Tag Archive: crushes

And So It Goes.

Just a collection of updates. No big thing to report on really, other than the fact that I really miss my husband. I was reading back tonight and I think sometime mid-July I had mentioned that Hank and I not seeing each other was taking its toll. Well, it’s gotten worse. I miss him so much it hurts and I have kind of just shut down because there is nothing we can do about it and I can’t sit around crying about it. I am going to see him for a total of about 12 hours this week (Friday-Friday). Argh. Again, nothing much can be done about it but for crying out loud, we need to find some balance. Satsuki now talks daily about how Hank never has any time for her or me and that she misses him and he needs to hang out with us more. I just feel kind of empty all the time. I’m sure what I really need is to learn to be okay by myself. I kind of like alone time. To a point. But come on – all the time? And it’s not so much the alone time really. It’s the parenting without him. I always thought I was meant to have a few kids. I LOVE kids! I’ve always worked with kids and I find them hilarious and awesome. But damned if I don’t find parenting waaaaay harder than I expected. It could just be the level of stress in our lives, maybe if we weren’t so busy it would be easier. But who doesn’t have stress, really? My life can’t be that much more hectic than most other people’s. I don’t know. I just know that the days are really, really long. I would love to be able to find time to go for a jog, or take a yoga class.

Okay whining over.

On the bright side (yay bright side!), I’ve done some pretty sweet things this week. Did a really super awesome work-related photo shoot that will be featured in a local magazine sooner than we had hoped for, to publicize a community event I’m helping to organize for the fall. Ah, so vague. Stupid anonymity. Anyway it rocked. And yesterday (Saturday) while Hank was visiting his girlfriend (she’s given me the go-ahead to write about her but I don’t have a name for her yet), Satsuki and I went to a barbecue fundraiser for this really amazing local charity, then last night, we attended the coolest public art installation EVER! in a local park. God I wish I could give details. It was one of those things where I had no clue whether anyone would show up or whether it would be worth going. Well, yes, thousands did, and yes, it was more than worth it. Because I’m a sap, I actually teared up over the whole thing. It was just so beautiful! And it made me so proud for once to live in this city that I bitch about so often. This weekend I have been thinking a lot about all the amazing things that are going on in my town as far as urban farming, sustainability, public art, revitalization, and general awareness, and I have been feeling really, really lucky to live here. Which is awesome.

Last night one of my long-time BFFs came over and we drank some decent wine and watched Shutter Island. Ooh it was good. Great mystery. I will say no more.

Today Satsuki and I met up with friends at a festival near downtown, which was so much more awesome than I was expecting. Really great job on the part of local activists and movers/shakers. Ha. At the same time in the same area was an art market that takes place monthly and is really well done. This was great because for once I could actually afford to buy something, and I bought two really amazing prints which I think I’ll have plaque mounted. One is of a woman on her hands and knees in a corset and garter belt, beside a little toy robot whose eyes are glowing red as he gazes at her. So great. Then we went and met my friend’s new puppy, and then picked up Hank at the bus depot and I actually got to hang out with him for five hours! That was really nice.

Have I mentioned we’ve had sex like, twice in the past month? Le sigh.

Again, I was reading back through June and July and I’ll bet you’re all wondering what happened to my relationship optimism! Well, predictably, the little doubts and general lack of enthusiasm I was feeling about my relationships kind of ran their course. I still haven’t seen Audrey, and I haven’t talked to Daphne since the beginning of the month. I was telling Koi the other night over Skype that I am not going to actively pursue a relationship anymore, but rather remain open, put out an available vibe, and just let things develop naturally. That is always the best way, no? Oh and I guess put it out there that I am also open to cuddle friends. So yeah, not really dating anyone right now (when, pray tell, would I find the time?? Unless my new girlfriend really wanted to join me for canning, parenting and other general home-maintenance goodness.)

