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Telepathic cuddle booty call

This is so odd and random but given that I thought you might show up on my doorstep three hours ago, it’s not totally out of the blue… I find myself thinking that I wouldn’t hate it if you showed up now in the middle of the night and crawled into my bed, just to sleep. No monkey business (because that’s how I talk now; I’m a mom, it’s allowed). Which I find surprising. Yet I feel compelled to put in up on the blog. And of course you are out there somewhere in the world doing other things, this is not on your radar, and that doesn’t even matter to me – it’s more that I find it noteworthy that I don’t feel I’d mind, nor find it bad or awkward, if you were here. Which really, when I think about it, is kind of awesome and I think, a big step forward for me.

Things have been good and less awkward between me and… pretty much everyone, lately. Friendships are feeling more normal. I am thankful.

Not too long ago I was back in the big city taking a course.  I spent some time with my dad and we had some chats.  One of those chats was me coming out to my dad.  I told him about being bi, about how I dated girls while I was married, and so on.  I told him about the dude I was interested in (who is no longer….great disappearing act) and the girl I had a date with before I left town.  I told him that I was poly and that Laine was (is?) monogamous.  He took it really well.  I haven’t had to hide anything since that talk.  It’s been fantastic!

My mother on the other hand…Well that’s been tricky.  She is a pretty closed off lady.  How have I approached my coming out, you may ask.  Baby steps.  Little little steps, with a side of flash!  I called her up a couple weeks ago and during our conversation I casually mentioned my date.  My yoga and brunch date, with a girl.   It went a little something like this:

Me – “I’m doing great! I had a wonderful date with Sue yesterday.  We went to yoga then brunch.  It was our second date”

Mother – “Isn’t that a girls name?” Said with a bit of  hesitancy

Me – “Yes, it was our second date”

Mother – “Oh. …… Well I  need to get ready for the gym now.  We can talk later in the week”

That’s my family.  Don’t like something? Ignore it and/or run away from it.  That’s ok.  I am no longer hiding it.  Baby steps, with a bit of flash.

Right after that phone call I called my dad and told him.  He was quite surprised and asked how it went.  We had a good laugh and said good bye.

I know that with some people coming out to their families has been hard and sometimes a bit awful.  I don’t think it has anything to do with how you do it.  I think it’s really just how the family reacts.  My tactics might not work.  I could be met with a “I never want to hear about it” but that’s her choice to shut me out like that.  I wont hide if I have dates, I wont hide if I have more than one partner,  and I really wont hide if those partners happen to be girls or guys anymore.  I won’t throw it in her face, but I wont hide it either.

Ok, so maybe I just came out as bi (kind of) to my mother, but eventually poly will come out.  My dad asks me about seeing two girls “They both know? They are ok with that? Isn’t that weird” Just so happens they both work together too! Yay poly!

One step at a time.

~Ivy

I Miss You.

And I don’t know how to tell you, or whether to tell you. And I would Facebook friend request you but since you defriended me I feel like I should honour your action by not requesting you reverse it… or something like that. And yeah, Facebook is stupid. And it’s stupid to feel like an entire relationship is defined by our connection, or lack thereof, on a social networking site. Why not by our phone conversations? Or our interactions in person? So about those…. well, we don’t talk on the phone. But in person… it’s nice to see you. And when I do see you, I realize again that I miss you. I don’t feel weird, and I don’t feel bad, and I smile and laugh.

So, what if I sent you a text, or a Facebook message, or an email that said, “It was good to see you today.”? What if … what if what? What’s the worst that could happen? Right now I’m living at pretty much the bottom of our relationship/friendship trajectory. But I feel like any action I might take, anything I might say, no matter how well intentioned, has a risk tied to it. And the possibility of finding a new bottom to this is so much scarier than where we are now – not having you in my life at all except when I run into you every couple of months and talk to you, kind of like old times, for about five minutes.

For now I’ll keep this in the balance.

Polyamory, at its core, is to me an opportunity to allow any relationship in my life to become what it is meant to be. Of course that is within the constraints of any relationship the other person may already have. But if I had to define poly, for what it means to me, it doesn’t come down to wanting or needing a specific number of lovers or loves. It comes down to being open to whatever may become of any new relationship that comes along.

