Tag Archive: triad

Hank and Agnes Are Proactive

Hank and I have been feeling frustrated. I, at least, have had better luck than he has – I had the Pat and Lisa fiasco, and then the extremely short-lived (one night!) affair with Koi. So I’m not sure whether that qualifies as luck. Maybe he has had better luck actually – he’s been on numerous dates, none of which have gone past the third date, nor making out (one involved making out in underwear… and stopped there). He seems to have plenty of girls interested in him but then they either don’t “get” poly, or something else is holding them back. Some of them, I speculate, are looking to settle down and a guy with a wife who is looking for something a little more casual doesn’t suit their needs.

At any rate, he has never had a relationship on his own (meaning aside from triads), and I feel like I’ve hit a wall with meeting girls, probably mainly because all my possibilities disappeared at once and I felt like I was left hanging. So really it’s not like I’ve gone so long without a date, more like I was putting my mental energy into specific relationships and now have no outside relationships into which to put that energy – back to square one. I have been feeling like no one is really getting back to me on the dating site, or dates aren’t quite lining up, and then wondering where the hell else I would meet people. But, Hank is a good influence and forbids me to feel sorry for myself. Today we decided to try a bit of a blitzkrieg on the dating site. First, we are trying to figure out why no one is replying to Hank and why he hasn’t gotten any dates yet. His profile was pretty sparse, didn’t give enough info and talked about me too much. I edited it a bit and rearranged his photos (added a new one and deleted another, too). Then I went through the straight girls that fit his criteria and pointed out a couple cute ones he’s compatible with whom he had not written to. I pointed out to him that  most people won’t write you a message if you just smile or wink at them, so he should write messages or chat. I also told him he’s a dumbass because he dismisses girls who put “curvy” instead of “fit” or “skinny.” Jeez. Anyway, one of the girls I pointed out said she prefers to chat, and then she popped up online and I suggested he message her. He did, they chatted, and hopefully they’re going out for ice cream later this week.

I still haven’t had much luck in the way of dates, but I sorted through my favourites list and messaged a couple of girls I had only winked at or not even that. So many cute girls… one has to be open to going on a date with me! Aside from that, I know I can’t just meet people online. I am chopping my hair a la Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby on Tuesday, and having them bleach it platinum blonde. I’m hoping I’ll be a little more obviously into chicks then, as silly as that sounds, and maybe I’ll appeal to different people than I do with my brunette bob. A new market! LOL. I can’t really volunteer, which is a shame since I used to volunteer a ton. Unfortunately because of Hank’s highly unpredictable work schedule, I can’t commit to things like that. I do have two plans though for meeting girls. First, hula hooping in the park on Sunday afternoons. I was supposed to go today but it was quite chilly so there wouldn’t have been anyone there. I don’t really know anyone who goes, except one girl Justan works with and has been on a date with, so that’ll be nice to meet hot hula hooping girls. I am also attending the first meeting of a new erotica writing group on May 23, and I’m really excited about that! I have never belonged to a writers’ circle, and definitely not one focused on erotica. I really love writing erotica (I’ll post some sometime) and would love some feedback from more experienced creative writers. I figure that could also be a great place to meet likeminded girls. The girl organizing it is really cute but currently mono (exploring the option of poly with her partner).

That’s all for now! Not much to report, I know, but I am happy that Hank might have a date for this week. I hope it works out; she has to check her work schedule before they confirm. I’ll keep you all posted!