I do have a couple more crushes. More remote possibilities, yay! I don’t think you could even call them possibilities. One is a professional who worked in the office where my business used to be located. She moved away a couple of years ago and I haven’t really talked to her since. She posted on FB the other day that she was leaving the coast and I replied asking her if she is moving back here. Alas, no. But she did send me a private message saying she has been thinking of me, giving me an update on her life, and signing off with “xo.” That was nice. Second is my librarian. This one is just plain funny because he has got to be five years younger than me (and I’m not that old), and when he does flirt back, he gets so flustered. It’s cute. He complimented me on my Tyvek wallet the other day. Ooh he’s cute. I could corrupt him so incredibly much. Muahahaha.

The last one is an actual possibility, and I’m not entirely sure she’s a crush yet. She’s from the dating site. I have written to her before and she has written back, and she belongs to the poly group, but somehow we have never met. She’s never come out to anything. I noticed she’s keeping her profile up to date though, so figured she must still be looking, so I wrote her a message asking why we haven’t met and whether she plans to come to a pub night. She said the idea is overwhelming and I responded that I understand it is scary coming into a group of strangers all alone, especially given the nature of the group. I suggested we meet up before the next pub night so that if she comes out, she’ll at least know one person. She said that sounds great. So we shall meet in early September, after I get back from my family vacation.

Oh yes. I’m going on a family vacation. August 29-Sept. 6. Thank god. We need it so badly. We’ll be seeing Man and Koi, as well as a bunch of other great, old friends. Yay! Super looking forward to it.

I will leave you with Lesbotronic’s list of dating ad do’s and don’ts. Sure, it’s written for lesbians… but it applies to all of us.


This has been kind of a weird summer. I mentioned work drama earlier – that has led to me working twice as much as planned in July, which sucks, because… well, it’s July. Hank has been working a ton (at least when he works lots it means he gets paid lots), and all of that put together means we have been living kind of separate lives. Satsuki is not doing well this, and neither am I. I always thought it was unhealthy for a couple to spend too much time together – you know, the couple who has the same friends, hobbies, work in the same office, that sort of thing – I thought that was super lame and would lead to the downfall of a relationship. Well, ironically, not mine it turns out. We do best when we are together 24/7. Seriously. And a lot of the time we are, just because of our work schedules. But not for the past few months. And it’s really starting to take a toll. So anyway, yeah, there’s that.

Then of course the stuff with Wren. We are not in one another’s lives anymore. She sent me a message soon after my last post, and it was nothing less than I would have expected of her. Meaning, it was level-headed, reasonable, and honest. The gist of it was that she does not think we belong in one another’s lives anymore and we should both be able to move on in peace. It was sad to read and yet it was amazing in that almost immediately, it was like a switch had been flipped inside me. Like suddenly I felt some peace because FINALLY someone had just come out and been honest with me. Or even talked to me. That one small note went a very long way in facilitating my healing. Somehow it has made a big difference in even how I feel about Pat and Lisa. I don’t actually feel any bitterness toward them anymore, nor do I really think about them or how things could have or should have gone. To be honest I do really miss Wren, still, but I will hold out hope that at some point our lives will converge again and maybe we could even be good friends in the future. I mean I’m not holding my breath or anything, but I would really like that if it ever came to pass.

The last thing is that Hank has a new girlfriend. I am definitely NOT giving out any details about this because she is not poly and is having a really hard time reconciling our lifestyle and Hank’s status with her own beliefs and ability to take part in the relationship, meaning that we are all taking things really slowly and trying to give her the space and time she needs to adjust and figure things out. Which means, of course, that I’m not about to ask her whether she’s cool with me blogging about her. Haha. Wouldn’t that be awesome. Anyway Hank is pretty smitten and I’m really happy for him. I just hope he doesn’t get his heart broken too badly.