Functionally, as an example, let’s say I have a close friend, male or female. Maybe we are new friends and just met a month or two ago, or maybe we have been friends for a few years. Suddenly we find ourselves flirting or experiencing an attraction to one another. In a poly situation, we talk openly about this attraction. It’s not assumed (as it may be in a monogamous relationship) that just because we feel an attraction, we will go on to have a romantic relationship that will include sex. It is then up to the two of us and partially any other partners in our lives to decide what will work for us. Close friends who cuddle, maybe make out? Friends who have sex once in a while for fun? Partners who are in love and may even go on to cohabitate? Something completely different or a combination of these? In my ideal poly situation (not saying that things are always ideal… like in any type of relationship or lifestyle), there is no pressure to be anything in particular. Many or hopefully all of the assumptions are dropped and what you are left with is the freedom to do what works in each individual situation. You’ve stopped painting all relationships and the possibilities therein with the same brush.

Right now, Veronica and I are figuring out exactly who we are to each other. I seem to be seeing her more, again. I hadn’t seen her in weeks… maybe a couple of months. It had been a long time. Her relationship with the other woman, the monogamous woman who was making rather unwelcome demands on Veronica’s time, didn’t allow for us to spend time together; or at least Veronica wanted some time to work it out with the other woman, and I wasn’t bothered by that.

So as Veronica related to me today, for a period of at least a few weeks, she more or less stopped seeing me and our poly friends for the sake of the other woman’s comfort. I missed her but was also going through a period where I welcomed the solitude. I think most of us go through these times, when we look within and want lots of time to relax, focus on ourselves (working out, writing, sleeping, reading), and don’t want a crowded social calendar. Hank was away for about a month and I just spent a lot of quiet nights alone, which at this point was really nice.

To be clear, Veronica did send me a detailed and really thoughtful message explaining why she had been withdrawing. We talked about it and agreed that we both feel that we will be perfectly happy to reunite after whatever period of time is needed, and that she should feel free to take some time to sort through her more complicated relationship with the other woman.

So here we are, in the position of figuring out what we are to each other. I personally love the ambiguity of it, and from the discussions we have had I believe Veronica is very comfortable with the freedom of boundaries in our relationship as well. I say that we are figuring out what we are to each other, but it is just as much a matter of not figuring it out… of letting it be whatever it needs to be at any time. I suppose the point is, when it comes down to it, shouldn’t every relationship be rooted in the moment, in now? I do think it’s important in a committed relationship to work at it, to, for instance, work on yourself and your own issues to help the relationship and keep it healthy. I’m not saying you shouldn’t work at a relationship. But when it comes to a lover or someone you are dating, I do think that it’s kind of sad to fall back on assumptions or cultural expectations to decide what your relationship should look like, how often you should see each other, rules you have with one another, and so on.

So what is my relationship with Veronica in this moment, now? I refer to her as my “kind of girlfriend” or “my girlfriend whom I haven’t seen in a month.” I am in love with her and to my knowledge she is in love with me. I’m very attracted to her, and we flirt and plan to continue to sleep together. The sex is hot, and playful, and fun. That is now, and I have no desire for that to change. I feel completely okay with her having relationships with anyone else whom she pleases. I understand we may see more or less of one another depending who either of us is seeing or what is happening in our lives, and I feel fine about that too. All in all, I really like the nature of our relationship and the possibilities I see in it, and I feel really at peace about whichever direction it may take.

There is also another relationship I am starting to try to sort out, if it moves any further beyond where it is now. He is a friend I met through both the poly group and a bisexual support group one of my friends started. I’ll call him Marc. He is in a long-term, committed same-sex relationship and identifies as primarily gay but to my understanding he is looking for basically what I am looking for: someone of the opposite sex to cuddle and make out with and probably not anything sexual involving genitals. We kissed during a game of Spin the Bottle (love it!) at a friend’s party a couple weeks ago, and then made out and cuddled at a party I threw this past weekend. I couldn’t believe the smile on my face. I was so happy to be kissing him and be near him, and yet that pressure to get naked and get him inside me was not there. It was so nice. We agreed we’d both like to make out more. We have a date tomorrow night, just bubble tea and dessert and talking about what we’re looking for, I presume. And hopefully some hand holding, and then making out in the car after. Aw, he is adorable and awesome and I’m really giddy about this. It seems so unconventional at face value but makes so much sense to me.

So there, from my own life, a couple examples of what relationships could look like. That is what mine look like right now, in this moment… we will see what they are in a month, six months, a year! They may be very different but I can only hope I’ll be at least as happy then as I am now.

Cool!

