my head around what we might be to each other.

I also have a date tomorrow night after yoga, with a seemingly very compatible woman who contacted me on the dating site. She is a few years older than I am though not outside my realm of possibility for dating, and she is active and seems to be into similar things as I am. We shall see how that goes. I’ll post to let you all know.

Let’s all put out some Agnes-falling-in-love vibes here. I’m ready.

I really like my…

People complain about their bodies all the time.  I don’t like this, I don’t like that.  I’m not good looking,  I wish I was more/less etc.  We need to stop focusing on the stuff we don’t like and focus on the things we like or love about ourselves!

I love my eyes, I think they are a beautiful shade of green.  I think I have a cute mouth.  My curves are ample and feminine.  My breasts are fantastic.  I have really nice forearms.  My shoulders are strong.  I have really great cheek bones.  I have a beautiful vulva.  I think its pretty and symmetrical and kind of adorable really.  I have long legs.  My fingers are long and talented.  My feet are cute and unique.  I could go on.  I really do like myself!

Heck! I love myself.  I love who I am.  Granted there are things that I would like to change.  I want longer thicker hair.  I would love to have a smaller belly, even a bit of a smaller ass.  But I don’t obsess about that.  I do what I can to stay healthy, and think positive.  Also I think people focus on the things they can see and pick apart.  Who else loves their vulvas? Toes? Nose? (I like my nose too, its small and kind of button like). Hair? Ears? Personality?

How can we love someone else, or many someones, if we don’t first love ourselves? That doesn’t just include masturbation either…although thats a good start too!

Ivy