Now about those crushes. Well on one hand, my love life is pretty dead right now. Which is okay because I have been either working or out of town (hey, it’s the only way to guarantee I won’t be called in to work). I haven’t seen Audrey once this month, which I chalk up to the fact that her living arrangements changed and she is now living with her… uh… not really boyfriend… well whoever. The guy in her life. And I don’t want to say¬† much else about that, except that it means we haven’t seen each other. But I’m sure we will soon, hopefully.

And of course Daphne is still out of town for the summer. We haven’t talked much while she has been away, although on Aug. 8 when she gets back I’m going for a sleepover at her place. That should be nice.

I’ve been lamenting the fact that I have pretty much no other love interests (I am enjoying dating Audrey and Daphne and want them both in my life but don’t see either relationship going much deeper than they currently stand, and would still really like to find a serious girlfriend at some point). I’ve noticed a few crushes cropping up the past week or two. One is a guy I’ve known for a few years, a friend of one of my best friends. Actually they dated once for a couple of months, but that was years ago. I’ve always thought he’s cute, and I have always really loved talking to him, and we have a ton in common. A while ago he posted on Facebook about wanting to go hiking and I responded saying we should make a date to do so. So, on August 7 (busy weekend!) we are going hiking together. Okay it’s not a date. We even, on his suggestion, made a Facebook event and invited other people. But I kind of, maybe a little, hope it’s just us. Not because I NECESSARILY want anything to happen, at least not that day, and not that Hank would necessarily be cool with us dating anyway (although as far as guys go, this one is about as good as they get as far as Hank’s criteria goes… meaning he doesn’t seem possessive, like an alpha male, macho, any of that). Anyway I just wouldn’t mind at all if it were just the two of us just so I could get a bit of a feel for if that were even a remote possibility, not through a flat out conversation off the bat but just feeling things out, flirting, that sort of thing. I don’t know. We’ll see.

The second one is actually a girl who used to work for me. When we hired her, my coworker and I totally giggled about how cute she is. I always loved running into her on days she was working, and caught little hints of flirting. Not that that means anything, necessarily, but possibly. Um… once she called me “sweet thang” in an email. Haha. She is currently overseas. But she has started commenting on my Facebook statuses all the time. And sweet jesus she is adorable. I don’t even know whether she is bi but if nothing else she seems very open and gives off a vibe that suggests the possibility. Apparently she gets back in October. Another “we’ll see.”

The last one is even more remote, I’d say. It’s this client of mine, who I first met about two years ago at work. She and her husband are HI-larious, like had-me-peeing-my-pants funny, and I immediately loved them as a couple. She is also super cute. We have quite a bit in common from what I could tell and I’ve always really liked her style. I even love both her kids’ names. When we met she was pregnant with her first, and now she has two little ones. Anyway she has approached us as a business with the possibility to team up in a way, and so we met with her tonight. She is so funny!!! Oh my god. I need a girlfriend who can make me laugh like that. When she walked in I saw her out of the corner of my eye, she has had her hair cut super short and highlighted and was wearing a plaid shirt, and my immediate thought was, Ooh cute lesbian, sweet. My coworker says she thought the same thing. Then I looked at her and realized it was her. She’s pulling off the dyke look well like me. Hahaha. Then when we started talking apparently my coworker thought “Oh look, the lesbian is flirting with Agnes.” Ooh, the excitement! I picked up a little flirting too. She is married and planning on having TWO MORE KIDS, but hey, marriage isn’t always the best indication that someone is unavailable, as we all know. That’s another we’ll see. I added her as a friend on Facebook and we now have plans to team up as businesses, so that at least means more contact. With her it’s more of a cool-crush anyway, in that I really like her style, respect her work, and again, find her so fucking funny, but if she ended up being available and by some crazy stroke of luck wanted to date, I would not turn her down.

I really love having crushes. I don’t so much care whether anything comes of any of them, certainly not all of them, but I enjoy collecting them and dwelling on what could happen. It’s fun and occupies my mind. Plus I like thinking about cute people and I also really like flirting. These things enrich my life. Here’s to crushes!