Poly Single

I don’t know if I’ve ever been as poly single as I am now. Okay okay. I guess that’s not right; during the time I was pregnant, and the two years after I had Satsuki, I had no interest in dating anyone, nor in having sex with Hank for that matter. But other than that, it seems like I have always had a friend I was sleeping with, someone to flirt with, someone to fantasize about, and right now, I feel like I’ve got no prospects, even. I don’t mean for this post to end up depressing or anything, it’s just an update on where I’m at, and maybe if I outline what’s going on I’ll have some ideas of where to go from here.
First of all, no, I don’t *need* any one person or relationship to complete me. I am a complete and very happy person on my own. I would miss Hank horribly if anything ever happened to him, and yes a part of me would be broken forever but I would still be me. I don’t believe in ever seeking out relationships to fill a hole within yourself. To keep myself busy and enrich my mind and body I have a ton of hobbies, friends and business commitments. I own two businesses, one freelance and one brick and mortar, and I am very, very passionate about both. We homeschool Satsuki. I write a lot; writing was always my first love. I have a large organic garden, I hula hoop (going to start attending open hula hoop practice in the park), I rollerskate (going to invest in some outdoor wheels for the summer), I jog (just completing the Couch-to-5K), I read a ton of nonfiction on whatever topic I’m currently obsessed with, I video chat on the online community I’m part of, I try to get out dancing often and I spend a lot of face time with close friends. It’s not like I feel some gaping hole in my life. I’m busy, I’m happy, I learn every day and I love my life very much. Looking for another person or other people to share my life with is not about filling a gap.
However, I am still looking. For one thing, I *love* being with a woman. I love everything about it. I’m talking sex and love here. I really love feminine energy and I love the female body. I could happily lie naked with a woman for the rest of my life and never need anything more. I would really love to have a woman in my life with whom I could share a deep romantic connection and whom I also find very sexy. While for now I am looking to date and meet a bunch of new people, my eventual hope is to find a long-term girlfriend with whom I can share a long, meaningful, committed (though still open/poly) relationship. Perhaps she could even live with us someday, who knows – it depends on her situation.
For another thing, we only learned about the term polyamory plus it’s accompanying community, and all the ideas behind it (I’m talking about much of the emotional maturity and self-exploration that are discussed in The Ethical Slut) a little over a year ago when we unwittingly entered into our triad. Before that we mostly thought, like a lot of other people, that while we could navigate sex with others, the love bit would be trouble. Then we learned… it’s not. Not necessarily. Yes sometimes, as anything involving strong emotions can be, but not necessarily any more so. So over the past year as I have read, and talked, and discussed, and researched, the possibilities have become apparent to me and I’ve seen other couples living lives that I really admire and wish to emulate in some ways. Lives where they are free to explore their feelings for others with openness, honesty, and the maturity to own their own feelings and not place blame on others. Lives where people do the internal work they need to, realizing that they create their own realities and can’t go on expecting others to improve their situation or save them from themselves. Authentic lives in which the participants take responsibility for their own happiness. In short, a lifestyle that makes so much sense I now can’t imagine why anyone would live any other way.
(*Disclaimer – the above statement is not actually true. I know a ton of reasons why most people would choose to live monogamously. And I know poly is not going to be the way the majority of humans live in the near future. However, when examined logically, if people are willing to own their emotions and take responsibility for their happiness, I think many, many people, if not the majority, would be happier poly. But then I’m kind of a utopian, so…)
So in learning and thinking about poly over the past year, and realizing the potential for what Hank’s and my life *could* look like, I’ve become really hopeful and excited. And I’ve learned a couple of really hard lessons over the course of the year. The thing is, I *learned* them, I assimilated them and now I feel ready to live them.

At this point, as I mentioned, I am looking for a girl. The funny thing is, I am finding myself just as attracted to men as to women, which is quite foreign and new to me. I haven’t felt this way for over ten years. For a very long time I’ve identified as more gay than straight, and now I’m starting to doubt that. I imagine it’s a phase, but at the moment for some reason I am feeling this attraction to men. Only, I have no idea, as mentioned before, what I would want from a man. Nonetheless I feel the attraction, and Hank wants me to date a guy (of his liking), so I imagine I’ll be exploring that to try to figure out whether it has some place in my life. Honestly at this point I think it would be fun to go on dates with a guy, and maybe make out. I’m sure I could get into sex with another man but it’s not exactly at the top of my priority list right now. As it stands I am not going out looking for men and even if I do meet one I’m attracted to that meets my requirements (married or coupled, poly <and not new!>, whose wife is either straight or not attractive to me, BUT with whose wife I get along well on a friend level… sigh.), I would want to take it slowly and not just hop into bed (or love) with him.