I like to have a look at what people are typing into search engines to find us.  The term ‘Hot Poly’ is one of the bigger ones,  so I had to go and have my own test run.  If you type ‘Hot Poly’ into Google we are the second option! Yay us! Maybe that’s a sign we should blog more??

 

~Ivy

I watched this little video the other day.  Very interesting.  And actually really relevant to me.  I have a thyroid issue.  But not the same one as Nina Hartley (who is freaking amazing!).  No,  I have whats called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  It kind of sucks but I can keep it regulated with medication.  Hooray science!

The part that I was really able to identify with in that video was the low libido.  When my levels are off then the first thing to go is my sex drive (and it takes me longer to orgasm).  And yes, it really is the last thing to come back.

I have been dealing with this since I was pretty young.  The thyroid issues, not the orgasms.  I could always reach orgasm on my own, but not always with partners.  This could cause many issues with lovers.  That whole “did you cum?” looming over your head.  If you don’t then something is either wrong with you or with them.  In the sex race the finish line was always the orgasm.  When I was sleeping with my first lady love (at age 13ish) I always just enjoyed the fun we had.  I don’t recall if she ever came, but I know I didn’t at least not at the time.  Later on my own I would.  That was never an issue for us.  We just enjoyed the act and the feelings we did have.  It was never really an issue until I started to sleep with guys when I was 18.  My first guy – I faked it every time we had sex.  It was too quick (under 5 mins) so I never really had time to build up to it.  And I didn’t want to make him feel bad about it.  My second male lover on the other hand was able to bring me to orgasm with his mouth and hand.  That was pretty awesome for me! It wasn’t until I was 19/20 and sleeping with Laine that I had my first orgasm during sex.  It was never a requirement of sex, but it was always a nice bonus.

One thing I did notice about my orgasms were that they didn’t always feel the same during sex as they did on my own.  It wasn’t just the different intensity. Later on as I became poly and found that I really struggled to have orgasms during sex with other partners I really had to take a look at what was going on with me.  I was enjoying the sex, I enjoyed my partners, but I couldn’t just get there.  I didn’t mind, much.  I had sex for the fun and the connection it brought.

First step was to get my levels checked.  I knew that if they were low then everything else went downhill.

Second step was to get over my shyness.  Sometimes all we need is a lack of inhibition in the bed room.  Let my partner explore my body.  Be comfortable in my own skin.  Have sex for the sake of sex not for any other reason (that one was pretty easy to do).

Third step was to have my own orgasms.  What pressure do I like? What feels good to me? How hard/fast. To the left/right or direct stimulation.

Fourth step was to accept that I can’t always get there and not make it a big deal if I do or don’t.

As I get older all this became simpler. I have less hang ups about sex now than I did 5 years ago, and even less than 10 years ago.

Another thing I have learned about over the years is trantric.  I want to be clear here, I don’t have trantric sex.  I just take some ideas and practices into thought.  I can now orgasm without a strong physical response.  It’s just as good, and can be just as strong as a physical orgasm, but I don’t need the same stimulation.  I started learning about these kinds many years ago.  I’m really glad that I did.  They really take the stress off!

As I get older and more and more comfortable in my own body I have found I can also be multi-orgasmic (and on occasion ejaculate).  Mostly it’s the lack of my own personal hang ups.  Sometimes it is easier to achieve when my levels are in the normal range too.

This whole health and orgasm thread came about because I have this amazing doctor right now who listens to me when I talk with them about how I am feeing on my thyroid meds.  Sure my levels are normal range, but I still have the symptoms, so we increased the dosage just a little bit.  Over the last month and a half I have noticed a HUGE improvement.  Sex drive is the fist thing to go and the last to come back.  It’s been back in full force these last few weeks and I welcome it! I would go weeks at a time without even masturbating.  I just didn’t care to.  Now I actually want to.  And I can orgasm with when I have sex with someone.  Both the tantric kind and the physical kind.

Your state of wellness makes a huge difference in how you approach your relationships.  When you’re poly it’s not just you.  It’s you, your partner(s), their partner(s) and so on.  Cumming with one person and not with another can be a blow to the self esteem.  For anyone.  I didn’t learn different ways to orgasm for anyone but me.  I wanted to get another level of satisfaction from sex.  I enjoy sex. I really enjoy sex.  I’m not shy about that.  I don’t worry anymore about if i’ll ‘finish’.  I also don’t feel the need to lie or fake it now.  I’ll get there or I wont.  I’m just going to enjoy the ride….

~Ivy

 

I’m sorry!

