Tag Archive: love

(side note – names have been decided.  Bear for the dude that I am starting a relationship with [and he totally called me his gf the other day!] and Jeff is the FWB dude.  No back to the actual post)

As things progress in relationships certain things come up.  Mostly emotional things.  What if you are afraid of what you are feeling? What if you’ve been hurt so much before its scary to think about getting emotionally involved with someone new.  That no matter how you might really feel you can’t quite say it for whatever reason.

When it comes to new romantic relationships, for me at least, I am really scared to express my romantic feelings.  I could have fallen head over heals in love with someone and I will have the hardest time expressing that.

I love you is one of the hardest things for me to say to someone new.  Be the feelings slow or quick, I struggle to say it.

Granted, lately, I have been avoiding relationships that might lead to those feelings.  I feel like right now I am ready for that again.  Still scared.  Still insecure.  Still going ahead.


What has happened since my last update?

Here is a list.

1) I stopped seeing that FWB dude.  Well, stopped hearing from would be more accurate.  2 rounds and then no communication. Oh well.

2) I tuned 30.

3) Saw Laine.

4) Met a online friend in real life.

5) Fooled around with said friend. Decided to become FWB.  I don’t have a online name for him yet.

6) I moved.  More space, less rent!

7) Have become interested in someone out of town. More to come on that later.

8) Working way to much

9) Had a two hour cuddle session with a friend.

10) Thinking more on the importance of non-sexual touch.  Not just job related, but also in personal relationships.  I have a post I am working on for that as well.

Thats Ivy in 10.  I will have to sit down in the next day or two and pound out a post or three with everything going on.  Lets just say for now, that I am very happy with my life and where things are going with it.  I feel like I am finally in the right place and time.  I am feeling open to being in a relationship again, with the right person/people of course.  And I feel like I am open to loving someone again.  Thats a good feeling to have.

That’s all for now,


I really like my…

People complain about their bodies all the time.  I don’t like this, I don’t like that.  I’m not good looking,  I wish I was more/less etc.  We need to stop focusing on the stuff we don’t like and focus on the things we like or love about ourselves!

I love my eyes, I think they are a beautiful shade of green.  I think I have a cute mouth.  My curves are ample and feminine.  My breasts are fantastic.  I have really nice forearms.  My shoulders are strong.  I have really great cheek bones.  I have a beautiful vulva.  I think its pretty and symmetrical and kind of adorable really.  I have long legs.  My fingers are long and talented.  My feet are cute and unique.  I could go on.  I really do like myself!

Heck! I love myself.  I love who I am.  Granted there are things that I would like to change.  I want longer thicker hair.  I would love to have a smaller belly, even a bit of a smaller ass.  But I don’t obsess about that.  I do what I can to stay healthy, and think positive.  Also I think people focus on the things they can see and pick apart.  Who else loves their vulvas? Toes? Nose? (I like my nose too, its small and kind of button like). Hair? Ears? Personality?

How can we love someone else, or many someones, if we don’t first love ourselves? That doesn’t just include masturbation either…although thats a good start too!


A bit about Ivy

My basics are that I am poly, married, and kind of bi, mostly queer.  I struggle with labels.  Bi, gay, queer, boi, gurl, etc.  I’m just me.  I’m Ivy.  I don’t really feel the need to explain my lifestyle, but here is a bit about me.

I work in the birthing field.  Right now as a Doula, hopefully sometime in the future as a Midwife.  I am in the process of applying to a couple of schools and waiting to hear back.  Its aggravating and annoying and I am terribly impatient.

I am also in the process of moving away for the summer. I am not leaving my husband, Laine, I am just moving to a new place all by myself.  I will be living alone for the first time in my life.  I am excited, and a bit nervous.   I think it will be a great learning experience for me as well.

We’ve lived apart before, no problems.  Our relationship is solid and really good, and there is also the possibility that I may have to move away for school anyway.

When I move away I have some things about myself that I want to explore.  If I move for school it’s likely that I will present myself as gay.

While I am away this summer I am considering some form of celibacy.  Maybe celibacy from sex, maybe from relationships.  Right now its celibacy from everything.  At the same time I don’t want to avoid sex if the opportunity comes up.  Maybe I will just do the sex thing and no relationships.

I’m kind of avoiding relationships right now, was really hurt last summer by a girl I loved very much.  And still do.  We see each other on occasion,  and I am pretty sure that she feels the same.  She is just coming out as gay and not sure where she is at right now.  Last year she broke up with me to work on her primary relationship…that is now over – for the better.  I am just feeling sick of being an experiment, or a novelty, or a toy.

This time by myself will be good.

I still miss her something fierce though.

Oh, I also struggle somewhat with my weight.  Working on it…well working on feeling better about *myself*, not so much the number on the scale.  I am counting somewhat on my move to help me with that.  Not that I’m not working on it now…

So that a small bit about me.  We’ll see what happens in the next few months!