So here stands Agnes, scanning the horizon for girls. (And with that, Jane Siberry’s Mimi on the Beach is now stuck in my head… yeah that’s a good thing… “I scan the horiiiiiizon for you Mimi; I scaaaan for the both of us…” man I need to go download that, I only have it on tape!) I’ve got a profile on several lesbian or poly-friendly dating sites, I’m making new friends, we’re organizing these poly pub nights, and I’ve looked on Suicide Girls (for members… not Suicide Girls… although they’re also nice…). I’m going hula hooping in the park this Sunday – every Sunday while the weather is nice, the local hoopers meet there by open invite and you can take the opportunity to learn from more experienced hoopers. Hula hoopers – now there’s a market I’d like to shop. I have been on a couple of dates and have made contact with a couple more people online, though a couple of times double-booking has worked against us.

I’m not sure what else to say. I vowed not to date within my circle of friends anymore, not that there is anyone I would have been chasing after within that group. I spend some time chatting and there are a few people on the site where I chat whom I really like, but they’re spread from Texas to Portland to New Jersey, and I don’t travel much, so that’s not really getting me the cuddles I crave. I’ll keep you posted though. I have a whole day to myself this Saturday and I’m trying to find someone to hang out with, then Ivy’s going away party on Saturday night (meeting more new people, yay!), then hula hooping on Sunday afternoon, so needless to say I’m hoping for some progress this weekend.

Meet Agnes and Co.

I thought with my first post I might as well introduce my cast and crew, since they are currently fairly simple to sum up, at least, relatively (see blog title).

I am Agnes. I’m married to a man, I’m bi (identify more as gay but I do still find myself drawn to men now and again) and poly, and have a preschool aged daughter and a very busy work and social life.

My husband is Hank. He’s straight and poly and works in a field he is very passionate about.

Our daughter is Satsuki (that’s pronounced Saht-ski, not that it’s her real name). She is hilarious and awesome but won’t be mentioned in much detail on this blog.

We have an ex, Wren, with whom we had a committed triad in 2009 that split due to extraneous life circumstances, mainly. Wren and I were heartbroken about the split but things are weird and not great between us these days; meanwhile she and Hank didn’t really speak for a couple of months around the time we split but are now seeing one another in some capacity again. Wren will remain a good friend as far as I can tell.

I have two other exes, a man and woman named Pat and Lisa. This break-up is the most recent and was my first relationship with a man other than Hank since we met ten years ago. I only fooled around a few times with Lisa including a couple threesomes with her and Pat, while Pat and I felt we were in love and had a more intense, though also short-lived, affair. This all ended completely in February.

Of course there are Koi and Ivy, my two new poly friends, whom I am very glad to have met as I don’t really know anyone else in this city who is truly poly!

Lastly, there are a couple of online players. Andy is my married friend from a full nation away. We have never met in person and likely never will. I find him adorable and lovable and we have great conversations on iChat about music and slightly naughty things. I love watching his face as we chat, it makes me feel so warm inside. Odd relationship but I wouldn’t trade it. There is also Heidi, who lives a pretty hefty plane ride away as well. Her relationship is primarily with Hank but we flirt online fairly often as well. I’m not too sure about Heidi to be honest, she is quite young and claims to have feelings for Hank that seem pretty premature (we have not met her in person either), however, I trust her and I feel her intentions are good, and she currently has a boyfriend who is not into letting her come meet us anyway so at this time it’s a moot point.

For now, other than some friends who will show up from time to time, that’s about it! I am currently looking to date women and hope this will ultimately lead to a romantic, more long-term relationship. I’m also currently talking to Hank about opening his mind and heart to the idea of me being with other men. Our current arrangement is that I have complete freedom with other women and he can also date and have sex with other women (including whatever emotions that may entail), however other men are off-limits to me, with the instance of Pat being a one-time departure from these guidelines. I do not seek out men nor do I often find myself truly attracted to men however I would prefer to be free to explore relationships with people I meet as they need to develop, with Hank of course having the option to veto. So for now, Hank and I are both seeking other women though separate from each other, as I am not willing to attempt a triad again at this point – the dissolution of our relationship with Wren left me much, much too raw.

That’s all for now! Meeting Koi and Ivy has been fun and I feel like I am meeting a ton of new people right now, so hopefully I’ll have lots to post right away.