I have been neglectful. What I’d like to do on this blog is write focused posts that explore specific topics – rather than just the story of my life (although I want to keep you all updated on my life, too). I started my original blog to tell the story of Hank’s, Wren’s and my triad, because I wanted to document something that felt so amazing. Later I began to use that blog to work through my feelings surrounding what happened between Pat, Lisa and me. I then moved over here to try to avoid some drama between Wren and me, and upon moving here there was still a lot of healing going on for me, so I wrote about that. I am finally back at my centre, and have been for some time, and because of that there are fewer dramatic situations to dissect, if any. This is great! Both because I can’t take the stress of prolonged drama, and because it means I can delve more into the actual issues surrounding polyamory, bisexuality, and other such things.

But. For now… I will update you all. Once I’ve posted this update I can get to work constructing some broader posts.

Hank and Kalina broke up at the end of November, the month that she took off work and lived in our city to see how things might work long-term. To be honest the break-up wasn’t pretty. You might even say it was arduous. Okay, fuck, yes, it was arduous. A lot of off and on, Hank not making his intentions clear, Kalina acting quite erratically. It wasn’t fun to watch and I’m sure it was even less fun to be in the middle of. They seem to have it sorted now and still speak sometimes, but not about getting back together. I’d say more about the reasons for the break-up but again, it’s not my story to tell so I won’t speculate or try to explain any of it here. Those of you who know Hank personally are welcome to ask. ;)

Veronica and I are still together, though we haven’t seen each other much since we had a night away together in mid-December. We have gotten together a couple of times, but between me being gone for a week at Christmas, then her leaving for one trip very early in January and another immediately after, and just getting home last night, it feels like I haven’t seen her in ages! I am hoping to see her tomorrow night. Hank is away this week and then for most of February and into March, so I’m hoping Veronica can come stay at my place at least a couple nights this month.

I am also headed to visit Lucy (see “first girl love,” here) with Satsuki this month while Hank is away. I’m really excited about that. It was so awesome being with Lucy, her partner and their two kids when we went to visit in August. Things between us are really natural and easy, and there is a really deep love there. It’s really lovely.

Aside from that, I will fill you all in on my feelings regarding the guy friend I went hiking with last summer. I am going to call him Jason. I’ve been kind of interested in him still, but go back and forth on it, and on guys in general really. That’s a whole post in itself.

Really my life has been lots and lots of work, lots of homeschooling, lots of hanging out with Koi, taking part in the burgeoning local poly and bi communities (so much fun and so many new friends!!), and working out more (and feeling great for it). I will post again soon, I promise. Now to decide which topic to tackle first…

I’m getting a divorce.  Yes, poly people divorce.  For many reasons.  In this case its not due to anyone else, or we no longer care about each other, or anything like that.  It just has to do with the fact that we are no longer compatible and we are both done trying.  Thats just what happens sometimes.

I keep getting advice to be single to not be with anyone.  I get it.  I don’t see it as fair advice right now when I have another relationship going on.  Sure, if I hadn’t started with Bear I would likely spend another year single.  As it stands I just won’t be getting into anything new for a while.

I feel raw.  A little too sensitive to anything.  Scared and really lonely too.

I’m not going to stop being poly, I am just going to take some more time before anything new.  I don’t really know what I will be doing in the future.  Some ideas kicking around, nothing solid yet.

~Ivy

 

One’s not enough
I won’t stop till I’ve given you up
Here, right as I am, it’s hard having fun
It’s much easier said than it’s done

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Control me like you used to

No
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t have you anymore

But I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore

The room’s still now when I’m lying
‘Cause the well of the night has gone dry
When they ask to behave, I paid them no mind
Now I doubt if I’d have been so kind

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Control me like you used to

No
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t have you anymore

But I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore

Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to
Hold me like before
Hold me like you used to

If you please stop feeling, tranquilize
I know the separation kills the soul
But I won’t stop falling like raindrops
Because I like it when you lose control

I thought you should know
You don’t move me anymore
And I’m glad that you don’t
‘Cause I can’t take it anymore


Last Post (Koi)

I have decided that the public forum of a blog isn’t the right place for me to explore my thoughts, feelings and life so I have deleted old posts, and will only be returning to this blog to comment on Agnes, and Ivy’s posts should the mood strike. See Comments on “Blogs”. Time to live a private, hermit-like life where the only people who know about my experiences are those I choose to tell directly.

 

Wishing you all well.

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